when to give up on a friendship

[ellie567]

I'm not very good at making friends and only have 2 really good friends, this friend (Ann) and one who lives 200 miles away.

Ann and i used to be good friends and then for various reasons, one of which was me suffering from depression, our friendship started to drift.

The past few months have involved lots of bickering between us and has reached the point where we both automatically assume the negative about each other. The friendship has beome quite toxic on both sides. At the moment Ann is angry with me because I had a go at her but the reason I had a go was because she had lied to me about somethng (which she says wasn't an intentional lie).

Ann has made a new friend (Rachel) and when I see them together i'm reminded of Ann's really good qualities. At the moment I have two draft texts to send to Ann: one saying it would be healthier for both of us if we stopped trying to be friends and the other saying I miss being friends with the version of Ann that I see with Rachel.

How do you know when to stop trying with a friendship/

I don't think you should send either of your proposed texts as, imo, it would demean a friendship of long duration to end it in any other way other than by a handwritten letter or a face to face meeting.

When previously close friendships run out of steam or bickering over some misunderstanding or other sets in, it's best to take some time out to see whether absence makes the heart grow fonder and I suggest you wait to see if Ann gets in touch with you.

Like you, I had a toxic friendship which I only fully appreciated when I compared my friend's behaviour toward me to her behaviour towards her new friends. It reminded me of why I liked her in the first place, but then it made me really sad that she didn't afford me the same respect and pleasantness she could show others. In the end, it was an easy decision to cut ties and now we don't see each other. There's some residual hurt feelings but we are polite if we see each other in mixed company.

Lying is a major red flag, as so is being nice to other people, and an as pot with you.

Put this friendship on hold for a bit, try to get some space and perspective. Give her a chance if necessary. If with time things do not improve, I would eventually put an end to it.

Sorry meant "snappy"....