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Original poster

I wrote DP this email...was it too much?

59 replies

tinyviolin · 03/08/2015 12:54

So this weekend I got the rage. It started on Friday. I had asked dp to remove the bag of dirty clothes and pants that he has left in the living room for the past 2 weeks. Yes. 2 weeks. Got home. He's at the pub. Bag still in the living room. Claims he couldn’t come and move it because he would be late meeting his mate at the pub.

The weekend then descended into the routine of every weekend; he goes out, gets pissed, invites friends round to sleep, stays up til 3am+, wakes up the next day claiming he is too tired to do anything and needs a rest day so sits in his pants all day why I am up running around managing everything on barely any sleep because I've been kept awake all fucking night.

I cleaned the whole fucking flat inside and out this weekend. Cleaned and took the car to the garage. Sorted the shopping. Sorted all bills/paperwork. Made sure all of our house guests and 'dp' had everything they could possibly need even after being kept up til 6am on Sunday morning (I got up at 10am).

What was the sum of his efforts? He moved his bag of dirty pants from the living room into the bedroom. That's it. Couldn't even manage to take said clothes out and put them in the washing basket.

So last night when I finally went to bed the red mist descended. Why on earth am I living like a slave? Why am I letting this man get away with walking all over me? Why am I sacrificing what I want from life to pick up after a lazy man-child? I long for a weekend away! A day at a spa! A day out at the beach! Or even a day where I wake up and someone is kind enough to offer to make me a hot drink!

So, 11:30pm last night I wrote him this....

Dear DP,

Another weekend has gone by in which I feel myself going madder, growing older and becoming unhappier.

Another weekend where I spend all my time feeling like I'm your personal chef, housemaid and whore at your beckon call.

Another weekend where I have to watch you on sit your arse, unable to offer me anything other than 'when can you suck my cock' and 'what's for lunch'.

Do you fail to see how little you do to help me, or are you actually just that lazy?

I've had enough of your 'rest days' and honestly if I have to take another excuse as to why you are unable to get off your arse, step up and help I'm going to scream.

Grow the fuck up. I am done with you taking advantage of me. Don't you ever dare to tell me how much of a fucking feminist you are when all ‘wife work’ is left to me.

I'm fucking angry, if you hadn't of guessed.

..........

So yeah…did I go too far? Was I too mean? I really was pretty harsh but I had 5 years of resentment that just had to come out. It’s all got to a head lately by him telling me that he’s the biggest feminist I’ll ever meet and I can’t help but think no, you’re just a complete COCK who thinks going out drinking and hanging out with your mates trumps being a responsible adult.

Sorry in advance for the swearing!

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 03/08/2015 13:22

Not too far at all, but why do you let this go on by 'running around' and catering to him and his fucking mates?

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 03/08/2015 13:22

Made sure all of our house guests and 'dp' had everything they could possibly need even after being kept up til 6am on Sunday morning (I got up at 10am).

Why?

Your email should've finished with "we're finished". Other than that, well done for seeing the light. I doubt he will change though so where do you go from here?

Limer · 03/08/2015 13:24

Your email didn't go far enough.

Dump him and move on.

Epilepsyhelp · 03/08/2015 13:25

Oh my God OP he sounds like an utter prick. How on earth has it got to this stage? Was it like this from the start? Did you used to like waiting on him hand and foot or did you just fall into it because he expected it?

CalmYourselfTubbs · 03/08/2015 13:25

yeah i really would leave him.
i had one like this too and i left in the end.

GummyBunting · 03/08/2015 13:26

sweet balls, he sounds awful.

I agree that if you want to stay together, you need to be crystal clear about your expectations. Write out exactly how much you expect him to do around the house, life admin, couple's time etc, and then make efforts to make sure he's sticking to it.

But then who wants to be micro-managing their DH to that extent, just to ensure you get treated with respect?

You deserve soooo much more.

Original poster
tinyviolin · 03/08/2015 13:32

Hi all, yeah there's no point gummybear in trying to make him change - it's just not going to happen!

We live in a joint flat that neither of us could afford on our own. However I've been offered a new job which much more ££ so could probably manage until we find a new flatmate. Landlord wouldn't have an issue with one of us leaving and us getting a new person in.

Why have I kept with it for so long? Because we do silly things when we're young.

We'll break up. There's no going back now! It's been very cathartic getting it all out.

OP posts:
babyboomersrock · 03/08/2015 13:36

It won't make a blind bit of difference - but if writing it down helped, then fine. It's just sad that you've put up with this for 5 years.

Use your remaining energy to pack his things up and tell him to go. Then get your self-esteem to a healthier place and start living.

TendonQueen · 03/08/2015 13:36

If you don't have DC with him, the best possible thing you could do now is start putting his stuff in bin bags. Then when he gets home from work, you can say 'I know you read my email, and since you haven't come home from work early, cleaned the place up and begged for a last chance, we are now over.' You will feel a lot better when he's out of your life.

MereKaffe · 03/08/2015 13:40

tinyviolin, I get it, it's like the boiled frog analogy. the water heats slowly and it doesn't realise it because things get worse and worse gradually.

Take the new job and sort out a new place for yourself to live. Even if it's a studio flat. Just build from there. Save some money, feather your OWN nest.

x

tribpot · 03/08/2015 13:41

I'd imagine he'll realise it'll be easier for you to get a new flat-mate in the current flat (because you have a relationship with the landlord already) and so will refuse to budge. Be prepared to call his bluff and hand your notice in, it really isn't worth arguing over. There's no upside for him in being helpful and moving out quietly.

HelenaJustina · 03/08/2015 13:46

Well done you! applauds

In a way, it doesn't matter how long it has taken you to get to this point, the important thing is that you are here now and ready to move forward.

Best of luck with your new life!

wotoodoo · 03/08/2015 13:50

Congratulations op on your new job, new home, new future and new life! xx

Thank god you can move on and well done you for recognising how his appallingly disrespectful, immature and selfish behaviour was psychologically, emotionally and physically damaging you to such an extent it was killing you. .
When you need to look at the state of your relationship just think to yourself, how do I like to treated? Treat others how you like to be treated. So think about how he treats you. If he doesn't measure up then he's seriously not the right man for you.

Let him find the woman who can continue being his mother, slave and housemaid. It's not you op. You in exchange for letting him go are going to enter the best times of your life. You do not need toxic waste ruining your beautiful new life.

So excited for you op! x

spudlike1 · 03/08/2015 13:53

Well done ! The first step towards the next happy stage of your life without him ..go for it ...don't look back Smile

CalmYourselfTubbs · 03/08/2015 13:53

yes - he'll never change.
they never do.
they'd live in squalor before they'd lift a finger.

TheStoic · 03/08/2015 13:56

We'll break up. There's no going back now!

Would you? If you could?

Twingirlsrock · 03/08/2015 14:13

I agree. I too had one like this.

Ended up telling him how he should live, how he should treat me all the time.

But really I should have concentrated on ME..... Why do I let myself be treated like this, why do I spend all my time thinking about how to encourage or teach him to treat me better instead of simply saying "this isn't good enough and I deserve more and it's not making me happy" which in the end is enough and I did..... good luck to you! you will be far happier in the long run x

Lashalicious · 03/08/2015 14:15

This email is his wake up call. It may be the best thing you've ever done for your relationship and your own future wellbeing with or without him. He sounds incredibly immature and thoughtless as if he's still living the bachelor life except with a housekeeper at home. Even a roommate wouldn't stand being treated the way you've been treated. I agree with the others, decide your next steps.

DoreenLethal · 03/08/2015 14:54

Life is too short, get rid of this appendage as soon as you can. Today if possible.

eepie · 03/08/2015 15:03

Well done tinyviolin for seeing the light...you've let him carry on this way for 5 years...You resent his behavior (obviously.. because it's bad behavior and he's not giving you what you need in the relationship) but you carry on like the good wife, cleaning up after him, making sure his hungover mates have everything they need? Why are you mothering him? Quietly seething with rage but carrying on enabling him to be a lazy man-child who takes you for granted. I have recently recognised these traits in myself in 'putting up with' a man-child, but I have been enabling him to carry on being like that because I haven't walked out ! I've let him treat me like that and so have you and it has turned you into an angry person which is probably ruining your life ! Please please dump him, get your life back so you are free to breathe and be yourself again without this anger & resentment. And please read a book (I am reading right now, and so much of it rings true) called "Codependent No More" .... This will help you heal and not choose a similar partner or make similar mistakes in your next relationship. You need to start taking care of yourself and putting your needs first. Don't expect him to change or think that anything you do or say will make him change, it won't. You deserve a better man !
Just be glad you didn't marry and don't have children with this guy....if you had a baby he'd be the same and then you'd have 2 babies to look after and would carry on being drained, angry, resentful and taken for granted your whole marriage ! Hooooray you have a chance to leave now ! Amazing ! Take the job, get your life back. Don't give in to his pleas that he will change, get some space and take control of YOUR life.

eepie · 03/08/2015 15:08

Twingirls rock has hit the nail on the head -- that is what is called being codependent. The good news is that once you recognise this is how you have been living then it's relatively easy to recover....You will be the one who has seen the light not him ! I would really recommend reading that book Codependent No More so you can avoid repeating this kind of relationship again or just to help you get over this relationship ! Good luck !

NicoleWatterson · 03/08/2015 15:11

The email was almost perfect, the only bit you should have changed was the bit about him doing nothing to 'help you'. He shouldn't be 'helping you' he should be getting stuff done in the house, its not about helping each other just getting the shit done that needs to be done.

He sounds very much like my first boyfriend, I left him for a week in the hope it would change him. It didn't. I was fucking exhausted by the end of the relationship.

Just think how much easier your life will be without him, no cleaning up after him, no picking up after him, no looking after him and his mates after they've had a night out.

Beboldbestrong · 03/08/2015 15:15

Email is tame in my book! But good on you OP, would be interested to know his response (if you got one)?

rollonthesummer · 03/08/2015 15:15

He sounds like a real charmer! Do you own a house together?

Enoughalreadyyou · 03/08/2015 15:16

He hasn't replied and you haven't seen him yet?
Are you really going to tell him to leave? Hope that you do and if not today please start being more independent and look to make your own happiness. This isn't the 1950s. Why are you trying to please him and enable him?
Things don't change overnight but at least you've started in the right direction. OMG imagine if you had children.