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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend seeing prostitues?!

46 replies

Littlemissgrace · 07/08/2015 14:55

Hello, I'm new today, I need help and advice, I am 25 have been with my partner for 6 years nearly, will try to keep it short. He has always had a very keen eye for porn, hours on end he would spend looking at it whilst I'm at work, he has also a keen eye for all women when we are out together, I have checked his internet history on his phone on numerous occasions now and it's always shown up escort websites, especially adult work. He looks when he gets an opportunity, immediately it give me a red flag, I started to panic and stress and really upset myself, could he be doing this to me , a year has passed in still with him I want evidence n proof, I confronted him months ago n left for a week , he swore or my life n his children's lives that he does not see escorts n he doesn't pay to have sex with any women, 'he doesn't need to' are his words. Stupidly I got back with him but I'm clever I check his bank n wait for the money to come out , then the lies as to why he is late, one evening when he got the money out n had been elsewhere I got dressed up hoping to b intimate but he pushed me away so that was obvious, the iPhone has recent locations on it so iv checked that one of the places that crops up is only 5 minutes drive from home n the other is an escort agency, the time spent there n the money he gets out link up, it's obvious, he is very deceitful makes up all sorts of excuses for the reason behind his lateness n money! I don't know what to do or where to go from here! ????

OP posts:

Joysmum · 07/08/2015 15:23

Women with no job and a clutch of children manage to extricate ex themselves from relationships!

It's time to stop with the 'can't' attitude and plan a way out you can do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2015 15:26

You won't be leaving anytime soon if you're only working 8 hours a week and you've already stitched yourself up by getting back together. The mistake has already been made, do not prolong the agony by staying there any longer, you're simply being dragged down with him.

Is this really what you envisaged for yourself at 25?. You've already sunk six years into him, surely you must say to yourself no more.

It is not impossible to find alternative employment or to walk and use public transport to get to a job.

Original poster

Littlemissgrace · 07/08/2015 15:27

I learnt that a relationship is based on trust n honesty and love, with considersatiom of one another feelings and to be yourself and to be happy, I have no friends, not close friends I have people I work with but none of which would put me up, I don't sleep with him because of the dog, only because I don't want him to think there is something up whilst I try think of a way out of this crap, he said he is happy to be with me n he talks of future plans with me I honestly don't think he will chuck me out why would he when I do everything for him.

OP posts:

rouxlebandit · 07/08/2015 15:29

I haven't read all the fine detail about why you can't leave him. But if you really must stay put then tell him that the 2 of you are housemates from today, nothing more. Get a new boyfriend - 6' 6" 18 stone rugby player or boxer would be perfect.

Original poster

Littlemissgrace · 07/08/2015 15:30

I know what the right thing is to do its just not easy when it you, iv gotta do it properly, it's nice to be able to talk about it someone n get some help.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 15:31

Nobody is saying pack a bag right now but you should really now start planning your escape route, there's women on here every day leaving and they have far more ties than you do.

In Scotland you can get a room in a shared flat for around £300 a month, and that includes bills.

Nobody needs to take you in long term, it would be temporary until you got something permanent.

Sorry OP, you don't sound remotely interested in actually leaving him so I cant advise anything else.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2015 15:32

"he said he is happy to be with me n he talks of future plans with me I honestly don't think he will chuck me out why would he when I do everything for him".

He must think you are a complete and utter mug. He is happy to be with you because he has you good and proper and he knows it; he controls your life that much. He has likely isolated you socially from your friends as well

Do you really want to destroy your self worth further by being at all in his presence?. You must really feel crap having sex with this person at all, what about the very real risk to you of catching a STD from him?.

rouxlebandit · 07/08/2015 15:32

...........Come on, you youngsters have got all these OLD sites nowadays so it must be easy to find a guy.

Original poster

Littlemissgrace · 07/08/2015 15:32

Made me :) roux, that sounds perfect lol, there is an age gap between us , I was hoping to get with this older guy in the hope he was mature and had grown out off all the lad stuff but he seems to be addicted or something

OP posts:

Reginafalangie · 07/08/2015 15:35

I am with you jan there is no more advice to give.

Leave or stay the choice is yours OP. I am not sure what else this thread can give you.

Original poster

Littlemissgrace · 07/08/2015 15:35

This is why I am looking for a job , I can't afford 300 a month that's without food n travel expenses, phone bill etc, I know I can't go but I am trying to make plans to leave looking for a job is fine just not a lot about n when u say u rely on public transport they turn u away! I want to leave 110% I do! I don't wanna be penny less n can't go anywhere

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2015 15:35

What you also need to do in the longer term is to completely and utterly reassess your whole approach when it comes to relationships.

People very rarely change; if he was always a lad then he will likely always be a lad.

I also think that you've learnt a hell of a lot of damaging lessons along the way and all that needs to be unlearnt. As it is you are still a magnet for all the low lifes like the particular individual you describe.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 07/08/2015 15:49

Really sorry you're in this situation!
First thing you should do is check yourself out really and definitely start using condoms
Like the other ladies said try to improve you job situation... Not sure what you want out of this man.. He won't change. If you have children with him he might get worse

pocketsaviour · 07/08/2015 16:20

Have you done bar work or waitressing, etc, before?

Get yourself round to all the local pubs, restaurants, cafes, sandwich shops, etc in your local area. Try to get guaranteed hours, but whatever you can get. If there's a clash between two of them, take the one with longer hours and best wage, but also take tipping into account if it's a restaurant.

In the meantime - if you were to tell him things were over and you will be moving out soon, do you feel he would be reasonable? Legally of course he can't kick you out if you're on the lease. If you think he will be reasonable, tell him, but don't tell him anything else. If he asks where you're working, just say "in a bar" or whatever, and then stop listening.

If you don't think he would be reasonable - if you think he's going to be emotionally and verbally abusive - then you keep schtum and just tell him you've got more hours.

Regarding the dog, I understand your heartbreak, but you need to rehome him, unless you can get a full time job which will let you afford a flat (and having a dog is something a lot of landlords will not allow.) You need to aim at getting a room in a shared house or flat, preferably a private arrangement so you won't need a full credit check.

Maybe you can re-home the dog with a relative so you could visit him occasionally, and you'd know he was being cared for right?

DelphiniumBlue · 07/08/2015 16:29

This man sounds awful, and he totally disrespects you.
As your job is only for 8 hours, I'm sure you'd easily find something else.
I'd suggest going to your Dad's and once you're safely there you can get your life back in order, look for work,study,get a car, sign on, whatever you need to do.
I don't understand why you are staying with him a moment longer. You are wasting your life, at your age you should be enjoying yourself!

shovetheholly · 07/08/2015 17:37

Have a look for rooms in shared houses near to your work. It's a lot cheaper than getting a place by yourself, and you won't have to give up work or be sanctioned for doing so.

And definitely follow the advice others have given about picking up any work that's going in local bars etc. This is absolutely about getting you out of there, but it's also about you learning that you can and will look after yourself when the chips are down. And that's something that no-one can ever take from you.

Enoughalreadyyou · 07/08/2015 17:50

I really understand how you feel because it happened to me except I was married to him. This does mess with your MH. You don't have enough reason to stay. He won't stop so there's no point. It's his problem
Loads of men out there once you're settled with a job and flat share.
Start planning your future. Force yourself to be positive and then it will happen. I'm so sorry you had to put up with this. Why don't they just leave and spend all their salary on their pathetic hobby. Christ.
One day you look back and be proud of the fact you looked after yourself. He's not even a man.

Lacoba66 · 07/08/2015 18:02

OP, please take yourself and your dog off to your Dad's. Whilst I understand that your job is only guaranteed 8hrs, but that you may get more, if you leave the job and claim JSA, then you may well be entitled to more than a normal 8hrs week of wages.

I'm not suggesting this as a long term solution, but £73.00 odd and living at your Dad's has got to be preferable than living with this scumbag?

You tell the job centre that he was abusive, so you had to leave and that's why you had to give your job up- that way, they won't sanction you.

Then, at least you can regain your confidence and start searching for another job- then save up and find your own place to live.

It may sound as though I have simplified it, but it really can be as simple as that.

Nonnainglese · 07/08/2015 18:13

Is this real?
You know precisely what you need to do, so get on and bloody do it!
I can't see for the life of me why you are staying; tell your dad and get out.
Get benefits advice too.

I'm really struggling with why the heck you haven't got out before now.......

YonicScrewdriver · 07/08/2015 18:21

Please stop having sex with him. Plead recurrent cystitis if you have to. It will destroy your soul and possibly your sexual health.

Isetan · 08/08/2015 11:59

Leaving this relationship will be cost you financially but nothing compared to the cost to your self respect and dignity, if you stay and continue to sleep with this walking STD.

You need to break the bad habit of prioritising his feelings and opinions over yours, You are not helpless or without options.

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