Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

DP and his ex.

17 replies

VivaLaPersistence · 09/08/2015 13:34

I have been with my DP for 5 years. We live together with my DS from a previous relationship and our DD. We got engaged 6 months ago.

When we got engaged, an ex girlfriend of his kept popping up out of the blue on Facebook/texting him etc. I saw all the texts and he kept it friendly but it was clear she'd found out he was engaged and was trying to 'remark her territory' or something. They hadn't spoken regularly or anything for years.

One night she called him crying, saying she misses him and regrets how things ended etc. He decided to block her number and that was that. We heard nothing until two weeks ago when DP received a request for a work meeting - with her. Trying not to out myself but in DPs job anyone can ring up and book a meeting with him and this is done through his secretary. He told me about it and I expressed I wasn't happy with how she's behaving. We kind of left it there and didn't speak about it as I assumed he'd cancel it and continue to ignore her.

On Friday night he came home and after a while told me he'd been to meet her. They spent a few hours talking, catching up, talking about me (apparently). I feel sick to my stomach. I do trust him but it's very clear what this woman's intentions are and I can't fathom why DP would then choose to meet up with her to 'chat'. He says he understands why I'm upset but that he'd never do anything and I should trust him. I do but this has still really upset me.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 09/08/2015 14:06

You aren't overreacting. An engaged man should not keep up a friendship with an ex who he knows regrets their breakup. An engaged man should care far more about your feelings than hers. An engaged man (your DP) will need to try much harder to gain and maintain your trust that he has up to now. If DP still has feelings for this woman he should not be getting married to you. He can't decide what to do so I think you should take control and see where it gets you. Good Luck, op.

DiscoDiva70 · 09/08/2015 14:13

His ex sounds a bit of a bunny boiler who can't take a hint. Even so, your dp shouldn't have met up with her

Original poster

VivaLaPersistence · 09/08/2015 14:36

Ok well I'm glad you agree. But where do we go from here? I really don't want to have to tell him that he can't see/talk to someone. I just wish he'd come to that conclusion on his own.

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 09/08/2015 14:41

I just wish he'd come to that conclusion on his own

Yes, but he hasn't, so its now down to you to lay down the groundrules. IME men appreciate a woman who knows what she wants.

Joysmum · 09/08/2015 14:41

I would be uneasy but fine with a work meeting. Clearly he felt her advances in the past unwelcome or inappropriate because he felt the need to block her. Now he's overstepped the boundaries spending several hours 'catching up' rather than keeping this as a professional meeting.

You're right to be upset but bear in mind this may well have been what was needed to put her back in her box.

Newtobecomingamum · 09/08/2015 14:53

Hi,

I have been in a very similar situation but it was with my ex. I actually think he hasn't done anything wrong and it sounds like my situation......

Was with my ex for a few years then broke up. Met now hubby four years and toddler later, my ex got in contact via email to catch up. Told hubby and I exchanged a few emails politely back responding etc. Then he started to txt and emailed me at work to meet up just for a friendly drink and proper catch up. At all times I kept hubby in the loop. It got to the stage I knew he probably wanted to meet up to see if he still had feelings or see what I was now like etc and wasn't just as friends. After a while (I really didn't want to be nasty and cut him off being horrible as he has had a hard life etc and no family) I agreed to meet him for a drink. Now I did this for the following reasons:

To stop his mind wondering about what ifs as sometimes fantasy thinking about someone can stir behaviour
could make it clear in our 'friendly meeting' that I was happily married and show pic of my son etc. Not in a cruel way but in a friendly just marking and making my position clear kind of way
To have a conclusion/ending.. This was a friendly catchup as it has been so long and we both know where we stand. Good bye and good luck in life etc ending
Also I couldn't help but show off a tad 'you lost out on me' type of thing as he had finished it with me! Not in a nice way either.

I did not tell my husband until I got home, not because I had something to hide, not because we would have stopped me.. But for the following reason:

I wanted to show that I had been proactive in sorting the situation out again so there wouldn't be any more contact made by ex and show I wanted to make sure the person didn't interfere in our lives anymore.

Yes he was shocked at first and said I should have just told him. But was appreciative that I had handled the situation and had told him about everything.

I got no more communication from ex and it worked a treat.

If your partner had not been upfront about the original contact and was hiding stuff, that's a different story.

I really wouldn't make a big deal out of it and sounds like he was showing off about you : ) and making her jealous!! Ha

Obviously he shouldn't meet up with her again and that should be the end of it.

Hope you can see a different perspective from my story.

TheMarxistMinx · 09/08/2015 14:54

If anyone can ring and make an appointment through his secretary does this mean he has no right to cancel an appointment or refuse to meet someone? Maybe he had little choice? However he needs to speak to his line manager and his secretary and ensure that this woman is unable to request any further meetings. He then needs to block her ability to make further contact.

Original poster

VivaLaPersistence · 09/08/2015 14:59

Yes he could have cancelled the meeting. She wasn't after his professional services at all. His excuses are that he feels bad for her because of stuff she's been through etc but it really feels like he's picked her happiness over mine?!

He's really upset that he's hurt me and I just don't know how to resolve this. If I tell him he can't see her again I will always think he's only not seeing her because I said so, and wonder if he wants to.

OP posts:

Newtobecomingamum · 09/08/2015 15:09

Viva he's been honest with you. You need to be honest with him....

Just tell him it did upset you, however you do not feel comfortable with him meeting up with her again and explain your reasons why. Would he like you meeting up and constantly chatting to an ex.

You must reel him how you feel and now set the boundaries.

Newtobecomingamum · 09/08/2015 15:09

Tell

goddessofsmallthings · 09/08/2015 15:17

Have you asked him if he intends to see her again or stay in touch with her and make himself available should she want to meet up with him again?

TheMarxistMinx · 09/08/2015 15:42

Does she not have other people on whom she can depend if she wants to talk about this stuff she has been through? Its obvious really, if I want to talk about my allergies I see a doctor, if I want to talk about my overdraft I approach the bank, if I wanted to rake up old ground with an ex...she has an agenda, its very obvious. If your DH is not a half wit he should be able to work that out! and yet he "wants to meet her" and yet says he "feels obliged to" which is it? He is either not being honest with you about how he made this decision or even honest with himself. Does he think he can save her? now that is exactly what she wants him to think.

Joysmum · 09/08/2015 16:17

That post from Newtobecomingamum. That was my thought because that's what I'd have done and told my DH about it. Wouldn't have occurred to me he'd feel insecure because we are secure.

Rosieliveson · 09/08/2015 16:18

In my opinion, he has done the wrong thing as all he has demonstrated, whether talking about you or not, is that he can be ground down and, in eyes at least, still has time for her.
Whatever his intentions, meeting her has surely given her hope.
I think that is what I would be making clear to him. If his message is indeed that he has moved on and is not interested in forming a relationship with her, he should demonstrate that by leaving things as they were and not forming any kind of relationship with her. After all, why give her an avenue into your lives after all this time?!

DistanceCall · 09/08/2015 17:02

I think he was probably trying to put an end to it, hoping that if he met with her and talked to her she would be appeased and leave him (and you) alone.

A mistake, but he probably didn't know what to do, and I think he meant well. He has told you about every step he has taken.

I think you should tell him that now he has met her and talked to her, he needs to put his foot down and stop this nonsense. And if she continues to stalk him/you, then she should be dealt with as a stalker and reported.

Original poster

VivaLaPersistence · 09/08/2015 17:15

Thankyou all for being voices of reason It's been a tough time for us outside of our relationship recently and I've got myself so worked up. I'm going to try to have a sit down and a long talk with him tonight to let him know how I'm really feeling.

OP posts:

DorisDazzler · 09/08/2015 19:20

I'd tell him that he's welcome to meet up with her again but he will be doing so as a single man. Stamp this out now Op before it escalates.

Flip