Feeling down (long)

[Wheresmybackbonenow]

I'm really ashamed that this is my life. I think I used to be stronger than this, but I just seem to have given up. This is long, and a bit self pitying.

I'm about 32 weeks pregnant with DC3. My husband and I have always had a relationship that involves a lot of bickering, essentially because we are very different people.

I'm very upset as I write this so please bare with me.

Tonight we went shopping to pick some things up for our kids. I really could barely walk round the shop. I was so exhausted I had to keep stopping, sitting down anywhere I could, stopping to keep myself steady. I have terrible pains in my legs and every step hurts. He spent the whole time walking on ahead of me, shopping with the kids and mostly ignoring me. He asked once if I was ok, and I told him no I really wasn't. He just walked on.

We got back to the house (my mum and friend were there too) and he continued to just be horrible saying 'why don't you just go to bed' in a nasty voice making out like I was so lazy and useless. I told him no, and that I was upset by how little he'd helped me in the shop. He called me an idiot in front of my mum and my friend. I know this sounds small, but I'm so ashamed that the person I married and had kids to cares so little for me.

I tried to talk about it with him later, and he basically said he'd like to come home to someone smiling and happier. But I just feel so bad, there's nothing of me left to be smiling and happy. He certainly doesn't make me feel happy.

I've often thought I should leave him. But it would hugely lower the quality of my children's lives. I currently work four days a week in a job I love, it suits my children's school/ daycare hours and enables me to spend the summer holidays with them. I would have to find a different job, my eldest would have to leave private school and we would have to live in a much less desirable area.

We have just sold our house and made an offer on another. I feel too afraid to do anything and hate that I'm such a coward.

Do you think there's any improving this? Please go easy, I feel crap.

men should be able to experience pregnancy, sorry you are having such a bad time. What did your mum and friend think?

I couldn't ask them because I was trying not to cry, so we talked about books instead. I'm too ashamed to ask them really, and am so embarrassed we even had that 'moment' in front of them. So I think, unless they ask me about it, I will pretend it didn't happen. Or maybe apologise for it, but don't think I can face their opinions. I'm a coward all round.

Whose bright idea was it to put the house in the market while you were pg and who will be organising - as in packing up/cleaning and taking care of all of myriad jobs tasks that need doing - the move when you have a newborn to care for?

Does your h often belittle or demean you in front of family/friends/others?

Was it necessary for you to go to the shops? Couldn't he have gone on his own, or couldn't whatever it is the dc need be bought online?

How much of your strength has been dissipated by marriage to a man with whom you are not compatible?

Hearing their dps bicker incessantly must be quite unsettling for your dcs. No doubt they tune it out to some extent but, nevertheless, they'll always have an element of low-level insecurity playing in the background, so to speak.

It seems to me that the quality of your children's lives, together with that of your own, will take a flying leap upwards if you leave him. How old is your eldest and have you investigated bursaries in respect of their private school fees?

I'm so sorry - this can't be easy but you can't continue like this. Either talk or leave

Goddess, thanks. I agreed to the move, and my husband says he is taking care of that side of things. He will, and he is very good at this sort of thing. That doesn't worry me.

Yes, he does belittle me in front of friends/ family all the time. There's always a funny story that basically comes down to how crap I am at things. It took me a long time to realise this, but over the years it's just become more and more obvious and to be honest I don't go anywhere social with him because of it. He tells his funny story, I get pissed off, and then everyone things I'm stupid / incompetent and a miserable bitch.

Trainers and nappies were on the shopping list so had to be tried on / bought quickly. You're right - I didn't need to go at all. Afterwards he said I shouldn't have gone. But if I hadn't, he either wouldn't have gone himself and I would have been rushing to do it in the morning, or he would have gone and then made me feel guilty for being so lazy that I couldn't do it. He didn't say to stay at home before we left, and I had definitely told him at dinner time how unwell I felt.

Cocalite - I tried to talk. Basically he thinks I'm miserable and he wants me to be happier. I explained how tired / ill I was feeling and that I needed him to be kinder it fell on deaf ears as usual.

I'm just shocked that anyone can be so cold and nasty to the person carrying their child. Even if he doesn't care about me at all - doesn't he care about the baby? If I feel so unwell and exhausted - doesn't he wonder if the baby is ok? Obviously not, but it surprises me.

Thanks so much for your time / advice.

You are struggling at the moment and need a little bit of understanding and compassion from him. You are his wife and carrying his child!

Have you had any blood tests lately? Just wondered if you might be a bit anaemic or deficient in another vitamin or mineral.

Sounds like you need a little bit of looking after. He should be making you a nice cup of tea and asking about how you feel and why, not calling you an idiot

And regarding him belittling you regularly in front of people, this will only wear your confidence down over time. No good can come of it. I watched my mum be on the receiving end of this for years and wished that they would divorce. They did eventually but not until I had left home. Bit too late as the damage was done, both to my mums confidence and to me, witnessing that for years.

If leaving feels right for you, then do. Your children will thank you eventually.

You need to find your own "funny stories" so that as soon as he finishes his, you can say "Oh, that's like the time you xxxx yyyy! Remember how long it took to clean all the fudge off the cat! That was hilarious!".

The stories will wind down fairly quickly after that, I'd expect.