Family Ties and going it alone

[ChaCha]

Have a long history with my mother, we patched things up just before arrival of DS last year, she even moved closer to be near us and things were going okay - or so i thought. My mother won't get rid of the baggage that she's been carrying for years, whereas i've now moved on and gotten over the past and all the things that come with families of this type and am getting on well in life with DH, DS and one soon on way. My DH got so fed up yesterday he told her not to contact me until after baby no.2 is born as he is worried and concerned about all the arguing etc.. Explaining the whole situation would take too long but in a nutshell, I no longer have family to depend on come arrival of no.2 and just wondered (hope this was the right place to post) if it's possible to cope alone with a DH working all day and doing p/t degree evenings. My second child is due in about 11weeks - and does anyone else have little or no contact with parent/parents/grandparents and how do your kids cope without them/or you?

Sorry - but thanks.

Hi Cha Cha.

It doesn't sound as though your dc's won't have any contact with gps, just that your dh has arranged to give you some space till after the birth. Presumably, once things are on an even keel, your mum will be able to help out with occasional babysitting etc.

On your other question, I'm sure you'll be fine. When my ds1 was born very severely disabled, my dh was working full time and doing his Masters. I didn't expect or get any significant help. When ds 2 came along, my dh was working in Herts and I was in Liverpool. Again, he'd come home at weekends but he was knackered as well so didn't do much then either. My parents and his have always lived hundreds of miles away.
I think if you expect it to be a problem it will be, but if you go in with a can do mindset, you'll be absolutely fine, especially once the rift with your mum has been healed and she can give you some help.
Good luck.

Thank you mumblechum - and i think you are right on the can do mindset - having a not so good day with DS (they are rare i have to admit) and feeling a bit down having no mum to call and chat with too. The plan was for her to be with me a couple of weeks before EDD and stay a while, I had an emergency c-sec with DS and if i'm to have another was looking fwd to having the help with DS, DH just can't be around all the time and has busy schedule. Guess i'm panicking a little.
You seem to have done so well, thanks for the reply, any tips?
x

I know emergency Csections are not fun. Ihad them with both of mine and remember walking a quarter of a mile from the mat. hosp to Alder Hey 24 hours after the section to be with new ds2. Oh yes, and at the same time the house was on the market so I had to start lugging the hoover up and down the stairs 7 days after surgery. Grrr, it makes me sick to remember those early days, now I've started!

The only tip is to get as much sleep as poss. I used to put a "mum & baby, do not disturb" sign on the front door to deter people like health visitors etc, couldn't be bothered with them, and kind friends would just leave flowers etc on the doorstep.
Also stock up on ready meals for a couple of weeks.

Thanks MC

Right best get back to the grind.

Hi ChaCha, I have a similar situation. My mum lives in the midlands with my step-dad and we rarely see them. We have a long history and we're not at all close (though I have a feeling that's not the story my mother spins).

I felt that we had become closer after ds (now 3 and our first) was born-though I saw them a grand total of twice whilst pregnant.
It now seems to have reverted to type and we rarely speak, rarely see them unless it's at their convenience and they run a mile if ds has any problems (he has been ill alot-nothing serious thankfully.)

So...all I can say is that if you have a nice loving family yourselves then your children will thrive. Dh and I sat down recently and it hit us that it really was just us (recent crappy behaviour by both sets of parents led us to that!), and then we also realised that we were actually okay with that. What's the point of opening up our children to people who will only, ultimately, let them down anyway? That's how we feel anyway.
We have friends who have been more loyal to us and, because I think of my family situation, value loyalty more than most.

I think you cope with what you have tbh and I certainly don't think that the children suffer as long as they feel secure with you.
I can only echo the comment about stocking up with meals (be it frozen homemade or ready-meals) prior to the birth. We survived on casseroles, stuffed pittas, pasta & sauces etc.

Good luck xx

Hi RR and thank you for that too, our situation is very similar to yours - Very!! A lot of what you say rings a bell. My mum and her DP love my DS, there's no doubting that but it comes at a high price and one that we're no longer willing to pay, neither of us can take it anymore and mum is always the 'victim'...

Thanks, is really good to talk here x

Hi ChaCha, glad it rang a bell (if you know what I mean!)
I actually now know that mum is jealous of what we have. A horrible thing to say I know but it's the truth. And with people like that they'll never have your best interests at heart so I'm keeping her at a distance now-she actually started asking ds if he loved her more than me

Hope everything works out really well for you-let me know how you get on xx