Feeling really, really low…need to vent about my life.

[Justneedtovent01]

I’m not really even sure where to start. I’m sitting here today feeling so down. Feeling like my relationship isn’t right, feeling betrayed by friends, feeling that actually, I don’t have that many ‘real’ friends. More than that though, I’m feeling really affected by my past. I’ve never spoken about my childhood, to anyone. I saw a counsellor privately last year for a bit and didn’t even really tell her all that happened.

I think I just need to get it all out.

Basically, in a nutshell, I grew up with an EA, PA & controlling father who was a gambling addict. He, however, is a very educated, intelligent man with a pretty good job.

A mother, who, is extremely uneducated/ unintelligent but very beautiful and who saw my dad when she first met him all those years ago as a meal ticket. More fool her.

My whole life she was completely and utterly beholden to him, which he loved, wanted. He was paranoid throughout our whole childhood that she was having an affair and basically kept her under lock and key. She doesn’t drive and hardly ever went out or did anything without his ‘permission.’

We struggled financially as although my father had a pretty well paid job, he was/is a compulsive gambler and I suspect racked up loads of debts. At some points during my childhood, I’m not even exaggerating when I say we had no money. Not enough for food. For a few years they had no car so had to walk to bus stops and literally scrimp for change so my dad could get the bus to work until payday came about again. They were literally living pay cheque to pay cheque.

My dad then went self-employed and built up a small business, it did well and for years we then had some money, in fact, we were pretty affluent for a time. Myself and my sibling materially had everything; amazing holidays, shopping sprees every week, expensive school trips, horses etc and for a while, forgot what it was like to be ‘poor’ except you never forget do you. However stupidly and foolishly, they didn’t save a penny and when the/ a recession hit, my dad’s business was hit too. It didn’t survive and within a few months of it folding, we were back to square one. My dad joined back up with the corporate, global firm he worked for before he went SE, however, looking back it’s clear he was depressed as he just stopped going to work, literally lay in bed and refused to do anything.

Throughout all of these ‘poor’ stages, my mother refused to work. Well, whether it was a refusal or my father wouldn’t ‘let’ her I don’t know. Occasionally she would do a few weeks work here and there but as she is uneducated and doesn’t drive etc, they were never jobs that paid more than minimum wage. One day, she upped and left, taking myself and my sibling with her. She had been having an affair and had taken us to live with this man….funnily enough, another ‘rich’ man.
Except it wasn’t just ‘upped and left’ my father found out just before she took us and physically assaulted her in front of me and my sibling. The police were called but she eventually dropped the charges.

I could go on and on but basically, over the next 10 years her and my father got back together (when the other man she left him for finished with her) and split up again numerous times. There were other affairs by my mother and more accusations by my father, he got even more possessive if that’s possible, but he kept taking her back because frankly he was lonely, no one else would have him.

They struggled for money until he eventually took VR from the big, global firm and went SE again as a contractor. Almost every time the going got tough financially, my mum got going, but always came crawling back once she realised on her own meant having to actually work for a living.

I am painting a really horrible picture of my mum, who is actually, my best friend and is incredibly kind and supportive in everything I do. I have gotten so angry with her over the years for not working and getting us out of financial hell, to be fair I think a lot of it is confidence, she has none and also the jobs that she has done in the past haven’t been very nice (cleaning, factory work) and so I think she associates working with really crappy jobs. But still, I AM resentful of her. I love her, but I don’t respect her and I always vowed to never end up like her.

So cut to now, today, 2015. I am well educated, have a pretty good job that pays a pretty good salary. I somehow ended up ‘graduating’ (if you like) to a circle of friends that are all ‘upper middle class’ and who know nothing of my background or previous struggles. I have a lovely, amazing DP who is very successful in his own right and I feel really proud of him. He comes from a very modest family and had a very modest upbringing with financial struggles too, however, his parents were responsible with money and BOTH worked bloody hard and so now their days of worrying about money are over. He is very careful and savvy with money and is very scathing of people who aren’t. He knows nothing of my parent’s struggles. Everyone who knows me and the lifestyle I lead now assumes I come from a very affluent background, I tell them I don’t but don’t go into details and I think they think I’m just being humble.

Cut to my parents today and luckily, the past 6 or 7 years has been okay for them money wise, still only my dad (who is now retirement age!) working SE, but they are mortgage free and only have small bills (I assume) to pay and so are okay for money.

I know for a fact though, they are just okay. They have absolutely no savings and still spend money like it’s water. My mum spends her days shopping, getting facials and manicures and lapping up her ‘lifestyle’ I want to scream at them, what the F are they going to do when my dad has to retire?! How are they going to manage to pay bills and live on just my dad’s pensions?

I’m ashamed to say I’ve developed their spending habits. I have a pretty well paid job but I do tend to live a champagne lifestyle on lemonade money. I have a bit of debt (not loads but a bit) that I am trying to clear and save for a mortgage. It’s bloody hard though.

My parents will never be able to afford to give me a deposit for a mortgage, god knows what I’ll do if I ever get engaged as there is no way my dad has a spare £20k for a wedding. Not that I think I’d ever be able to accept money from them for a house or wedding knowing their financial situation.

I am angry, ashamed and resentful of them every day and I’m ashamed that I’ve ever just typed that. To my father for being the complete nutjob that he is and gambling so compulsively. He has been supportive in decisions I’ve made and helped to a point and he would give me his last penny if he could, he’s extremely generous and always has been. But that’s it. He is paranoid, controlling, lies and is the most arrogant person I’ve ever met.

My mother for being weak and dependent and at times throughout my childhood, horribly selfish.

And I’m ashamed of myself because this is my background. I wonder if my OH, with his incredibly superior stance and views on finances would still be with me if he knew my background. I wonder if most of my friends who were born with silver spoons in their mouths and had loving, stable families, homes and upbringings would still be my friend if they knew.

I wonder what my future holds. I want to be secure and stable, I never want to worry about money. I know it can’t buy you happiness, but I also know that the feeling of being piss poor and literally not having enough money to eat, worrying about where the next penny is going to come from and bailiffs knocking at the door is absolutely the worst and it is definitely not conducive to being happy.

I love my DP, he is kind, supportive, attentive, always there for me when I need him, prioritises me and I never doubt his love for me. He is a completely different man to my father. Yet, I always try and sabotage our relationship, I push him away. I take my moods out on him (I really try not to but if I’m having a bad day, it’ll be him I snap at irritably) I have this overwhelming sense that one day he’ll wake up and find out all these things about me and go.

I don’t know why I typed all of this out. Today, after seeing my parents last night I just feel this massive weight. I feel so down and angry. I worry about the future constantly. How will they manage once my dad has to retire? What is my mum going to do when my dad dies? Will my sibling and I be left with debts? I just have these worries rushing through my mind all the time.

I don’t know what I want/ expect from writing this post. I just need to get it out.

I very much agree about sharing your background with your DP. I can't see how it is possible to be truly close to someone if you don't know about their family and childhood. Maybe not all in one go but if he is all the good things you describe he will feel sad for you not leave you. Re friends, it actually sounds like you don't really know them all that well, are they newish friends? Everyone has personal info that is shared only with close friends. You have told them that they are mistaken about your background. You might drop in the occasional reference but really,unless they are very close to you then keep going as you are.

Your parents will never change. You need to accept that right now. Perhaps they are planning to downsize to release capital for retirement? They must have some sort of idea but even if not, nothing you can do.

As is so frequently said on here, the only person you can change is yourself. You do sound troubled by all this. I suspect the secrets you are keeping from your DP are contributing to this unease. You identify your own weaknesses with overspending and inability to save. This is where you should be focussing rather than fretting about your parents. Learn from their mistakes and be certain you don't replicate them. Consider counselling if you can afford it but anyway you know what you need to do.

Good luck.

It's their life not yours. It's just the way they are. Flaws and all. I grew up with zero money. Really to the point of visiting family to eat. I'm now married to a 'middle class' man. He's lovely and adores my family . However his family hate me as I'm not good enough. I've never once tried to be something I'm not. I embrace my working class roots and so should you. I disagree with things that happened when we were younger (like hiding from the debt collectors on the door step ) and wish at times my dm had encouraged me more with education but she is who she is. I was loved and that's what I remember the most... so should you

I wonder if my OH, with his incredibly superior stance and views on finances would still be with me if he knew my background

Love does not judge people on their backgrounds OP, if he does then he's not worth being with.

I am not being unsympathetic to any worries and shit you have gone through OP but seriously, my parents did not have a bean. I had to work hard to get a good job and pay for things myself. I don't see how an adult can expect their parents to be paying for things for them.

I don't think this is about the OP having 'expectations' from her parents. I think it's about inequality in three ways:

1. The basic unfairness of the fact that her friends have parents who CAN afford those things and that this now makes the most massive difference in a young person's life. This can be compounded quite a lot when there has been money, but it's been lost as a result of financial mismanagement or selfishness on a parent's part. (I think there is a LOT of rationalising of financial inequality on Mumsnet - and I am tempted to suggest that it might just be related to the fact that many posters have had highly privileged upbringings or been helped in all sorts of ways, consequently feel a bit guilty about that inside, so want to minimise the emotional impact of that privilege).

1. The unfair burden that growing up in an unstable household with emotionally difficult parents places on a child, compared to those who grow up in happy, healthy homes.

1. Very different attitudes to money compared to a partner, and a fear of being exposed or humiliated as a result.

I actually think that anger is quite a normal initial response to realising that some people don't have to bear any of these burdens! But it is not an emotion to dwell in, or to become habituated to, because it damages you without actually changing anything. Here are some things that might be more helpful:

• Speak to your DP and appeal for his help. Vocalise your fears and your anxiety about being shamed about money, and your aspiration to save for a mortgage in future. Say that you want to learn a new way of managing money, and ask for his help - get this right, and he'll be flattered, not horrified. Financial budgeting is a skill, and someone who knows how to do it can be a huge asset. He'll also be there to give you moral support in resisting temptation and making sacrifices (if a little bit of you shrinks inside in response to reading that: think carefully! ARE you really committed to this? If not, why not?)

• Join a cause addressing the inequalities that you face, to channel your anger into something positive. There are LOTS of organisations campaigning for more affordable housing that could use your skills and your help. See this as part of a therapeutic process.

• Try to focus on living your own life, and not living 'in the eyes of others'. There are a lot of wealthy people who seem to have it all who are fucking miserable. The pursuit of money and status aren't 'projects'. The best way to be happy is to find something you really, really love and WANT to do as a vocation and to pursue it. Try to reckon your life in time (the finite number of years you have on this planet), not money, and make that your currency. Listen to me when I say that anyone who doesn't love you for who you are, and where you came from is not worth having in your life.

• See a counsellor! Especially if you feel conflicted about the idea of resisting temptation and saving. It could help you to deal with the conflicting impulses you feel and to accept responsibility for the things you can do to save cash.