Communication

[wetcrow]

Hi,

Wondering if anyone is/was a "sulker" and managed to snap out of it. My OH has a very quick temper and says things out of anger which he doesn't mean but then I can't forget them and how he's hurt my feelings...I then simmer and brood for days so end up "punishing" him with silence. When we argue, he basically says what he thinks...I can't think of counter arguments on the spot and then end up going away and brooding about it for days, weeks, then it all comes out unprompted when we have our next argument. He is always the first one to make up.

What I would like to be able to do is just speak my mind as and when I feel like it...but something just holds me back and then I can't get the words out. Does anyone else ever have this and did they manage to overcome it?

I feel it's affected my ability to be intimate with him, giving him a hug, etc. it's almost like I stop myself from giving him a hug as we're
Supposed to be rowing, if that makes sense. Thinking of going to relate as I think it's probably finished my marriage off but I don't want to make the same mistakes again in the future. Really feel down about it but I just can't seem to shake off the awkwardness. Don't think OH is interested now and whenever I try and hug him it feels a bit forced. It's like I need someone to tell me when to be angry, when to be happy etc.

Can anyone relate to this or am I just destined to be awkward forever

Very weird to see my own feelings and experiences so precisely written out. I definitely relate to this, especially the whole 'needing to be told how to feel' thing.

Makes me want to know about your upbringing.

I can't go for that long but yes I do distance myself to gather my thoughts and make some sense of them.

Once I have, I pick a time when all is calm to discuss them. If I leave things then they fester and grow and I know from experience it's better to deal with issues as soon as is practically possible.

Likewise, if either of us have had an outburst that needs apologizing for them we do it otherwise that festers too.

It's not always easy but I want my marriage to be as good as it can be and I certainly don't want to punish or hurt my DH because we both say and do things that aren't ideal and to hurt him hurts me.

Reported. Fuck off love. Mindful enough for you?

Glad to know there are others like me! Sorry for the late reply, fell asleep.

Upbringing is quite textbook middle class kid with issues, haha. Very large age gap between me and sibling and parents worked non stop so was brought up largely by childminders etc. They're very sociable, as is part of their culture so weekends were nearly always spent at other people's houses or with guests at our house. I didn't really start getting on with parents properly until I met my OH and we became a "unit."

I am the youngest so quite often they "baby" me and then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We live 150 miles from them and was constantly told that I wouldn't cope with having a kid on my own with no family support. I think they are really surprised that I haven't made a hash of it :). I guess they are a bit overbearing.

I spend ages wondering how DH is, and then when I see him I can't get the words out, it's like we just let it blow over.

Before I go any further I think that DH has been really out of order a fee times so I don't think it's just down to me but I do think the communication thing needs addressing. I'm pretty sociable and easy going on the outside, just seem to have developed some kind of anxious alter-ego within myself

Sorry but if my partner had a quick temper and said hurtful things to me I'd find it hard to give him a hug too, we remember words.

You could give Relate a last shot at turning this into a happy relationship, it might turn out you two are never going to communicate properly, sometimes we stay in relationships we should have left long ago.

Myself & DH are the opposite, I have the quick temper, though I don't tend to say hurtful things, I quickly get over whatever issue we may have had at the time. DH sulks & broods, this can last for days & as I can't stand it or even understand it it certainly feels like a punishment. Tbh it's had me really questioning our relationship lately as I'm unsure if it's something I can tolerate anymore, life is too short for sulking & ignoring those you love & care about.

I'm a "withdrawer" rather than a sulker. I think there is a difference, though maybe not obviously. If I am involved in conflict with OH then my instinctive reaction is to avoid that subject and not discuss it in the future. It doesn't manifest itself in sulking as there isn't any degree of punishment involved, it just means that I am not as open as I would've been previously. There isn't any kind of ignoring, stonewalling or anything along those lines, more a gradual reduction in the once easy-going, discuss anything nature of our relationship.

It has been linked to a kind of protection-mechanism (I've done a bit of research and therapy), someone hurts me (emotionally) and I don't want to be put in the situation where it can be repeated, so I avoid it and continue as before, day-to-day life, communication etc. carries on.

I know it's not healthy though so I think some external help would probably benefit. OH is the same, we're both rubbish at communicating.

I understand completely about the anxious alter ego too!

I know what you mean about the remembering words thing, Jan45, it's like I can't let go of it although I'm sure I've probably thought many mean things in my head in response but not said them if that makes sense as I'm too cautious and measured.

I am going to use the relate online service and see if it works for me, it feels like writing it down has helped a great deal actually.

DH feels lonely and so do I. We never used to feel like this, I feel like life has overtaken us a bit. I tried to hug him today when he was upset (trying to go for walks together to talk whilst DD asleep) and he said it just complicated things.

Bolshier it's good to hear that from a female perspective. Are you genuinely pissed off at your husband when you lose your temper or are you just "sounding off?" Do you have to coax out of him why he is sulking? It must be exhausting.

Keepithidden that is interesting. Did you and OH go to therapy together? To be honest if I am honest with myself, he says one out of order thing out of 50 complimentary things. I just can't forget the bad thing!

No wetcrow, she didn't like the idea of counselling when I suggested it (a few years ago now) and still doesn't. I used the Relate online service and would recommend it for those who are poor communicators, especially verbally!

I struggle with forgetting positives and remebering negatives too, again that seems to be fairly typical behaviour judging from what my Counsellor wrote anyway. They were very good at suggesting ways to get around my issues, but after a couple of years of trying to change and realising that, actually I was blaming myself for stuff that was out of my control I have ended up reverting to type.

Who wants to be with a man that has a quick temper though and says hurtful things, you don't, because as you say you are measured and probably just being considerate, he needs to change the way he's communicating, you sound fine!

Honestly stop trying to cuddle him cos it sounds like he gets a kick out of making you feel crap.

I would be telling him it's crisis time, either get it sorted out or you are best to just split up.

I'm the same as Bolshier. When my late husband and I argued, I'd be the one to calm down quickly and try and sort things out. He would often sulk for days though.

The thing was, even if we'd 'made up' at the time, he'd often then go back a step the next day, having decided I hadn't been sorry enough. His sulking created a poisonous atmosphere in the house, that my DD picked up on. There were times when I literally begged him to speak to me again, and I now know that u will never, ever, let anyone belittle me like that again.
I should say, my LH had other problems too which may have contributed, however I think harsh words said in the heat of the moment are no worse than days of silent sulking aimed at a prolonged punishment of the other person.

keepithidden that is reassuring to know about the online Relate service. I've just had to cough up my £28 so will write my email to them with some hope!

Jan45 you're right about the cuddling. Will stop it now. It's so awkward. I do try and make the effort to be considerate though and feel it is not appreciated sometimes.

Ladylouanne that sounds like it was very tough. I agree that the two behaviours probably cancel each other out.

I'm so uptight and awkward, I often wonder how I managed to give birth in front of a room full of people!

I stopped trying to coax him out of a sulk a long time ago, I now simply leave him to it & he comes round eventually, thing is though I've now started to think fuck off when the sulk is over, why should I simply go back to normal when you have spent the last however many days ignoring me hence me now really mulling over the relationship. It's not a good cycle but it's one that I'm struggling to break.

Oh & yes, most of the time I am pissed off with him-I don't just sound off.

What a drain, Is it worth the stress?