The common thread of the worst things people do on MN?

[britneyspearscatsuit]

I read a lot of the sad threads on here that make you wince, and have also over the last couple of years had my own very sad stories. Some threads on here actually bring me to tears and had something similar not happenned to me a couple of years ago I'd never believe stuff like it happenned to "normal people".

Just observing over the last few days in a pensive mood that what seems to be the running thread between the most awful threads that just beggar belief are the ones where the life partner or spouse who has enjoyed a loving relationship and family with someone for years - just suddenly ceases to give a shit anymore.

I mean, it is one thing to stop loving someone, to end a marriage, to meet someone else....while awful, those things happen and I can say I have experience all those things and have been heartbroken before but I healed from them in acceptance and understanding that came eventually after a bucket load of tears and hard work.

What I think I see here a lot, and have experienced once myself is the loving partner who just "switches off".

They leave for an OW and cut off their much beloved wife of many years and tell her to claim benefits.

They present the end of their marriage to their open-mouthed wife as if it means nothing at all and then act like she is inconveniencing them when she cries.

The lie, manipulate and do anything to push the guilt onto the person they have just destroyed.

They are not sorry.

They do not cry to see the pain they are causing.

They are not the same person that shared a bed, a home, a life, children with you.

What happenned to the person who for years brought you a blanket if you fell asleep on the sofa on a cold night, or the person who called every day from work to ask if you needed anything from the shops. The person who ran from work to meet you in A&E and held your hand while one of the kids got seen to.

What happens to ALL that history? All that shared love?

I am wondering if this is the worst thing a person can do to you. To act like they hate you when they decide to leave you.

I am also wondering how they do it.

Why they do it.

It's so much easier if someone was always a bastard. I have experinced that too! but to suddenly become one, after years of not being one?

Isn't it easier, doesn't it feel better to say "I am so sorry, I will always love you but I have just fallen for someone else. I will do all I can to help make this as easy as possible on you and the kids".

Seemingly good, loving people who love their children and their wife for many years just turn that off like a switch.

I don't understand, and I think this, or having had this happen to me is what prevents me from being truly emotionally available.

One of my ex's long term other women also hated me with an absolute vengeance, and she also hadn't met me. She even used my children as messengers, by calling me vile names, and telling them to tell me what she'd said!

My ex also let her be abusive to our children and didn't do anything, how sick is that?

Each day I think to myself thank fuck how lucky I am that I'm not with a man like him.

Kurri I had exactly the same. I could have written your words. The OW tried her damnedest to destroy me and my relationship with my DC, even though she has never met any of us. You will never rationalise what he did because your brain doesn't work the way his does - thank goodness!

He did tell me once that his relationship with her was doomed and she was an utter nightmare - quelle surprise.

It is heartbreaking when the children are also 'ditched' and it was one of the things I found completely unforgiveable, even though my children were grown up, they were terribly hurt by the way he behaved - he told them he was disappointed with them and planned to start again with OW and make a new family.

If I found it hard to understand his behaviour how much mored incomprehensible must it be for my children - you expect that your parents will love you whatever, and will put you before anyone else. The fact that my X was willing to ditch his children for a woman he hadn't even met was incredibly hurtful.

It like he took everyone - me,the kids, our DDIL, extended family (my mum, my sister and DBIL, our neices) and clumped us all together under 'old life' and threw us away.

All my anger towards the other woman is not about what she did to me - she owed me nothing after all- but how she hurt my children. Within a couple of days of him leaving she put photos up on her Fb of him and her kissing and cuddling,tagged him and because they were friends with H they came up on the kids feeds - who does something like that ?? XH's excuse 'she couldn't help herself, she adores me'

Oh God, she couldn't help herself? She adored him?

I want to be sick,

butterflygirl - I think my X is also starting to realise that the OW is ever so slightly deranged and something of a nightmare! But it is so sad that so many people get harmed along the way while they are realising the grass isn;t always greener.

If it wasn't so awful it would be laughable.

I agree - to reject your own child in such a callous way is beyond any comprehension of a decent person. The pain and harm that has caused really is beyond measure. And we as mothers are left to pick up the pieces, counsel and boster up DC who feel worthless because of the actions of a feckless man. It is a disgrace.

My ex lost everything, me, the DC, my family and every single one of his friends. He literally has nobody now except her and her dc. Oh and they have new DC, he is allegedly father of the year now. I somehow doubt it.

I felt sick too britney - I can laugh about it now it is so deluded, but at the time seeing those pictures was absolutely devastating for my kids especially - shameful and revolting as well as hurtful.

I have reached the point where I can look back and think thank God I am out of this relationship - but it's taken two years and a lot of heartache, and I don;t think I'll ever truly get over it.

The hatred from the OW was probably instigated by him slagging off his wife.

My H told many lies and slagged me off to his online friends making me sound like some horrid monster.

I don't get how they can flip the switch like that. It's sickening.

You know Kurri...

Some days I feel "fuck you, I WILL be normal again"

Other days I feel (sounds bizarre) disloyal for hating him, so then I remember how much I loved him and get really mentally confused.

It's like being stuck in a loop.

I do date other people, I am largely happy, but do have a deep sense of something being broken inside and it makes me sad because I'm not a negative or unhappy person.

I had a wide flow of twat boyfriends before him.

I was cheated on when I was pregnant. I was hit once, and grabbed by the neck. I was replaced with someone much prettier and had her flaunted i my face. My son's birth father abandoned him.

I have been treated like shit before.

Why can't I get over this one?

I suppose because when my brain starts to think of it, all I have as memories are happy ones. Of him being kind to me, the best stepdad, of how much he loved me and I think it just short circuits and I can't come to any conclusion that satisfies me.

In terms of dating it goes various ways...

1. the chap who comes along and wnats to "save" me and showers me with love then complains he doesn;t feel the same back until he eventually gives up.

2. The total twat, who behaves in sick, narc ways which remind me of my ex after he left that I get obsessed with.

3. Ones who don't like me that much and vice versa (this feels safe) - like emotionless companionship.

I definitely don't fully engage in healthy relationships and I have read every book, healed for years, been to therapy for years.

Nothing quite wipes the slate clean, and I am scared to think that someone you love and trust can cause such damage to you that maybe you're not fit to properly love or be loved ever again.

I really do miss that feeling.

Have you done the Freedom Programme Britney? I found it invaluable. I realise every relationship I have had has been abusive and/or controlling in some way. This time alone for me has been invaluable. And if I ever did end up with someone new, well they would have to be pretty bloody impressive quite frankly. I don't know how I would ever fully trust again either. Dunno if I want to either tbh.

It wasn't abusive though...until after he left

Interesting thread for me. I know what you mean op. It wasn't exactly the same for me as in exh didn't suddenly leave me cold but he has rewritten history and what posters are saying re mental health is true as he had a complete breakdown.

For some time after he left he said he couldn't remember us ever being happy together. I said, what even when we got married. He had no positive memories at all and he was shocked that I did.

After some months on medication and away from the family home he said he could see things clearly again and that he did love us all and
wanted to be with us.

Too late by then of course as the damage was done.

Actually, I just flicked onto that website for a nosy Butterly, and it's stuff like that which makes me more confused.

It lists the qualities of "Mr Right".

Is a responsible parent
Is an equal parent
Supports your dealings with the children.
Shows you physical affection without assuming it will lead to sex
Accepts your right to say no to sex
Shares responsibility for contraception etc.
Talks to you
Listens to you
Is a companion
Has a sense of humour
Is cheerful
Welcomes your friends and family
Encourages you to have outside interests
Encourages you to develop your skills at work or at college.
Does his share of the housework
Shares financial responsibility
Treats you as an equal.
Accepts responsibility
Admits to being wrong.
Takes responsibility for his own well-being and happiness
Behaves like a reasonable human being.
Says you look good
Values your opinions.
Supports your ambitions
Says you are competent
Values you

And 100% hand on heart I can say my ex did every single one of those things, every single day for 6 years.

Then BOOM, he did none of them. In the space of 24 hours he didn't give a fuck about me, about the kids, about anyone but himself, was unreasonable, devalued me, accepted no wrongdoing, wouldn't talk to me, would not listen to me, was angry and mean, treated me like dirt.

that's the bit that scares me!!!!

And feeling like it was an anomaly (as my sister says) is one thing, but reading the pages on MN - it's actually not really?

Ivegottoknow...

what happenned in the end?

I have to say my ex did also call and show up a few times to say he "remembered" (he genuinely seemed to not remember) that he loved me and the kids and he was genuinely sorry - but it flicked away quite quicky every time. He never fully regained a sense of reason.

What happened in the end? Nasty divorce, little contact with the children, threatens to walk away completely and start a new life (never has.)

So he walked away and regrets it then, and never returned to who he was?

Or were you just too angry?

britney - I know what you mean about nothing wiping the slate clean - I haven;t tried dating again, I just think I wouldn;t be able to trust anyone. and that wouldn't be fair on the other person - if they were a decent person they wouldn't deserve to be with someone who was always doubting them. So for the moment I am saying no more relationships - but who knows. I would like to love and be loved but whether it is possible I really don;t know.

And I get the feeling bad for hating them, feeling disloyal - I felt very much like that, eventually I came round to thinking it was because I was a good loyal partner - I didn't bad mouth my H to anyone, I defended him and looked out for him. And I really did love him so I wasn't able to switch off over night - because my feelings were real - and I think you need to let yourself understand that too - we feel bad because we are good decent people. And when it comes down to it I'd rather be a good person who thinks the best of others, even if it means I get hurt than be capable of inflicting pain on other people.

Ivegottoknow - Mine did the rewriting history too - and you feel as if your whole life has been a lie, he claimed he hadn't loved me for years - so why didn't he leave before? why did he give me cards and letters and gifts declaring his love? he lies to suit himself and I know it is lies, but I still think back to every big moment -when our babies were born, when I was having chemo, when we went to my DD's graduation, when my Dad died, - and I think was he acting? was he thinking 'I can't stand her' and planning to leave whenever the opportunity arose? They rob you of everything you thought was true and real.

Yes he regretted it but it was too late for me. Mind you, he wasn't quite like that list of yours britney-. He never forgave me for not taking him back and I paid for it. He got very angry and vindictive.

kurri I don't think all those years could have been a lie. I think they have a kind of brainstorm and their memories are distorted. Or they deny it all to enable them to move on or justify it to themselves. I don't know tbh.

I can relate to all that is said here and I had an omg moment when my ex partners sister said to me that she had been reading up about sociopaths and thought that he might be one. That helped me to understand things and little better although it is no less hurtful. I can't see how these men can be so Jekyll and Hyde without having mh issues. How could the facade be maintained unless they truly believed what they were doing. I believe that my ex is definitely sociopathic and narcissistic as well. It's the only way I can square things with myself.
Quick question - have any of you gone on to have successful relationships since? Personally, I have been single for 10 years and can't see myself ever becoming that vulnerable again.

No, I was never able to.

I think the ability to recover from something like it might largely be down to who you are and your past experiences.

I know a woman who went through similar via an online support group and she is happily engaged and due to be married. She felt immense pain, but it didn't shake her faith in humanity or other people.

Over the year I have been friends, I've observed her, wondering how she remained so positive and I think she has a strength about her.

Her parents were very loving and funcitonal as a child. They still are. Her family and friends and her exes family stood by her through the crisis - never believing his narc bullshit. Her ex MIL still calls to see how she is. I think she had a wonderful sense of self before, wonderful support during and a lot of character which drove her through it.

Me, on the other hand, had a pretty crappy childhood. Pretty painful relationship history and this man was my one shining moment. Always felt like I'd finally found the one person who truly loved me for me and was not a bad person and would never hurt or betray me or DS. I believed that every day for many years and the trust and vulnerability was earned very slowly from me day after day after day. When he first found me he would always say "no one will ever hurt you again". He was always like that.

When he did what he did, the first thing my parents asked was what had I done to cause it. Everyone liked him better than me I think (even me!!!) so they could just not understand a seemingly wonderful man who was so devoted to me and the children doing it. There were whispers behind my back about what I must be lying about because my story that he just fucked off could not be true. His parents cut me off (no idea what he told them). I was crucified really.

So maybe in my position it's harder.

I also think those who were in lifelong marriages must find it much more difficult than those who were in it for 5 or 6 years like myself.

Hard to just wipe that away and say "oh well, he was an arse".

How the actual fuck do you just say that?