Ex has cut contact with DS

[PrancingQueen]

I'm very confused as to what to do.

He was very EA to me when we were together, dumped me when I told him I was pregnant (after 3 years together) had no interest in DS until he was 3 months old (whilst moving in with OW around the same time )

But, despite living at the other end of the country now, he was skyping regularly (too bloody regularly tbh, as much as twice a day which I found intrusive, but put up with for DS's sake), he visited when he could, and obviously doted on DS.

We had a row a few weeks ago, where I shut off the Skype as he was becoming abusive, and since then he's skyped twice, the last time being a month ago.

DS is still a toddler and has never lived with him so only knew him vaguely as daddy and someone he had fun with from time to time.
Often when ex skyped DS wouldn't be interested due to his young age.

I feel so very disappointed in ex, as despite all the shit I went through with him, he did always maintain contact with DS. I always facilitated this, always. I believe a child has the right to know both parents unless they're abusive. He was never abusive to DS.

I'm feeling low generally as my mother is unwell and I'm doing more and more for her, I'm working, and DS is a typical toddler with all the usual behaviours.
As ex appears to have cut all contact, the little bit of 'me time' I'd have every few weeks will now go. (That's my selfish concern)
My friends and family are saying sod him, better he does it now, rather than when DS is 8 and more attached, but I'm concerned that DS will blame me when he's older if I don't pursue this to find out why he's suddenly dropped DS like a stone.
(Ex hasn't been run over by a bus btw, OW would let me know if there was anything wrong)

So what's the consensus Mumsnet? Should I contact ex?
Really all he's done is confirm that he's a flake and cannot be trusted - that I was wary of, but thought he was proving me wrong for once with his apparent 'commitment' to DS.
Personally I wouldn't care if I never clapped eyes on him again, but don't know if I'm doing the right thing for DS.

I would leave it down to him now, I wouldn't force it if he wants to contact him then it needs to be of his own accord. It is just difficult if he comes back wanting contact again as you have to be careful not facilitate him dipping in and out when he feels like it as it isn't fair on your ds, if he wants to maintain contact then he needs to be consistent.

So he's punishing his child who he loves so much because he had an argument with you?

You said he isn't abusive to your child, well that's not true of his recent behaviour is it? He is hurting the child. A child benefits greatly from having loving relationships in their life. His father has callously cut that relationship to an end in order to punish you.

He is now showing you what he is capable of as a father, don't ignore it.

It is not your job to pursue him to persuade him to be a father. Why on earth do you think your child would blame you for his father not bothering?

I think you are both better off without him.

I guess he doesn't pay maintenance either.

If he was abusive to you, he'd be abusive to DS at some point - even if it was "just" by showing him that it's okay to be abusive to people.

If you have family and friends in your life who he has regular, loving contact with, he will not suffer for lack of a father.

Thanks for your replies. I was thinking the same but started doubting myself.

Ex is very controlling and has a massive problem when I set boundaries (as I'd never done when we were together) and he always accused me of being controlling if my plans didn't suit him.

I was massively bullied by him when we were together, and it's taken a long time (and lots of therapy) to get back to this point where I've got my confidence back.

You've all made some very thought-provoking points.

So I think that's it now - he's shown his true colours again. The challenge will be if he tries contact again in the next few months/years, but I'll cross that bridge then.

It's not for you to do anything. Listen to him though when he does contact as there is a very small chance something explains his NC ( breakdown, bereavement, acidenrtb etc)

Yeap, my ex didn't contact our dd for two years one time because we had had an argument. I'm sure he told everyone and even himself that I wouldn't let him have contact.

I agree with your friends.

You can't make up for his inadequacies. Just concentrate on giving him one good parent.

I also think if he abused you, he abused your son.

It is easy to be torn between the premise that all children benefit from having contact with both parents (which is based in the idea that ALL parents are caring, loving and able to put their children interests first) and the reality that your ex is more than likely to be nasty or plain abusive to your child if given the opportunity.

It is heartbreaking to know your child has been rejected by his dad, it is mortifying to carry the blame (he would say that the lack of contact is your fault because you are difficult or because you won't allow contact even when you are unreasonably bending yourself over to accommodate unreasonable requests). But at the end of the day, you need to take to replace that premise in your mind that tells you that "all children benefit from having contact with both parents", for the one that tells you that "all children benefit from POSITIVE contact with both parents".

Obviously, withdrawing contact to score points on you is not positive contact but a very contrived way that he is showing you that he would be happy to kick you where it hurts the most (your child) in order to show he still has control over you.

Let him go, it is better for you and your child. His lack of contact may be a blessing in disguise.