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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i think im inlove with someone else

39 replies

blondy38 · 09/08/2015 17:10

firstly,please dont bash me over this,i cant help how i feel, right ive been with my husband for 14 years,we have 4 children,i have never looked at another man whilst ive been with him,and thought in a way i was happy, i also cant see my life without him,but a few years before we even met,i was inlove with someone else,nothing happened,and due to things at that time couldnt, we have found each other on facebook,and have been chatting about anything and everything everyday since, hes single and had no children,he sais he still loves me, my head is completely in ruins,hes all i think about,i keep imagining me running away with him,would i be happy,would i not,would it be the worst possible thing i could ever do,my husband really does not deserve this,and deserves better than me,all my friends are now divorced and single parents,i felt lucky i wasnt,but now i want him,or think i do, or is it the attention,or the not noing, my life is so depressing at the moment,that ive been wanting to leave anyway,even for a week to see how i really feel i just dont no what to do

OP posts:

Original poster

blondy38 · 09/08/2015 20:21

thanks for that goddess, ill just drive over a cliff now shall i, fk it! thats whats wrong with my life, everytime i try to tell anyone how im feeling and not coping, it just gets turned around to poor hubby, poor hubby, what about poor me, youve no fkin idea

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 09/08/2015 20:24

Welcome to the real world of parenting, honey, and it's as great as you want to make it.

What you're failing to recognise is that this fantasy with a man you knew aeons ago is adding to your problems and you're best advised to put the time and energy you're squandering on him into your relationship with your dh.

BolshierAyraStark · 09/08/2015 20:27

You sound desperate, have you talked to anyone other than the idiot from your past? who I guarantee has picked up on the desperation & sees an opportunity
Please seek help from a professional about how you feel, is there any support groups for the disability your DD has?
This man is not the way out, as awful as it sounds you can walk away-but do it for the right reasons & not based on what ifs with a stranger.

MagicMojito · 09/08/2015 20:29

It absolutely doesn't all fall on you OP , most contact is 50:50 between parents now.

I don't read this as somebody trying to shirk responsibility of having kids, more that she is not happy the way life has turned out.

Wanting to leave a relationship because you are unhappy is as good a reason as any other imo. As is choosing a 50:50 shared contact agreement. Surely that's better for the kids anyway as they get equal access to two parents that love them?!

Seriously, forget about this guy. Sort your existing life out, its very doable

VagelinaJolie · 09/08/2015 20:34

You mention how hard your life is with your dc and being a sahm. Who have you got in real life to talk to or help? Loneliness can be a damaging thing especially with disabled children. Have you any support groups or Sure Start who can help?
First step, block this guy. He is distracting you from the real problem. Secondly, do you actually love your dh? He works ft yes, but how much support does he give you, emotional as well as practical?

VagelinaJolie · 09/08/2015 20:35

Sorry, x posts.

goddessofsmallthings · 09/08/2015 20:35

I might not have any fkn idea, but I've been around long enough to watch many make decisions they come to regret because their heads have been turned by fantasies of how much happier their lives will be without their spouses/partners/dc.

It sounds like you're trying to re-live your youth and that's a hiding to nothing in itself.

Are you being treated for depression? Has your GP referred you for counselling?

If you feel that the daily chores are too much for you, have you considered hiring a cleaner or employing a mother's help/au pair? Would your dh consider cutting back on his hours to take some of the load off you?

textfan · 09/08/2015 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DorisDazzler · 09/08/2015 20:41

What crap are you putting up with on a daily basis ? What is so wrong with your life that you are considering leaving ?

saltnpepa · 09/08/2015 20:44

None of this has anything to do with some bloke. Go to your GP, I would say you are quite seriously depressed.

nequidnimis · 09/08/2015 21:46

OP, you originally said that you were happy, that you felt lucky and that your DH didn't deserve you.

But your subsequent posts paint an increasingly negative picture.

I believe you are following The Script. - rewriting history and monstrification of your spouse to justify an affair.

You are not the first person to be ground down by domestic life and fantasise about being rescued, but you are statistically unlikely to be running to something better.

JimmyChoosChimichanga · 09/08/2015 22:35

Do nothing radical for six months and see how you feel then OP. In that time, change whatever you need to change to get your life as it is now (ie without OM - marriage intact) running better and more suitable for your mental health. If after all this you still feel the same way you may be on to something with the OM but I seriously seriously doubt it. It is possibly, as a PP said, limerance. Many of us have been there! I spent an entire holiday with an XDP totally obsessed with an OM. Once I got the chance to get to know OM I realised he was as shallow as a diner plate and I had literally nothing in common with him, we did not get each other at all and it had all been window dressing. He was and is gorgeous but that is all. I felt a right twat ! Slow down, get a hold of yourself and don't do anything rash.

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2015 22:45

You need help from your doctor, OP. You sound awfully depressed.

Make a decision not to speak to this new guy for six months. Call up the doctor in the morning and tell him how depressed and desperate you are. Do you have any help with your disabled child? It must be incredibly stressful for you having to take care of others when you need someone to care for you.

Don't forget if you make the wrong decision now, there'll be no going back. Please don't let your children down. Find help for yourself so you can lead a happy life.

Please come on here tomorrow and tell us you've seen the doctor. Don't let the receptionist put you off - tell her it's urgent. It is. Your family's at risk.

spudlike1 · 10/08/2015 09:21

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2439250-The-spark-has-gone-I-want-to-save-my-marriage
Have a look at this thread ..The op 's story might not match your but there is great advice about being STAHM
Do what others say get to the GP deal with your depression first don't make any drastic changes yet . Unless they are post ive ones that improve your daily life eg : friendships , time alone out of the house , p/t job maybe.
You are focusing everything on a man ! For goodness don't assume he is the answer he's a man! you've given him far too much focus, take him off the pedestal.
See you GP urgently
You sound angry / depressed / lonely you can change this. It's not your husbands fault or yours, life is tough at the moment for you .
Look up limerance also don't be fooled .

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