Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

18 months into a relationship and we're still not 'serious'.

43 replies

DesertIslander · 06/08/2015 21:37

I was single during pregnancy and happened to meet someone a month or so before my baby was born. Biological father has never met my (now) toddler . I still think of him every day.

Anyway, new relationship, 18 months on. It has been turbulent at times but my question is: would you expect more than this?
We live separately. He owns. I rent. That works. He comes over once or twice during the week for an hour after my toddler has gone to bed. We spend afternoons together at weekends sometimes so he sees toddler then. He doesn't sleep over because I co-sleep with toddler. Spending time with my small person is my #1 priority as I work full time so I admit that I expect him to work around us to some extent. He has looked after toddler for a few hours once, and has changed 2 nappies (in total). I am prepared to be told I need to get a grip but I had dreamed of more than this.

Tonight I tried to talk to him about wanting more and he stormed off.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 06/08/2015 22:34

Uh-oh. Doesn't sound like it was nice and easy at all

Shouts in your face? GET RID. who cares if he has an 'anxiety disorder' - no excuse.

Original poster

DesertIslander · 06/08/2015 22:35

Cabrinha

I feel so sad as soon as my toddler is asleep. I actually like the frequent night wakings. I study a distance learning degree in the evenings so not much time for a hobby and babysitting isn't an option because the 2 occasions I left DS I had to come home after a short while because he was upset and wouldn't settle.
I need to sort myself out, I sound like a fruit loop and a loser

OP posts:

Original poster

DesertIslander · 06/08/2015 22:36

Fish and springy, honestly, that's absolutely nothing. I have had two glasses of wine now and promised myself I wouldn't get into that side of it.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 06/08/2015 22:40

I learned to like the wakings too! I'd croon to myself to try to stay positive and sane "my darling girl, I'm the luckiest mummy in the world because I get a few extra hours with you every night that those poor sleeping mummies do not get"

I get that you're sad - but I reckon you'd be less sad without this abusive loser (and he is abusive, shouting at you) in your life. I'm not saying you'd be suddenly happy. But less sad, and you'd have the potential to meet someone else or do something else.

With the settling... If you prefer to stay with him, that's fine. But it's also fine to let him learn to settle. I left mine for an evening at 8 months and then not again until 13 months! But they honestly do get used to it, and traitorously quickly!

Cabrinha · 06/08/2015 22:42

Why not get into it?
There are plenty here who have put up with worse for a time.
Plenty won't judge you. x
But they'll let you talk and offer suggestions if you want them.

MysteryMan1 · 06/08/2015 22:46

He started it because he thought you were attractive and wanted a fuck. When the reality dawned on him he got cold feet. Most men wouldn't want to feel second to a kid, let alone someone else's. Sorry for being hard but it's how I see it.

scatterthenuns · 06/08/2015 22:49

I think you need to be single and really get over the biological father.

It seems to me like you are harping that bf will somehow 'correct' your family set up, and give you what you were aiming for when you fell pregnant.

Newbrummie · 06/08/2015 22:49

People still want to date me and by people I mean the school heart throb, lots of money, kind considerate sweet men .... And I have four kids, you only have one you can and will do so much better than this.
My advice honestly is you have enough to cope with, any issues come to light move on, you don't need anxiety, anger anything on your plate.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 06/08/2015 22:55

You write about how your DS's needs come before everything else but then you go on about wanting to push a reluctant, anxious, angry, shouty man to be a father figure to him.

The only men you should allow to be close companions to your DS are those you'd be happy for him to grow up to be like.

Original poster

DesertIslander · 06/08/2015 22:57

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

DesertIslander · 06/08/2015 22:58

I know, Ketchup. I am ashamed of myself

OP posts:

Botanicbaby · 06/08/2015 23:30

oh OP you are not stupid. It is only natural to want there to be someone else to love your toddler and miss adult conversation and company at times. But it will pass, please don't accept this turbulent, disatisfactory relationship because you cannot see anything else coming your way. It will.

please don't stay with someone who storms off, that is so exhausting and stressful and doesn't make for a happy relationship and only after 18 months!!! It sounds like he is getting his needs met but you are compromising yours.

springydaffs · 06/08/2015 23:54

Come on, you're not the first - and won't be the last - to put up with an abusive relationship. I'm one and I'm far from alone. AND I went back for more (far from alone on that, too - most go back at least once).

Get along to the Freedom Programme - a course near you, look on their site. Most of the women there are in relationships like yours. It's not you who should be feeling the shame - it's him. The one who tapped a heavily pg woman and used her for 18 months.

Lightbulbon · 07/08/2015 00:11

I dated as a single mum of a toddler working full time. It isn't odd in that situation to not see as much of a boyfriend as you would under normal circumstances.

However in your case this isn't a healthy relationship.

You are lonely.

Honestly, you will be more lonely in the long term if you remain with this man. Set yourself free and in time, when your toddler is sleeping and at an age where finding a sitter is easier, you will meet someone else.

springydaffs · 07/08/2015 00:55

In the meantime, learn to enjoy yourself. I mean YOUR self. Learn to love yourself - by that I mean search high and low for strategies and support to learn to love, then like, yourself. Which usually means professional support somewhere along the line; courses, groups, books...

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 11:53

Can I just say you don't need a replacement daddy for your child, your child can grow up happy and balanced with you and some family/friends as role models. It's really not that hard to raise one child on your own, I did it and she turned out more adjusted and pleasant than the married friends.

Jan45 · 07/08/2015 11:55

You say you love and adore your toddler so don't expose your child to a man with anger issues.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/08/2015 17:20

My impression from your posts is that he is a confirmed bachelor. He probably has a different girl for every night of the week. The sweet talking is a seduction script...nothing but lip service. It may be hard to recognize it when it first comes out, but over time his actions betray it for what it is: very superficial. He is good for an occasional fuck, but I don't think you will be able to depend on him for anything else.

I agree with not putting up with the shouting at you...completely disrespectful.

I am glad for you that you did not go to the races. He expects to snap his fingers and have you come running? No thanks.

Flip

1 2