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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How long do you not speak after a row?

57 replies

DraggingItOut · 07/08/2015 18:28

NC for this. Not sure if DH is being a knob, or I'm just over sensitive but whenever we fall out, it seems to really drag on. He was being horrifically grumpy this morning and I brought him up on it. He quite often will try to turn it round if he's in the wrong and say it was me (which he did, and it wasn't!) but it's now 11hrs later and there's still an awful atmosphere and no sign of an apology.
He's shit at saying sorry at the best of times and usually only after I badger him. To make matters worse, I'm heavily pregnant and have been ill the last few days. He's not asked how I am etc all day and we've basically just communicated about DC.
So, I suppose I just want to know, are your DHs as stubborn, and does a fall out last days, or do you kiss and make up quickly?
When it drags out like this it just makes me more resentful.
Background: We used to have explosive (not violent!) rows but have not done that for years. We've been together for 17 years. He's v good round house and looking after DC.

OP posts:
coffeetofunction · 07/08/2015 22:01

me & DH went about 3 days once... can't even remember why now!

Original poster
DraggingItOut · 07/08/2015 22:15

Ah, yes, the ones where you can't remember how it started. We had a fair few of those pre-DC. I've still not sent the text...

OP posts:
gabyjane · 08/08/2015 09:48

Did you send it?!

googoodolly · 08/08/2015 10:06

We rarely go longer than an hour without talking after a row.

I couldn't be with a sulker. It's selfish and borders on abusive. A few hours to calm down/have some space is one thing, but going days/weeks barely speaking to someone is nasty behaviour.

If a row isn't sorted before bed, it's always sorted the next morning before work. I wouldn't go to work on an argument. I think it's unhealthy and it just causes resentment on behalf of the party who wants to make up again. Being ignored is a really horrible feeling. I don't know why you'd make your OH go through that every time you argued Sad.

GammonAndEgg · 08/08/2015 10:40

My DH is a massive sulker. He insisted we came back a day early from our holiday but won't tell me why. Hasn't spoken to me properly since Wed night but, apparently, "nothing's wrong".

What a tit Grin

I just carry on doing things normally. Not my circus, not my monkey.

Thefacttheyact1234 · 08/08/2015 10:46

See that's unacceptable. Everyone is then affected by his mood.

How long is it likely to last?

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2015 10:49

Yet another good reason to only form adult relationships with other adults.

Sorry, I know that's not helpful, but really!

Original poster
DraggingItOut · 08/08/2015 10:51

Gabyjane - no, I havent sent it!

OP posts:
Ladylouanne · 08/08/2015 11:07

I posted on a similar thread about this yesterday.

I realise everyone is different, however I also can't stand sulkers. I agree it is very passive aggressive behaviour and can be abusive, as it is often designed to elicit an apology from the other person, even if the other other person was originally angry because the sulker was in the wrong to start with.

I'm not trying to justify abusive shouty behaviour here either btw, but I think sulking is very manipulative behaviour.

Ilikefrogs · 08/08/2015 11:14

I couldn't tolerate any sort of sulking etc nowadays. Me and my partner talk about things and immediately engage with each other afterwards. Some of the hurt might still be there but we are sensitive rather than punishing each other because neither of us wants things to drag on.

tumbletumble · 08/08/2015 11:16

My DH can be a bit of a sulker. I agree with the posters who say it's not EA but just down to different ways of handling conflict. DH and I went on a marriage course a few years ago which really improved our communication. Maybe you should suggest that, OP?

Isetan · 08/08/2015 17:23

I wouldn't tolerate sulking in a child and sure as hell wouldn't in a supposed adult. Conflict is a part of life and resorting to unilaterally shutting down communicationto (sulking) to avoid it, is disrespectful.

For those of you who say they have problems vocalising their point, challenge your default setting by looking at alternatives, or at the very least, write a damn letter!

Melonfool · 08/08/2015 21:13

I really can't see why one response to conflict is less valid than another. It's no good telling people to "challenge their default setting" when you know nothing about those people - in fact, I have had years of counselling to get to where I am now and I doubt I can get much further.

Luckily there are people in the world more understanding and tolerant than many who post on MN.

Diagonally · 08/08/2015 21:47

I think there is are differences between stonewalling, sulking and "freezing" (trying to find a word for what you've described, melon).

Stonewalling done absolutely deliberately to exert control over the other person. Sulking seems to be to try & avoid taking responsibility or having to apologise, and usually preceded by someone trying to turn the situation round, or done with quite obvious flounce Wink

What you describe melon sounds very different because you don't do it with intent, it sounds more like a reaction you can't control?

But I suppose on the surface they could all look quite similar.

My exH was a sulker because he hated apologising. In fact in 15 years he never once said sorry, for anything, ever. I asked him once why he never apologised and he said quite seriously "because I never think ive done anything wrong".

Oh happy day that I left him.

Reubs15 · 08/08/2015 22:04

We don't ignore each other after because we're not children lol.
If there's an atmosphere I just say "I was/you were being a knob (depending on who's in the wrong), let's forget about it and move on, it's not important and I'm not having a negative atmosphere all day" and that's that.
I'd rather make up and be happy than badger him for an apology. If he wasn't sorry or still had a problem he would let me know

MozzchopsThirty · 08/08/2015 22:05

I am totally with wally!

My exh did this, would go on for days or weeks as some sort of bizarre punishment until I would break the ice and apologise for something that wasn't my doing.
He never ever said sorry, even if he was in the wrong.

Totally emotionally abusive

I'm now with a lovely normal man who doesn't sulk or ignore me

daisychain01 · 08/08/2015 22:14

I have to commend my DP, he is very good with apologies. He will not let us drag an argument on for a long time. He once rang me up after we had argued (we were living apart at the time) and said "let's be kind to each other" and it made me melt.

I have to say these days I am very reluctant to argue for long. I lost my DH very suddenly and i always count my lucky stars we hadn't had bad words because it could so easily have different. As it was, he left this world in no doubt about my love for him.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 08/08/2015 22:19

Daisy he sounds wonderful. Thanks

tumbletumble · 09/08/2015 00:22

Conflict is a part of life, yes, but I still don't see why that means there is a 'right' and 'wrong' way of dealing with it. Yes my DH can be a bit of a sulker but he never shouts, he would say that shouting is much worse than sulking whereas I'm the opposite. I don't think you can unilaterally say that one is worse than the other but the important thing is to learn, as a couple, how to successfully manage conflict so that issues are resolved and everyone can move on.

LuluJakey1 · 09/08/2015 01:15

Apart from when I was pregnant and I became incredibly moody and irrational about DH and could not bear to speak to him for days on a couple of occasions over nothing at all we never go to bed on a row. We actually don't really row. Neither of us can be quiet long enough to huff and we do actually listen to each other. We both hate falling out and not 'being friends' so we just sort things.
And it is never just one of us in the wrong, we both have contributed is how it always turns out. So once one of us apologises, the other one does clearly, as I am rarely in the wrong, I am of the view DH should apologise first
Then we always hug even if we are still a bit hacked off- it helps end it.

Keeptrudging · 09/08/2015 01:52

Melonfool, I have the same reaction to conflict, same reasons, but I explained this to my partner (who thankfully isn't a shouter anyway) and can now say "I can't find the words" and he gets it. Just doing this means I feel less pressured and am getting better at (eventually) talking about it. I don't freeze him out though, and can give him a hug or whatever to show him I still care, but am just 'stuck'.

chaiselounger · 09/08/2015 08:04

Yes OP I do just ignore/let him get on with it. I do think he's childish. I have told him this. But I don't think it's EA.
we row very rarely and if he does this, he is quite sulky for up to 2 days. He speaks to the boys and me minimally but it's not good. But it's very rare and it his worst trait.

Original poster
DraggingItOut · 09/08/2015 08:32

Thanks everyone for your responses. I agree that people and couples have their own way of doing things that sometimes works for both, or just one of them. My DH comes round after a day or so and he's always the one who starts being nice again, well, before me anyway, so maybe we're both stubborn!
I recognise stonewalling etc but I don't believe he's an emotional abuser.
It's interesting to see how others deal with conflicts and in an ideal world it would all be sorted out straight away with everyone being very reasonable, but that's just not realistic is it?! Hope everyone else gets their grievances sorted!

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 09/08/2015 08:35

We must be quite odd as we never argue.

bigTillyMint · 09/08/2015 08:36

Sometimes people need calming down time before they can be civil again. Some people like to sulk and try to make the other person feel guilty. Some people stonewall and try to gain power by doing this. Do you know which applies to your DH?

DH and I say it as it is to each other when we have a row, then we get back on with life.