Cannabis Addiction

[supergirl123]

Hi, I have no one in real life to talk to this about and really need to offload!

My husband and I have been going through a rough patch for the past while. It all came to a head a few months ago when I drunkenly kissed someone else. No EA just a really stupid mistake that I completely take responsibility for.
We got past it or at least I thought we did. We were on holidays when he lost it and told me he couldn't get over it and he had convinced himself I'd been unfaithful in the past ( he brought up men we had both been friends with from over a decade ago) all totally untrue might I add.

Now the cannabis part. I suggested that this was paranoia due to his smoking. He has always smoked on a daily basis since I've known him. Over ten years.

After a really horrible few weeks we decided to make a go of it. He conceded that the cannabis was effecting all aspects of our lives etc.. and agreed to stop.He went to one NA meeting and said he found it great.

Roll on three weeks later he is smoking again but only one at night. We had a very rare night out and he was smoking. When we got home I asked was this going to be a regular thing again and he flipped out. The cheek of me to be moaning about him having a few smokes when he's cut down so much.
He hasn't spoke to me in days now and when I tried to talk to him last night he couldn't believe I still felt I wasn't in the wrong querying him about his smoking.
I don't know what to think. Am I overreacting?
I don't want to live with someone who smokes full stop. I've put up with it for years for a quiet life but surely enough is enough now. We are in our mid 30s with two children!

After ten years of drug use he's unlikely to change. It obviously didn't bother you much if you stayed and had children but it's them you have to think about. Normalising drug use is not something anybody should be modelling.

I don't want to live with someone who smokes full stop

This ^^

If this is a deal breaker for you then tell him so. No second chances ifs buts or maybes. Either you accept this is who he is or you take steps to remove you and your dc's from this behaviour.

This is very hard for you OP and I am afraid unlikely to change.
My H has smoked for decades and it is one factor in our impending separation. He has no wish to stop or cut down. While he keeps it out of sight, it impacts on the family in lots of ways - he sits smoking alone in one room in the house every evening - it is a factor in thinking about going on holiday - the cost is over £1k a year. He thinks it calms him down from his hyper state but I have never seen him off it so do not know what his personality would be like otherwise.
When I had a life-threatening illness a few years ago I implored him to stop so that his health would not be affected and he would be around to care for our DCs if I died. He did not.

It's has always bothered me cereal eater. I have asked many times for it to stop. I suppose I always thought it would stop when we got married , had kids etc..
As hard as it is to admit I have allowed it to become normalised. To the point I'm questioning of its me overreacting to him having one smoke in the evening.
I don't smoke , have no interest in it.
I'm terrified of leaving , being alone. We live hundreds of miles from family.
It's come to the point that it is a deal breaker for me

I don't really know what to say, except I'm in a similar boat...

Currently 35 weeks pregnant with our first child and have been begging DH to stop. I've comprised by asking him not to buy any more as we're on a tight budget, but because of his lifestyle he has many many friends who like a smoke who are willing to share (DH was always willing to share) so he's got around it that way. But has definitely cut down a lot. It's his birthday next week, and I've said he can buy some as a treat but after that no more - not even with friends as the baby could come any moment!

He hasn't smoked it in the house since we discovered my pregnancy (at around 3-4 weeks, so EARLY) -so it shouldn't have affected baby.

I've said if he wants to smoke when baby's here he must stay away as a friend who's an A&E Dr told us about a father who accidentally suffocated his baby while high - I think she told us this as a cautionary tale. It completely freaked us both out and I think he agrees it's not a good thing even though he has friends with baby's who still smoke it.

If he chooses to smoke cannabis over being a proper full-time dad then I will leave him, and he knows it. I don't mind a weekend away every 3-4 months, but I would have serious problems with something more frequent than that.

Thanks for the replies. And sorry to hear of other people in the same situation.
It's very difficult because he justifies it in the way that he's not down the pub every night or gambling. But it really does effect our lives. He is unmotivated and very negative all the time. It's like he is on the fringe of family life , dipping in and out when it suits.
I know he has cut down hugely but I keep thinking if he's smoking one a night 3 weeks after saying he won't smoke again surely it will slip back to one after work , them one I'm the afternoon and we're back to square one.

Cannabis use is addictive. He has cut down and that will be really effecting his mood, especially if it's years since he's felt the real him without the fog of being stoned, so that could explain his negative, unmotivated behaviour. Recognition for what he's achieved so far will encourage him to stick with it, more than an assumption that he is failing in his resolve and will relapse.

I think the negativity and lack of motivation come from the smoking.
My H has had several attempts to cut down (not stop) but he always relapses despite my encouragement.

I feel for you OP, I am in the same position but my H will neither cut back nor stop. In fact I asked him to do so or me and the kids would go, he said he was unable to stop and he would move out! So he would give his family up for cannabis!

How much is your H spending, how often does he smoke?

Mines is every day from the minute he gets up till bed time and spends I reckon about £50 per week.

I think we are basically over but im scared to go also.

Hi blonde, sorry to hear you are in the same boat. It sucks.
He was smoking all day every day literally from the minute he got out of bed.
He's cut back majorly to just one in the evening, and that's the major problem at the minute.
I told him we would be over unless it was completely out of our lives just 3 weeks ago. He agreed and said he realised he had a serious problem with it.
Now I'm the one causing problems by pulling him up on it.
Honestly my head is in a spin. He's making me feel like I'm being a bitch not wanting him to smoke in the evenings but I feel he's gone back on his word.

Hi super girl. I'm not in same boat now but i have experience.

Myself and partner were heavy drugs user's, cannabis was my thing and narcotics were his. He'd been taking drugs from 12 years old.

I was in care and chose cannabis and alcohol as a way to cope with what happened to me. Before I was with my partner I smoked and drank everyday at 15 years old, I felt I couldn't get through the day without it. My mother begged me to stop social workers and friends and relatives pleaded with me to wise up before I ruined my life but I never payed any attention. When you have N addiction whether it be a physical addiction or psychological addiction to something it becomes your priority and it's what you will put first.

Fast forward a while I met dp through taking drugs. He was 21 very heavy drinker and drug taker he took Meth and coke everyday while holding down full time job.

We got on great both loved drink and drugs (should add dp stopped smoking cAnnabis a long time before he met me due to paranoia) but eventually the realisation hit home when my bipolar became very unstAble as I was paranoid, deluded ND depressed, my fAmily stopped speaking to me because I was always high. I attempted to take my own life because I couldn't deal with everything going on in my head especially when not high. This made me realise it was time to stop. I stopped drinking and smoking but it was so hard especially when it's the one thing you look forward too everyday and if he has friends who smoke it will make it a hell of alot harder for him.

In the end my dp decided it was time for us both to change he stopped drink and drugs and so did I but we HD to holster ourselves from everyone we knew who took drugs to stop temptations ago h was hard as it meant cutting off people we cared about.

Fast forward 3 years I'm now 19 and 23 weeks pregnant and he's 24 and we are both completely off drugs and drink and I don't drink at all now. We're completely stable but we needed each others support to get through it.

If he's no motivation or will power to stop it you a fighting a losing battle as he has to choose and if you force him he will take it out on you.

I just wanted to tell you my story so u know it is possible for him to change but he has to want it and be willing to on his own.

I hope you can get him help but from him smoking it ten years he will be best to cut down gradually instead of straight away as if they just stop it normally doesn't last.

Try sitting down without and discussing phasing out the cannabis, so if he's having one a day now set timeline for him to stop completely if he's willing to,

So say one a day now for next week and then one every other day and so on it may help to show u support him but make it clear that u will not tolerate the constant use of it any more.

Good luck x

Hi Supergirl123, just wondering how you are getting on now? Have you had anymore thoughts.

I have been thinking a lot over the last few days about how much I have become normalised to the whole situation, my H will also drive after a joint which I realise is just disgusting!! I just wish he could see sense, I feel myself now completely detaching from him, its very sad x

Hi, sorry haven't replied sooner it's been a hellish week. Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply.
Update is I told dh I was leaving with the kids. He fought back and said he'd see me in court etc...
Couple of days later he broke down admitted he has a problem, can't believe he's nearly lost everything due to smoking cannabis.
So I'm still unsure what to do. He's promised me the sun moon and stars. He's thrown away all his stash and paraphernalia.
I'm going to stay with family for a week or so and I'm booked into see a councillor too to try get my head straight.
So that's where we are at the moment. I suppose I'm hoping it will all work out be I think he has a lot to prove.

Meant to ask how you are blondie?
It is very hard. Spoke to a councillor over the phone earlier in the week and she made me realise how wrong ive been to allow it become so normal in our lives. I feel really strong at the moment ,finally had a light bulb moment that I do have options and a choice as to whether I stay in the relationship.