Sorry, another sex thread...

[vizbizz]

I had a really bad recovery from childbirth, and am still rather sore. I have been trying to get more help from the medical profession re pain, but they are hopeless. They kept asking have you had sex yet, why not. Duh. Anyway to shut them up we tried (with the help of a generous amount of local anaesthetic cream). Needless to say it was a bit of a disaster. Bits were either totally numb or really sore (despite the cream). Hubby was too worried about hurting me, so wasn't fun for him either.

He's been awesome about not having sex, and knows life has been bad enough for me this year. Ok, we do have fun other ways, but I find this more frustrating sometimes, because we are so constrained in what we can do. Problem is I really would love to get back into the swing of things...even though I am tired as often as not. How many others have experienced this? How long was it before you felt ok and were able to enjoy it again?

Hi Vizz......

did you have episiotomy/ tear

what was the delivery like and how long ago was it....?

it does take a while for everything to recover and to be in a place where you are not tense becasue you are waiting for it to be painful.... you both need to be relaxed,.,or it will be painful and not a lot of fun

need to do pelvic floor excercises after the birth too .they can help!

it was almost 10 months ago. delivery ok, but lots of tearing. Physio says pelvic muscles in really good shape, especially considering damage. Have been really persistent with them, along with other exercises she has given me recently.

I was relaxed - the numbing cream made me pretty confident that it wouldn't hurt. In all honesty I didn't expect to feel a thing....and in some places didn't.

did you try using lubrication too? also it's really important to relax, when you get tense, it will make your muscles tense up too.

try to have lots of time, so you dont have to rush it all, take things nice and slow.... lots of touching and hugging.

I've got no experience of tears etc, but have some thoughts anyway. Firstly, I wouldn't use local anaesthetic cream for this - you could be hurting yourself, and not realising it.

I'd use lots and lots of lube and take things slowly.

Are you enjoying non-penetrative sex? Can you (or your DH) try working up from a finger to two, etc etc?

What part of you is hurting? I'd expect everything to be healed by now, ten months on ...

sorry vizz....fell asleep!!! seems like you have had some good advice here .

10 months on and pelvic floor in good shape...is it worth a trip to the gynae..for added reassurance that everything is physically ok?

non penetrative sex is great, but I do miss not being so constrained. You know how it is, when there is a baby in the house you and partner get so little time together as it is. I find this so frustrating. sex with numb cream was sore, but not bad...just not at all fun. The problem was that I was really sore for a couple of days afterward. It's just not worth the pain.

The gynaes are a nightmare...they are the ones who keep saying it's all healed and intact (has been for a long time, it healed really fast) and it should be fine just go ahead. Lube is really not a problem though e did use extra to be sure, but penetration really isn't possible without numb cream. I am still sore just walking. The specialists just don't hear me when I tell them I still hurt. They seem to think that because I don't believe in using pain relief long-term, it can't be as bad as all that. I have FINALLY been referred to pain clinic...but will probably still have to wait a few more weeks before I get in to see someone.

Unfortunately one decent gynae I saw about 4 months ago says this can happen, though it is rare. At least he acknowleged my problem and didn't treat me like a hypochondriac. Noone really knows what causes long-term pain when everything is well repaired and well healed. It usually resolves with time. It is getting better, but it is taking SO LONG.

P.S. We did take our time, and dh did get me very turned on. I certainly didn't feel anxious or tense. It just wasn't nice.

Yeah, the numb cream sounds like a bad idea to me.

I do think penetration can be something you can get out of the habit of, and then it causes some discomfort. I worry there is more to this than that. It doesn't sound like vaginisimus (sp?), as I think that's a tension/spasm thing, and you don't sound tense about it all.

What part of the vagina are you getting discomfort in? Is it deeper penetration that's causing problems? Or is it the opening, where damage was done?

I'd think your best bet would be being on top, having tons of lube, and just taking it very easy. See it as a big tease for your dh, but you should only take whatever small part of him you can cope with, without pain.

If birth control isn't an issue (if you are on the pill) there are also options where the penis stays outside the vagina, but just against the vulva, iyswim.

I wouldn't use the cream down there, that could well be contributing to the pain. Frankly, if lube, a stiff drink or a kalms (because muscles Do tighten painfully after one bad sexual incidenta nd that can cause lots of pain and problems. In extreme situations this is called vaginismus, but it could also be a physical thing. If you hurt you have a right to help, go back to your GP and demand a referral to a different Gynae, and keep doing so until you get help.

I would also try to isolate whatever it is that's causing the problem. Is it pressure? Friction? Are dildoes etc an option? Does finger penetration hurt?

I worry about the medical professionals on this stuff, they are so blazingly ignorant about female anatomy, from what I know ... I'd hope the physio stuff would improve blood flow to the area, and that would help, but it doesn't sound like it.

vizbizz this happened to me- sex was very painful after the birth of my ds. I went to the doctor and was basically told that I had to put up with it for the rest of my life Anyway, I did get over it - I had dd1, tore in exactly the same place, and when I recovered it was fine. (not suggesting you go and have another baby, but I think that maybe if you can be restitched, then that is the same principle?)

Oh, yes, a friend of mine was restitched, thanks to being sewn up too tight, the first time. She was sewn up by a male doctor, the first time, and had subconscious niggles that he might do something silly with the thought he was helping her DH. Being cut and resewn isn't nice, though, from what I know.

When I had my episiotomy with ds, it gave me a lot of trouble and the m/w told me not to worry because if it was an on-going issue (ie. painful during sex) I would be referred to a consultant and they could operate to fix it. I don't know if the consultant would be a gynae, but I would keep pushing and ask for a remedial op.

If you're intending to have another lo, you might be able to wait. My mum had a very bad fix after my brother, but after she had my sister, she said she healed much better and it wasn't an issue.

Sex is not painful for me now, but it has taken almost 9 mo to stop hurting. One of my friends said it took her a year to start enjoying sex again and I don't think she had an epis/stitches... Hope you get it sorted though. The idea of pain during sex is horrendous!

Thanks for all the advice

Unfortunately, the pain is also there when I walk...though improving slowly. some of the pain is where there was tearing, but some is in places that were supposedly ok (this was a problem earlier on with sitting too).

The numb cream was suggested by the physio - apparently it is often recommended and prescribed this way for women until things settle down.

Pollyanna, did you have pain doing other things, or was it only during sex?

What triggers the pain? that can vary on different days...sometimes pressure, sometimes friction, some days it's like that when I get up and haven't even done anything. Any underwear with seams (most underwear these days, it seems) is SOOO not an option. That's why the gynae and physio think it's a nerve damage thing. They aren't sure though.

Anyway, we thought to try sex since things have been settled to an ok level (relatively speaking) for a while. A bit uncomfortable, but not pain unless I exerted myself doing something. After sex I had a couple of really sore days before it settled again.

They didn't stitch up my fanjo too tight (though my bum was!) if anything it's rather the opposite! sorry if too much info

I have heard from others that tearing again solved some problems, but I really won't risk going through months of pain like this again - next baby will be c-section. I used to be pretty anti-section unless it was necessary, but I have changed my stance on that lately. funny about that.

gynaes not willing to redo any stitching, as they say the repair was good, and any further work will just add more scar tissue (had already asked because of small extra "flap" on perineum).