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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Attitude and nastiness for going to work dinner

25 replies

whenlifegivesyoulemons15 · 04/08/2015 23:45

So once again, I have just been given an earful for "taking the pi**" staying out too late by my ex who was at mine looking after our DS. You can just imagine the tone of voice used too.

I had a work social/team bonding dinner with the girls from work tonight, it has been in the diary for over two months, I expressly checked that the date was okay before agreeing because we had to pay for our meal upfront. I explained that it would be a late one because it was a 3 course meal in London with 20 people and I would leave as soon as dessert was done (which I did)... yet I get a phone call at 10pm shouting "where are you, how are you only just leaving" and being hung up on. I then get home at 11:15pm for more abuse being told that "I knew he was ill" (which I didn't) and that from now on if I wanted to go out my DS had to stay at his which is over an hour away on the train followed by him storming out kicking the door on the way. His behaviour is disgusting and I don't know why I let it upset me but I do.

Firstly this is the only evening this whole month I am going out, any date I asked if he could look after our DS he told me no he was going away or had people visiting or had plans. He does not regularly look after our DS, just whenever it suits him, won't commit to visiting on set evenings, and refuses to have him overnight regularly e.g. every third weekend or whatever as it basically interrupts life with his new girlfriend (the OW).

Second, I BOUGHT HIM DINNER.... left it in the fridge cause I knew and said as it was a late one I didn't expect him not to eat and didn't want him getting hungry.

Why can he have a life and I cannot?

I don't want my DS to have to go to his during the week as he is only little (4) and is in full time childcare/about to start school, I don't want him having to get up ridiculously early to have to get the train back home to go to school in time. Ex refuses to sleep on my sofa, presumably the girlfriends wishes. I don't have enough money for a babysitter and no one nearby to help so basically I can NEVER go to any work events because they are all on week nights?

HOW IS THIS FAIR????

OP posts:

mummytime · 05/08/2015 00:12

Why do you not get and pay for a babysitter - not use your ex.

There is a reason he is an ex.

Tonight can't have been a school night, so why couldn't he have had a sleepover with your ex? (If he has nursery surely your ex could take him?)

goddessofsmallthings · 05/08/2015 00:15

It isn't fair but it is reality for millions of single parents.

Do you have a friend or relative who may not live nearby but who would be willing to travel and stay over on those occasions when you feel obliged to attend work events, or do you have any neighbours such as elderly ladies living alone who may be willing to babysit in return for you helping them out with shopping or some household chore they can't manage alone?

Have you looked at mumsnet local to see if there are other single parents with same age children in your area who would like to establish a babysitting club where no money changes hands?

achieve6 · 05/08/2015 00:16

It's not fair, OP, it should be okay to do this and you explained it all clearly and he agreed, he's being an arse.

category1 · 05/08/2015 00:20

Honestly, don't put yourself in the position. Save up for a babysitter. Make sure you have proper arrangements in place for your ex to see his child but separate that from your social life. Don't be reliant on someone who will use it against you.

crustsaway · 05/08/2015 00:40

Im saying the same as the others. Get a babysitter.

Atenco · 05/08/2015 01:50

Well it is totally unfair, but that is why you should be glad he is an ex. You obviously can't count on his help, so have to look elsewhere. Do you not have family or friends who could help if you can't afford a babysitter?

SolidGoldBrass · 05/08/2015 02:01

First, look into the various good suggestions about babysitters. Second inform your XP that he is no longer welcome in your house and contact will have to take place elsewhere. If he's going to tantrum like that, you shouldn't have to put up with it in your own home.
Oh, and treat him generally like a tiresome, naughty child - with any luck he will give up on contact and leave you in peace.

crustsaway · 05/08/2015 02:05

Excellent post there Solid

crustsaway · 05/08/2015 02:08

Id also add.... stop courting it!

LadyB49 · 05/08/2015 03:03

Agree with Solid and Crust. Sort it without ex.

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 05/08/2015 04:35

Why should she be lucky if he gives up contact? Why would you want that for your child? It's in the child's best interest to have a loving and supportive relationship with both parents so she should help facilitate that for the child's sake. Not be hopeful that he gives up contact.

Lots of suggestions for a babysitter but OP has already said she can't afford it. So although it might have to come to that ultimately, try to resolve things with him first. I'd suggest trying again to come to an arrangement with ex first. Why should you pay for a babysitter out of your own pocket and relieve your ex of parental responsibility completely? He might not be with you anymore but he will always have responsibilities towards his son.
Can you try again next time but this time text him in advance of any issues you might disagree over so it's there in writing? Also, I would say add 1-2 hours onto your expected return time. If you're go in be to by back by 10.30pm tell him you will aim to be back by 12.00am. Also tell him he cannot call you whilst you are out unless it's an emergency with DS. You shouldn't gave to deal with shouty calls when you're having a night out.
You do what's best for you and your DS without letting him off the hook completely and have an easy life.
If however, after trying to set ground rules he still acts like an arse, then maybe you'll have to resort to looking elsewhere for babysitting.

mummytime · 05/08/2015 07:25

The basic thing is that most for people with children - a babysitter is part of the cost of a night out. Lots of people don't have local relatives willing or able to do it for free.

Second the "normal" pattern for contact is something like every other weekend and a week night. That may well involve an overnight midweek, if it is practical. No its not "ideal" for a child to commute afterwards, but plenty of children do "commute" to nursery.
If the Ex won't agree to a regular contact pattern, complete with sleepovers - that is a different issue. But its confusing in the OP if its her not allowing her son to do overnights, or him not wanting to. And her Ex sleeping on her sofa is not an acceptable solution for anyone.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 05/08/2015 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charley50 · 05/08/2015 07:52

Make some other local single parent friends and babysit for each other. It's free and the children gets a play date thrown in.
Contact with his DS shouldn't be at your house if he does things like kick doors.

Cabrinha · 05/08/2015 07:56

Well - to be clear, he was an arse and I'm blaming him for being so nasty.

But: you told him it would be a late one. You should have agreed a time.

He hasn't said he won't have him, he said "next time it has to be at his". Perhaps from his point of view, he's an hour away from home still, stuck in someone else's house, someone who is awkward about him having overnights. Nursery commute is no big deal - an hour on the train /in car with a parent 1:1 is lovely, actually.

He's obviously a complete arse as you say 'yet again' to the verbal abuse. But it does sound like you need to stop expecting him to be reasonable and manage this better.

Get regular overnights set up, even with the commute. You're more likely to be able to swap a night occasionally then, and the good thing about a swap where he has a nursery commute, is you can manage the contact time without ever seeing him! As he drops back at nursery/school and you pick up from there.

butterflygirl15 · 05/08/2015 08:15

I agree - no more contact in your home. Your home is your sanctuary and him and his temper have no place in it. How do you think your DS would feel waking up and hearing him shout at you like he did?

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/08/2015 08:27

Definitely keep all that aggressiveness away from your home from now on. It's not good for you or your DS (or even your ex and his gf to be fair). Get a sitter from a good agency and have the occasional dummy run while you grab a coffee or go shopping if you need to build up trust with them.

Does he primarily visit your house to see him? If so, this is a good opportunity to say that it will be better for all of you if he collects him for visits from now on.

butterflygirl15 · 05/08/2015 08:33

And the affording a babysitter - does he pay the right amount of maintenance?

Ivegottogo · 05/08/2015 08:34

My ex point blank refuses to have dc when I am going out. Once I had tickets for something and when he found out on the day he said, I'm not your babysitter and refused to have them and I had to cancel at the last minute.

It costs me a fortune to go out and pay for a babysitter, taxis, drinks etc so I either stay in feeling I am missing out or suck up the costs.

It is infuriating and some ex partners manage to work it out but it seems in your case you can't rely on him and is it really worth the grief?

Tryharder · 05/08/2015 08:56

He's a cunt.

He's allowed to shag whoever but I bet my bottom dollar that he resents the possibility of you going out, enjoying yourself and - shock horror - actually meeting someone.

That's what this tantrum is about.

I agree with posters who said don't have him in your house again. He steps up and takes his son for the weekend or he calls over and collects him for the day or stays in a hotel with your son. In fact, it's really not your problem! Don't get involved. If he doesn't bother, there's your answer. You don't have to put barriers in place- far from it- just don't go out of your way.

With regard to babysitting, put a post in FB asking if anyone knows a reliable sixth former etc who fancies earning £20 - or whatever going rate is.

cleanindahouse · 05/08/2015 09:17

In my experience, you have to set the rules in this situation and then build your plans around that.
No more contact at your house. No more buying him dinner. No more trying to placate him in order to facilitate access. You can't force him to take responsibility. He's making you have full responsibility so you make the decisions.

I had this for years, i tiptoed around and bent over backwards to ensure the kids had a relationship with their dad. Eventually i got sick of it and got tough. Once he realised i wasn't taking it anymore and didn't give a shit what he did and that i didn't need him, things changed. Don't waste years getting there like i did, set boundaries now, accept that you might have no life for a while and get ready for the backlash.

Good luck. I know it's hard but you'll get there.

Ivegottogo · 05/08/2015 09:50

I found my babysitters from Gumtree.

Original poster

whenlifegivesyoulemons15 · 05/08/2015 11:28

Thank you for all your response ladies, its comforting to know I am not being unreasonable, which he really had me second guessing myself that I was by his reaction.

My sister and her partner are moving close by in a couple of months which will help, its just so unfair that he will not step up, leaving me to look for alternative options but I guess that's just the situation I'm in.

It was more just the pure outrage from him that shocked me, he said I was lying that dinner didn't finish until 10 that it could not possibly have taken that long.... 3 courses, for 20 people, in 2.5 hours; I thought that was pretty good timing.

I don't particularly want to tell him he isn't allowed in my home any more because he picks DS up from nursery once or twice a week and spends 1.5 hours with him in the evening before he goes to bed and our DS absolutley adores him and I know if I do that our DS will suffer and it would be very easy for him to slip out of his life completley.. and in all honesty I know that if I said he couldn't come to the house anymore I would get the "I'll do what I want I pay for it" rubbish (he doesn't he is referring to money he pays for DS which is sporadic and varying amounts whenever he feels like it... and he is self employed so don't really think there is much I can do about it).

OP posts:

butterflygirl15 · 05/08/2015 11:30

You can claim via CMS for maintenance if he is self employed - and really, contact should never be in your home. You need better boundaries. He cannot do what he likes at all - it is up to you to take charge here. Him walking all over you like this is showing your DS how men should treat women. Do you want him treating his future partner in such a disgraceful way, or do you want him to see you as a strong woman who deserves much better than what you are currently getting?

mummytime · 05/08/2015 11:46

This is not good for your son. Both as a role model, and that it's not good for him to see conflict between you especially in your own home.

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