Is there any way back for me?

[zas1]

I am interested to hear what you think of this. A work colleague asked me out fairly recently. I politely declined partly out of surprise as he is the last person you'd expect to ask someone out, wouldn't say boo to a goose etc. He has since disappeared completely at work and does not come and eat lunch in the shared area nor drink coffee etc. A few colleagues have remarked on it as he was shy yet social in a way before. I didn't want to email him as I worried that would make things more awkward. He does actually come to work he has not been off sick or anything. His name was mentioned casually in passing by a male colleague after work. To cut a long story short he's a single guy who some people had thought was gay as he didn't talk about any past relationships when he joined the company and is a quiet and sensitive man . Anyway according to the male colleague who clearly knows him a bit the colleague who asked me out is in fact extremely promiscuous and regularly had one night stands when they very briefly shared a flat.I have to say I find this very hard to reconcile with the persona he has at work. And now I am totally lost in my feelings as I have gone from feeling guilty for having to reject a shy man who never seems to have a girlfriend, to not hearing from him at all and wanting to, to not knowing who I am dealing with at all. Ideas on a postcard. ..

If your first reaction was to reject him then I think you should stop worrying about the guy. Your gut told you something, go with it!

If he is promiscuous, why would knowing that information make you think you want to hear from him? Sounds like you made a lucky escape if this is truly the case.

Also, I think you shouldn't mix business with pleasure. Especially if it's a small office or tight-knit team (which it sounds like if you all lunch together). Especially with someone who's work persona is 'quiet, sweet, sensitive' but real personality is 'shag-around player' - it would cause you issues with work you just don't need.

If he's being awkward around you after you rejected him then that (sadly?) is his problem not yours.

Look for a man outside of work, one who doesn't have two personalities who doesn't shag around and thinks you're brilliant. There are plenty of decent guys out there, you just have to know how to identify (and weed out) the frogs before you find a prince.

ARV thanks. You make some good points. But isn't it possible he is both shy sensitive and errm prone to promiscuity when given the chance? I have come across one or two men before who were gentle souls but also had rather errm colourful love lives. The office isn't that small we just have a works eatery btw. I am not going to be naive about this just I suppose mildly intrigued.

any way back to what ?

Was, even if that's the case, he's shy and promiscuous.... is that really someone you want to get romantically involved with?

Even if you take out the complications of working with the guy, is that really the type of man you want? Surely you don't want someone who would cheat on you? I think you deserve better than that.

Have you posted this exact story not too long ago?

In anywise there's nothing for you to do and I can't see exactly what you'd want a way back to? He asked you out, you said no. Everyone carry on.

If it's shock r.e. him being sensitive yet having many ons, people aren't black and white and it's impossible to know what goes on in someone's life.

Why are you interested in him now that a. He is avoiding you (it seems) and/or b. You hear he is promiscuous?

You have some weird dynamic going on in your head.

I think it might be better for your long-term happiness if you can work out why you don't find people who are interested in you and open to commitment attractive.

Also, life and relationships can be incredibly simple. Human beings tend to make them more complicated for their own confusing reasons: boredom? Fear of mortality? Self-hate?

If you really wanted to go out with this guy, you could go up to his desk, lean over, smile and invite him to a film, with a drink afterwards.

But you won't. Because you have something else going on here.

I would genuinely take this as an opportunity to sort that out rather than pursuing Mr Borin-but-promiscuous-and-not-massively-interested.

Well, I haven't got a clue what's going on here.