As predicted ex wants to move back in. How to handle this?

[thinkingmakesitso]

We split last year after his affair with a mutual friend, no divorce proceedings. I have had numerous threads about him and people on here and on rl said he may decide he wants to come back and that has now happened. Also as predicted, I feel so much better than I did a year ago and don't want him back. I think he is in contact with ow, but not with her.

He has walked away with nothing from the marriage so far and seems to be living with a friend. He sees a lot of the dc (before and after school care) but all at my house and at my expense, apart from the odd w/e when he takes them to his parents. He gives me no money for them.

He looked after mine and the dc's cats when we were away last week, and when we got back and he had put the dc to bed, he told me he would like to try again. I told him no way. I'm sure he has just said this as the 'thrill' of being single and free again has worn off and the financial implications of his decision have sunk in. He had the nerve to tell me it was best for the dc when I said I didn't want to mess them around - his treatment of me after he told me about the affair- lying about making a go of our marriage while still seeing her- is actually worse than the affair itself. I can see no way how it could work again. He talked of 'working hard on the marriage' and I just thought why? I somehow have more money (a lot) now he has gone, making me wonder what he was spending it on..., the house is tidier, despite his being a sahd and I'm not anxious/on edge wondering what is up with him all the time.

So why did I cry after he left when I had told him no? I feel so sad and guilty about the whole thing. He looks so rough sometimes and I feel like he has nothing now and it hurts me. Also, sometimes he doesn't look rough... As well, I am lonely and worry about being alone forever. Just took the dc away for a week and it was mostly great, but sometimes I seemed to be stranded in a sea of happy couples/parents.

Ironically, I worried so much about the impact on the dc when we split and now they are the reason why I wouldn't 'give it another go', as it would be unforgivable to mess them around if/when a reconciliation failed. I suppose I am just after some advice to keep me strong.

Sounds like he wants to make another go of living in comfort to chase his whims while someone else sorts out the bills , the cleaning , and the childcare.

I have no idea what he will live on. Credit? Benefits (gets nothing disability related)? His mother? It was on the tip of my tongue to ask, but then I thought it's not my business or problem. When we were 'making a go of it' this time last year, he was adamant he would be working whatever happened between us. Well, that has lasted all of a year. His lack of commitment/ sense of responsibility was a huge drain when we were together and I think it would have driven us apart in the end once the dc were at school even without his infidelity. He was a committed sahd (affair aside) but once that was needed less with the dc at school, resentment was going to set in with him wanting to be a musician/writer etc and me being the bread-winner.

He would always be wanting us to spend money on stuff we couldn't really afford too. I have £9000 of credit card bills to pay off - all in my name unfortunately, so he has walked away from debt as well as a house, so it's not all gone my way financially. I really wonder where the money went as I am so comfortable now, yet we usually ran out of money by the end of the month while he was here...

I know it would be better if he didn't provide my childcare before and after school, but I am reluctant to stop it. Firstly because the children love seeing him nearly every day. Secondly because I need to leave for work at 6.30am and also need flexibility over finishing time as well. I have looked, but it seems I would need a nanny or au pair for that round here, and I can afford neither. Thirdly, he has little to no money to give me, so the childcare is his 'provision'. Without it, what would he actually be doing as a father? How would it benefit the children to take that away while he is willing to provide it?

I do worry though, that even though he has moved out he could still be seen as a main carer by a judge and awarded the house by a judge as he does all the morning and most of the afternoon care as well, despite not living here. He could argue I could not manage to be the primary carer without him. That is another reason I don't really want to rock the boat.

Not sure if a judge would tell me to move out and pay for him to stay. I couldn't afford anywhere for myself if I had to do that, and since ex has a very limited income, he couldn't pay much towards the mortgage. We moved here a couple of years ago (during h's affair!) increasing our mortgage quite a bit, meaning there is very little equity here. If we split the proceeds of a sale, there would be nowhere near enough for h to use as a deposit and he wouldn't get a mortgage anyway, meaning the children would have lost their home for him to have a few grand that would be gone within a couple of years. I hope a judge would see the futility in that and stop the home being sold while the children are here .

Thank you so much for all the words of wisdom above.

What a complete waster of a man, two kids and he pays FA to their upbringing, he looks after them sometimes, big deal!

No judge in the world would award him anything.

He's missing his creature comforts and believe me if you let him back you will find it extremely hard to get him back out again now he knows how hard it is on the 'outside'. Going through a breakup again will mess with your kids head and trust me they won't blame you when they're get older.

Don't go backwards you'll end up so miserable and feeling trapped. I agree it's time to setting things in motion to seperate from him legally.

It sounds as though he only wants to reconcile because he has no job, wants to finish his book and be kept in a level he is accustomed too...no statements that he loves you etc.....how entitled his he!?

Please please listen to your intuition. It's telling you it's not the right thing to do. If you did get back together, it would be fine for a time. Well, untill he gets bored/frustrated again and then he'll be off with another women. Sorry to be blunt, but that's the truth.

You and your children are worth so much more.

I was in your situation but decided to give it a go as I 'felt' for him. Needless to say, it didn't work. I'd changed so much as a person, outgrown him, if you will. It just highlighted that actually, he never made me happy. It did give me the closure. He's changed and I kind of hoped it would work, but for the wrong reasons.

I'm sad that he broke our family, but for him in glad he realised the error of his ways and will go on to find someone else.

I think you need to take legal advice to establish how contact might be shared. At the moment you are in limbo but if he decides you're serious about the relationship being over, he could start divorce proceedings anyway, and then you'll need to face up to the realities of the shared care arrangement you have.

no i think the judge would see it as you see it (if you explained it) that he was providing the pre and after school care in lieu of any financial commitment and because you were seeing it as the only way of providing contact given he hasn't secured a home suitable for him to have contact in.

You don't want him back. That's entirely reasonable and sensible under the circumstances. He has nothing to offer you except before and after-school care. It's inevitable that once you tell him that it's truly over and you're not interested in trying to make yet another go of your marriage, he's going to withdraw any of the child-care he's now undertaking. But that's not a good enough reason to have this rubbish excuse of a man insinuate himself back under your roof.

Make alternative plans for child-care and tell him to sling his hook. I'd also not have him entering your home as and when it suits him. If he wants to spend time with his children it needs to be somewhere other than the family home. He made the decision to leave and he needs to stay the fuck away.

I doubt very much that your children will come to blame you for the end of your marriage once they're acquainted with the naked truth of his actions.

How insulting is it that he only wants to make another go of your marriage when he's totally run out of other options! Cheeky fucker

For the last year he has mainly been temping in schools as a cover supervisor but he now tells me he plans to not work until 'at least Christmas' in order to finish a book he has been writing since I met him. Reads to me like the only reason he wants to come back is not you or your DC but your bank balance.

Should you allow him back (and I can't see why you would) then he needs to cover at least 50% of the household bill (including food) and all his personal expenses.

So many alarm bells ringing here.

Please, please Op go and get legal advice asap. This man could take everything from you. Your home, your children, your income, your self esteem and every last vestige of self confidence.

He is a "user" of the worst kind. As the outsider view is always more clear and less emotionally clouded please take our advice. I haven't seen anyone telling you to take him back.

You are going to have to go against your kind nature and play hard ball. Get the information you need and act on it when you are ready. Find out where you stand and work from there. Do not discuss it with him!

My Mum had her own house, all paid for and met someone who moved in and contributed nothing. He wouldn't leave when the relationship soured and trotted off to a solicitor to find out his rights. He was entitled to a big pay out according to him. My mother was heart broken. He also claimed his children were entitled to half her house when she died. They were not even married to each other.

Do you know how it ended? She let him stay and he died of pancreatic cancer. She wasted 20 years of her life.

his life is full of half-finished projects like this

Strikes me that you and the DC are another half-finished project. And the OW perhaps another.

I'm glad you're not impressed with the argument that it would be better for the DC if he came back. What would have been great for the DC would be if their father had not run off with another woman and given their mother a merry runaround in the process. Before he did that would have been a great time to think of their welfare. Now is not such a good time.