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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Starting to see another side of DP - and I don't like it

44 replies

excitedbutscared · 04/08/2015 21:56

So, I've been in this relationship for 18 months or so and to be honest, was completely smitten, love struck and couldn't believe that a man this amazing could possibly be interested in me. I didn't let on I thought this and tried to play it cool etc.

I am in love with him, and believe he loves me. When we're together (every weekend because we live about 40 miles apart) he's affectionate, loving and respectful towards me - always

I don't know if I'm just suddenly starting to see it or whether he's just started showing his true colours, but he's been doing and saying some things (on social media mainly) that I really don't like

There's a particular woman, who is married, but is also into burlesque and runs various club type things to do with it, and I really think he flirts terribly with her on FB. Just comments on her status, things that aren't obviously outrageous, but could easily be read between the lines of. He has also recently put comments up that to me are vulgar. His mates are proper 'lads' and he does keep up a lad like attitude with them, which is fine. Bit childish, but doesn't bother me normally. But this time, he made a comment which included a joke including the word pussy and him attracting them like a whiskers factory. It was a joke, but nonetheless, I found it vulgar - mainly and probably because he had just made a comment on this burlesque woman's status within the same minute. I think he had been to the pub after work and was probably a little drunk.

It don't know why it has bothered me so much - I feel a little bit sick and was that cross that I switched off all social media and also my phone because I don't want him to contact me. This is the first time I have ever even come remotely close to wanting to do this.

Not sure if I'm just tired and in a really bad mood - or whether this is serious and I've seen another side to him that I really don't like. Am I overacting?

Sorry for the pettiness - just wanted to put it out there!

OP posts:

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 05/08/2015 09:28

What AnyFucker and Imperial said. He sounds awful sorry.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 05/08/2015 09:29

I have many male friends on FB and they manage not to make comments like that on there to keep up their 'friends'. Probably because they are not 12 or Jay from The Inbetweeners.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 05/08/2015 09:37

for goodness sake stop with the silent treatment and talk to him and tell him you find that sort of stuff disrespectful

Stormtreader · 05/08/2015 09:38

I have limited time for people who are offensive loudly and in public, and then apologetic quietly and in private. Their public self is how they want and choose to be seen, and that tells you a lot about who someone really is.

Jan45 · 05/08/2015 12:57

Hugely immature and hugely disrespectful towards you; and he's 42 fgs, he sounds a right knob.

Olddear · 05/08/2015 15:22

He's 42????!!!! I thought you were talking about a 21yr old!

pocketsaviour · 05/08/2015 16:12

I'm certainly no prude, but I would find this off-putting enough to de-friend someone for, so I definitely wouldn't want it in a partner.

In fact I'd probably be more disappointed that someone wasn't clever enough to put puerile statuses like that into a custom friend group of "lads" (because I do understand that peer pressure can make even grown men keep up this stupid macho façade, and they are not brave enough to break free of it) instead of leaving it in the open for the world - including one's girlfriend and colleagues - to see.

newstart15 · 05/08/2015 16:15

I also agree that you need to communicate this rather than go silent. He won't think he has pissed you off, just that you are a 'moody mare' or 'hormonal woman'.

by 42 if he acts like this then it's him...he won't change just get better at hiding it from you.

I understand your disappointment - what a letdown but it's not you, it's him

TheSnufflet · 05/08/2015 16:36

Urghhhh... does he call himself an 'alpha male' or just you? 'Lad' at the age of 42 is a massive red flag IMO

Duckdeamon · 05/08/2015 16:55

Yes, if he used the phrase "alpha male" about himself he is even more of a prize knob!

LookAtMeGo · 05/08/2015 19:05

She's perfectly entitled to not want to speak to him while she gathers her thoughts!

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/08/2015 23:30

This is not about being a prude, it's about being an intelligent, emotionally mature adult.

Plenty of people with varied and alternative sex lives don't feel the need to behave like a rutting jack russell on heat/Beavis/Butthead on social media.

Original poster

excitedbutscared · 05/08/2015 23:43

Thank you lookatmego

I was so cross and upset, I thought it the best thing to do as I wouldn't want to say things out of anger - if I did want to say things, I would want it to be how I really felt. I think that means more

Anyway, I have been busy with work and things since and haven't seen him (like I say, I don't usually until weekends) so have been mulling it over. I don't think it's worth mentioning, but do think it is worth making note. More things like this are happening and it's just upsetting because I'm starting to realise that I may not be in a relationship with a man who I thought was someone different. I adored him and wanted to impress HIM! Pfft. The reality of that is kicking in. I don't want to lower my standards and there's no point in telling him how I feel because he is who he is! He did it, and said it and I can't and wouldn't want to even try to change him. I just wish it wasn't happening. Things are so great when we're together

Feeling sorry for myself tonight

OP posts:

FishCalledWonder · 05/08/2015 23:45

Even if this joke was in no way a reflection of who he really is or his attitude to women, surely the mere cringeworthiness (real word?!?) of it would prevent you from ever having sex with this moron again. Huge and permanent turn off.

More likely, it is a reflection of exactly who he is and you should run for the hills. Sorry he didn't reveal this to you sooner.

HelenaDove · 06/08/2015 00:08

Im 42 and i see men i went to school with behaving like this on FB Its pathetic.

AnyFucker · 06/08/2015 06:43

why would you not show anger ?

why is it "not worth mentioning" ?

if you plan to stay with him (and it sounds like you do) then of course you give him the green light to carry on behaving like this, because he thinks you are not bothered by it

and if you dump him, he needs to know why

FolkGirl · 06/08/2015 07:15

Right. I unfriended someone on fb within 24 hours of accepting their friend request because of this kind ofthing.

If I wouldn't have someone as a fb friend who spoke like this, I certainly wouldn't have a relationship with one!

My exh was never like that and none of my male friends are like it.

If you are noticing worse stuff, you need to take heed of the red flags now.

Ivegottogo · 06/08/2015 07:31

Yes I have only known one FB friend like this and unfriended him because it was embarrassing and unnecessary. No one else I know does it even younger men.

Ivegottogo · 06/08/2015 07:33

Good point stormtreader about his public self.

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