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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I was supposed to miss him but I'm dreading him coming home

20 replies

ResidentNevil · 09/08/2015 22:45

Do and I were supposed to be going away this weekend. However I just wanted a break from him and his constant negativity so I told him to take his kids and go without me. The idea was that he'd get quality time with his kids, I'd get quality time with my kids and we'd spend time apart and realise we missed each other and still love each other.

It hasn't quite worked out like that.

From the minute he left on Friday I felt like a ton weight had been lifted. I felt relaxed, chilled out - I left my shoes in the kitchen and laughed as I realised there was nobody here to tell me off ... I went to bed when I wanted to, I didn't touch a drop of alcohol from Friday onwards (I have a thread running detailing my alcohol problems - now I know the trigger!) and I restarted my hobby this morning too. Took the kids out for a meal tonight and have just got into bed with a cup of tea. But I have this dark cloud hanging over me that he's home tomorrow and I actually feel quite upset and depressed about it. All the arguments, all the sarcasm, moaning, complaining, blaming - I didn't miss him at all. Now I'm thinking "shit, what does this mean?? What now??"

He's sent me a couple of texts over the weekend saying he's Missing me etc but I can barely be arsed to reply. I have done of course, I have lied and told him I'm missing him too but secretly I'm wishing he was away for another week. I'm at work tomorrow and he'll likely get home before I get in and I'm sat here thinking "is the house tidy enough? Or is he likely to moan?" Ffs

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2015 22:49

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I remember kicking my shoes off and feeling as though I was on holiday - you know that first moment when you stand on the sand in your bare feet and feel yourself relax?

OK - what's the deal with him? Are you married? You live together - is the house rented or bought together or what? It's great you're working. Does he work? How are the finances?

sleepsoftly · 09/08/2015 22:50

It doesn't work for you, so what's the plan?

ScrambledSmegs · 09/08/2015 22:54

Is this the guy who picks a fight with you every time he's meant to be seeing his kids? Or have I got confused?

Whether it's him or not, you sound like you've reached the point where you'd rather not be with your partner. So, what are you going to do?

sumoweeble · 09/08/2015 22:55

Always very telling when it's absolutely lovely when a partner is away and the eggshells are swept away and don't need to be walked on. Sounds like you need to make plans to split, doesn't it?

Original poster

ResidentNevil · 09/08/2015 22:56

Not married (but wedding is booked) but we have lived together for 2 years. It's his house but we both pay towards it and moved in it at the same time (long story). His attitude is just awful and depressing. He constantly picks argument with me, constantly moans and whines, blames me for every thing, takes everything out on me. I just never realised how uptight I'd become until he left me on my own for the weekend And the sense of relief was amazing

OP posts:

OooMatron · 09/08/2015 22:56

Get out now. Its obviously not working and contributes to alcohol abuse

wafflyversatile · 09/08/2015 23:01

It's not working out, is it? Financial unpicking might be a bit complicated but it will only get more complicated as time goes on.

How were your dc this weekend?

sumoweeble · 09/08/2015 23:03

It's great that you're not married- it will make it easier to leave! And not having to split/sell/sort out jointly owned or rented houses makes life lots easier too. Can you afford to move out and rent somewhere?

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2015 23:07

Oh thank god you're not married! Stop the plans immediately!

Why on earth you thought you would marry him is anyone's guess but at least you've realised the error of your ways now!

I bet your children were happier without him, weren't they?

Twinklestein · 09/08/2015 23:10

Don't inflict him on your children, don't inflict him on yourself.

When you say you both pay towards the house, do cover bills and some of rent or are you actually putting money into his house?

suzanneyeswecan · 09/08/2015 23:14

the writing is on the wall
don't ignore it!

goddessofsmallthings · 09/08/2015 23:17

I didn't touch a drop of alcohol from Friday onwards

Please don't tell me you're going to risk your liver and the possibility of early death by staying with/marrying this controlling tosser?

Leave your shoes in the kitchen; hell, leave the breakfast dishes in the sink and if he moans tell him that's how you're going to live your life as soon as you've got your own place - and make it clear that, far from missing him, you had a ball without his malignant presence bringing you down.

Cabrinha · 09/08/2015 23:22

Bet your kids were happier too.

plonkie · 09/08/2015 23:24

OP have you approached this issue with him before? Have you told him how his attitude makes you feel? Just wondering what his response was. I've been wuth my DP for 13 years and about 3 years in to the relationship he turned around to me and told me he couldn't be with me anymore, my attitude was terrible, negative, nagging, and he didn't want to be around me any more. I was mortified! I had no idea what a nightmare I'd been and was so upset. It was awful :-(. Anyway, that was a major wake up call and I realised I was very unhappy (in myself, actually depressed) and I just knew I had to change. And it took quite a while but I'm a different person now and we're very happy :-).

I know mine is an unusual situation! But is it possible he hasn't a clue? I'm normally quite perceptive and I had no idea that I was making someone unhappy (nagging, negative, also v jealous!).

calzone · 09/08/2015 23:31

How do you feel about splitting up with him?

Could you afford a place on your own?

If someone made me that unhappy, I would have to leave.

Skiptonlass · 10/08/2015 07:21

Cancel the wedding plans.

If you marry this man, you're going to be linked much more closely and it'll be harder to move out. I know it seems scary to cancel, but I can say (having done it) that no one ever regrets cancelling a wedding. They may regret going through with it, but not cancelling.

Several years back I was engaged to someone. Lots was booked, paid for etc but like you, I felt incredibly trapped. I worried about leaving because I couldn't afford to live by myself.

I called it off. It was an incredibly hard thing to do. Our families got on really well (I still miss his lovely mum!)

I never regretted it. I knew I'd done the right thing and to this day I look back and I can still feel relief.

I'm now married to a lovely chap. It was hard financially for a bit (you'll be ok if you have kids though) but I am still proud of myself for not sleepwalking into a marriage that would have made us both miserable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/08/2015 08:16

Do not marry this man, make plans now to separate from him. You owe that much to yourself (and your children).

Re your comment:-
"It's his house but we both pay towards it and moved in it at the same time (long story)".

You pay towards HIS house; are you actually named on either the mortgage or title deeds?. If you are not on either then why have you done this at all?. He has taken you for a right idiot.

Sunbeam18 · 10/08/2015 10:32

Attila, that's a bit harsh - you don't know the story. OP has said it's a long story. She may own other property of her own for all you know

TendonQueen · 10/08/2015 10:37

Don't lose your nerve now you've had this big realisation. You're happier without him. Every day of your life can be the way this weekend was. You just have to end it. Look for somewhere you can move to, or stay temporarily, asap. Stop your payments to the house. Tell him it's over.

GotABitTricky · 11/08/2015 06:24

Wise words few posts up from Skiptonlass:-
" no one ever regrets cancelling a wedding.
They may regret going through with it, but not cancelling "

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