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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex new girlfriend

44 replies

rockinrollers · 03/08/2015 09:48

sorry just needed to talk to someone and need shaking. i split up with my husband in February and we are going through the divorce procedure. The relationship had been over for a long time really but i tried to hold it together for the children despite ongoing emotional abuse and myself and the children walking on egg shells constantly.

my ex rarely sees the children unless i suggest it, doesnt instigate contact, isnt going for any type of custody as he really had no interest whilst we were a family, when he does see them he tends to rush back with them. The children dont actually like going to see him and my son has said he doesnt love his dad (without encouragement) myy daughter jumps between feeling sorry for him and missing him to having no interest. After the latest visit they told me he shouted at them for laughing and (from description) whipped my daughter with a jacket. despite me suggesting a cheap local day out to a event he took them to his friends to watch films.

Anyway cut to the chase he has a new girlfriend, im happy for him not interested in getting him back in the slightest but am battling with weird feelings that i cant explain! im concerned about him wanting to play happy families, what if she has children who would end up being step brothers/sisters etc what if he has more children? he was so useless with ours it would really hurt if he could be a good dad to other kids. im worried she will know all about me where as i know nothing about her.

i have a new partner 4 months who i am besotted with and the children have met him, they get on wonderfully and are with us 99% of the time. so do i have a right to feel like this??

please help me understand my feelings as i have no friends or family who have been in my position to ask advice from.

OP posts:
DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 03/08/2015 14:38

Erm, we know the kids have gone through a lot because you said in your OP: despite ongoing emotional abuse and myself and the children walking on egg shells constantly.

Then their parents split up - and no matter what the relationship was like, parents splitting up IS an upheaval.

It's not unreasonable for people to express that in the long term, these months may have been a time for you and the kids to heal rather than any external factors be introduced.

Hissy · 03/08/2015 14:46

the FIRST PERSON who mentioned abuse here is you love. in your OP.

You were abused, your children by association too were in that abusive environment.

Yes, being out of it will help them grow, they are stronger now you have got them out, but you have to understand that they are powerless victims here and are struggling to make sense of it all.

Your Ex sounds awful, he treats them badly and you are responsible for their safety. stop pushing for contact and see where your ex goes from there.

People are not being rude, you are defensive and not seeing how your children have suffered and might need a little more consideration and protection.

You also need to exercise caution over the new relationships as without doing the freedom programme, those who have escaped abusive relationships can find themselves right back in another one as they don't know what a safe relationship looks like.

butterflygirl15 · 03/08/2015 14:54

you sound very defensive and angry op - I wonder why that is.

We have only reflected your own words back at you. We are on your side yet you think we are attacking you.

The freedom programme has been mentioned a few times now - each time you have ignored. Anyone who leaves an abusive relationship can gain from doing it. It also prepares you for future relationships and how to avoid pitfalls. Such as leaping into a brand new full on relationship immediately - which you have clearly done.

Anyway - you know best. You are clearly stable and fine and have no issues whatsoever. Hmm

googoodolly · 03/08/2015 15:08

If his behaviour is that bad, why have you allowed your children to have unsupervised, overnight contact with him? You say he was emotionally abusive in your OP but then go on to say you're happy for your DC to spend time with him. You can't have it both ways. Either he's a nasty bully, in which case he needs supervised contact, or he's not, in which case tarring him as emotionally abusive is wrong and unfair.

But if he's a good enough parent to have his children on his own, then he gets to decide whether he introduces his new girlfriend to them. You introduced your partner, so why on earth can't he do the same?

rockinrollers · 03/08/2015 15:23

passive aggression again butterfly girl, dont need to justify my 'stability' to you. im sorry but i dont know what people want to hear. ive said im happy with the decisions ive made and did not come here to discuss that, i read on here before i introduced my boyfriend and there was varying responses but it came down to individual decisions on the right time. i didnt go looking for a relationship and im not about to put the brakes on a relationship that makes myself and my children very happy.

i do not need the freedom programme as i have dealt with things in my own way, the only thing affecting me was staying in that relationship with no love or support. i was young when i entered my previous relationship and have gone into this one eyes wide open.

i will keep an eye out and if my children tell me things that could relate to abuse i will take necessary steps as would any parent.

goo goo dolly, i never mentioned overnight contact... he had them for 3 hours tops. he was emotionally abusive with me not the children and his moods and snappiness meant we walked on egg shells as to not upset him. i have also never mentioned about him not being able to introduce to his new girlfriend just that i cant understand my feelings...

OP posts:
googoodolly · 03/08/2015 15:29

Sorry, I assumed contact was overnight.

I think your feelings are natural, it's hard knowing there'll be another influential adult in your DC's lives. But if you trust him alone with your children (for three hours or two weeks, it's irrelevant), then you need to let him decide for himself when to introduce her (and any other future partners he may have).

Don't let your feelings towards him have any impact on your children's relationship with him. I think you need to try your best to just be practical - think along the lines of: DC deserve a relationship with their dad, so I will do my best to accommodate that. So long as they are not being harmed, they can see their dad and as an equal parent, he can introduce them to partners just as I can do the same.

Good luck, it's tough (I'm on the other side, the new partner to a man with DC's) but you just need to focus on the children.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 03/08/2015 15:32

Not getting at you, but read that back: he was emotionally abusive with me not the children and his moods and snappiness meant we walked on egg shells as to not upset him

handfulofcottonbuds · 03/08/2015 15:34

I don't see that posters have been nasty on here. I see women who have experience and are reading your OP with some concern.

You wanted advice on your feelings of potential jealousy over a new GF but we see that you have moved on very quickly and become besotted with your new BF after such little time. I get that it's probably none of our business but it feels very uncomfortable reading what you have written and the potential way it could be impacting on your DCs.

You also mention abuse - we didn't, that is worrying. You may have dealt with it in your own way but have your DCs? It can be so damaging to DCs to witness EA and then have their parents break up.

Please don't be blinkered. They will want you to be happy but you can do that so much better by not letting another man and his DCs get so close and spend 99% of the time with you when you have recently had a nasty split from their Father.

butterflygirl15 · 03/08/2015 15:45

Not passive aggressive at all. Anyway - I'm out. Only trying to help and you are just plain rude and quite frankly very mean. I wish you luck - I fear you will need it.

newstart15 · 03/08/2015 15:50

Horsewalkintoabar gave fantastic advice and as someone with a similar background I can relate to it.

Sometimes we feel we are healed but it's only years later when we can look back do we realise that it took longer than we thought.

I married young but didn't feel it at the time but only now can I see that. The same is happening for you with this new relationship but only time will show that. My step daughters mum moved onto a new man quickly and she was 'fine' with it but mostly because she could not articulate & process the emotions.Now that she is older she can and she regrets that her mum didn't spend time alone.

The comments you are getting are from people's experience but without the emotional attachment and closeness to the situation that you have.Advice from experts is also that parents should wait at least 6-12 months before introducing new partners.Children need to heal after their parents split and if you feel jealousy for an that ex that you can't explain can you imagine the range of emotions that your dc will be feeling - Insecurity, sadness, jealousy of a new partner, fear for the future etc

rockinrollers · 03/08/2015 15:57

ive been accused of being unstable so how is that not nasty...'You are clearly stable and fine and have no issues whatsoever' manipulating and emotionally blackmailing children. erm...

i'm leaving this thread now, thank you for the replies from those of you that intended to be helpful some of you were. i came on here not feeling upset just struggling with understanding how i felt. now i feel like crap.

downwiththistypeofthing...i know what i wrote and that is why i left him, i cannot stop contact with the children based on what i have mentioned above it is not that simple. i can however not instigate it or just hope he doesnt ask which is likely. i always wanted to be the parents that could be amicable in our split and we are managing that, how can i stop contact based on the children walking on egg shells, please someone tell me the answer to that one???

my new partner does not have children

OP posts:
rockinrollers · 03/08/2015 16:13

thankyou newstart15 that was a lovely post and i will take that advice on board, unfortunately i cannot turn back time. i do make sure i spend plenty of quality time with my children on their own and am off work all next week having quality time without my boyfriend.

there is so much more to my life and situation that isnt described in my short post! the reason ive not covered everything is ive given information that related to the help i was asking for. sorry if i got this wrong.

i have family and friends in real life who have advised me on everyting else including the right time to introduce children to new boyfriends. i just wanted to ask about my feelings here in private as felt embarrassed asking my real life friends.
i dont mean to be rude butterflygirl but you have been offensive in all of your messages -' i fear you will need it' yet again another comment that isnt helpful.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 03/08/2015 18:12

Op, you are recently out of a marriage where you were unhappy, and having now found someone who makes you happy the last thing you want to hear from people is that what you're doing is wrong.

Truth is that it's normal to feel something when your partner moves on, more so if you were the one who ended it, because on a weird level, if you ended it then his feelings hadn't changed, and his moving on is an indicator that they have. Added to that it's difficult to imagine another woman playing a parenting role in your dc's lives, something which is likely if they stay together, and furthermore the feelings of another woman being the mother to your dc's future siblings.

But ultimately these were the choices you made when you ended the relationship. The choice to let him go, and the choice to potentially let him be free to have children with someone else. You can't be jealous now that he is moving on in a way which you would surely have wanted given you ended the relationship?

Wrt your introduction of your bf to your children, people will comment based on their own opinions of what they feel is right or wrong. Truth is that there's no set answer really, but what I would say is, introducing a new partner to the children very early on carries significant risks, because when you are in the first throws of romance you are living for the moment, and after four months you really have no idea whether this is a relationship which will work or not, and if it doesn't then the children stand to get hurt again.

My ds was introduced to my dp early on not because that was what I wanted but because my xh threatened that if I didn't tell ds I was seeing someone then he would, so he left me no choice. I had planned their introduction months down the line, actually I hadn't planned it at all and we had planned to spend time together which coincided with ds not being there months down the line iyswim. I was lucky, my ds and dp got on extremely well from the outset, and just over two years on we are engaged although we don't live together as yet. However, at that beginning stage there were absolutely no guarantees, and had the relationship not worked out my ds would have been hurt by being introduced to someone else who he had become attached to and then having to break that attachment iyswim.

What's done is done now and you can't un-introduce the dc, but I would certainly ensure that there is time for just the three of you to spend together without your bf, especially as they're still so young, and also if things don't work out with your bf it will be easier to fade him away out of the dc's lives if he doesn't spend all your time together, iyswim.

Obviously that doesn't have to be the plan for ever, but this is a new relationship for all of you, and while you can take things as fast as you like the dc are young and live for the moment. They won't be seeing into the future right now.

My xh started seeing someone at around the same time as me and introduced her slightly later on. But she has a dd, and within eighteen months they were engaged and she is now pregnant. My ds has found that transition much, much harder because the moving on hasn't just included another woman but another child and now a half sibling (ds has been an only child for nearly thirteen years). In the beginning he seemed fine with their relationship but as time has gone on he's become more unsure, and as he enters teenage years I am aware that he could still have reservations about mine and dp's relationship e.g. when we get to the point of living together because children take these things on as they're faced with them. So just because the dc are happy now don't become complacent and take it as read that this is the future

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 03/08/2015 18:50

downwiththistypeofthing...i know what i wrote and that is why i left him, i cannot stop contact with the children based on what i have mentioned above it is not that simple. i can however not instigate it or just hope he doesnt ask which is likely. i always wanted to be the parents that could be amicable in our split and we are managing that, how can i stop contact based on the children walking on egg shells, please someone tell me the answer to that one???

I'm not talking about refusing access.

I'm talking about you recognising that your children have lived through what you termed an abusive relationship and on one hand you say your husband was only EA to you, then you go on to say we were all walking on eggshells. They were obviously affected by it! You're feeling funny about your ex and his new relationship even though you were unhappy - why on earth wouldn't the children feel the same?

When people have suggested your children might have benefitted from you waiting until you started a relationship where you're spending 99% of your time with a new partner within 2 months of your abusive marriage ending, they're not saying it to be nasty, but because time and time again, women who leave abusive relationships are vulnerable and fall into the exact same relationship because they haven't healed. When children are in the equation too, people will obviously feel strongly.

Hissy · 03/08/2015 19:41

A bloke you know 8 weeks is not a partner love, boyfriend at most.

If you have been abused, you need to know that the damage that is done to you and your children doesn't go away on its own.

The reasons why we fall into abusive relationships is often as a result of our upbringing.

Your family are telling you what is what and for all you know, they conditioned you into getting abused in the first place.

You don't know better than any other abuse victim.

Bruises heal, emotional abuse does not, not without a shot load of self awareness work, counselling and space.

You just don't have that capacity in your life to recover, you also don't know the guy you are with. You are at risk, so are your kids.

You MIGHT not be lining up another abusers, but that would be from sheer lottery winner luck, not by judgement.

I do wish you luck as much luck as there is in the world, because I do care about a fellow abuse victim, I do care about a used children.

You will need all the luck and more. Please accept this in the spirit in which it's meant.

I'm not attacking you.

horsewalksintoabar · 04/08/2015 08:52

The thing about your situation rockinrollers is that you are the one living it and learning through it. I find the comments here really harsh. No need for you to be dragged through a hedge backwards. Goodness, you're only trying to do the best you can with the cards you've got. And as for your kids, they've got your love, your dedication and that will see them through. I think the thing about your new relationship is to keep in mind that this gent is a new person (still) and kids need to not feel replaced by the new partner (which I don't feel is happening here at all. In fact, everyone seems happy, you, new partner, and the kids, so hey, who are we to point fingers?). Maybe seeing you happy and taken care of emotionally by someone makes the kids feel happier for you. This is tough for kids because what comes with divorce is bags of hidden guilt and the need to take on the role of carer for mum. This can be damaging because, while it's good for children to learn to care for others at a young age, you don't want it to be a burden. So perhaps they see your new partner as a stable force. This is a good thing! You all need stability and confidence as you lay down roots in your new patch. Divorce is damaging. Bad marriages are damaging. Kids do get damaged by this stuff. There's not a whole lot we can do to avoid that. But life is damaging. The thing you just need to focus on now is creating a loving, stable environment for your kids and they will be fine! Believe me, they will. But that's the hardest part is that knowing that your situation is a bit unstable for the time being as you all adjust to a different life, a life without your kids' dad in it full time (and by the sounds of it, this doesn't seem like a terrible thing to have him out of the immediate, every day picture). Your children will heal. Be there for them, as you are. Keep in mind that it's a bumpy road you're on. It will level out. And the kids will heal. So will you.
The jealous feelings are totally normal. Your ex's new GF hasn't seen 'the dark side' yet. Grin It's your ego talking. We ALL have one so of course, we get prickly about these things.... in the short-term. But that too passes and there will be a time when what your ex does just doesn't even cross your mind. As your kids move away from early childhood and into their pre-teens, you'll probably give your ex and your previous marriage very, very little thought. But what you're feeling now with the new GF is totally normal. It really is a case of "What does she have that I don't?". The new GF will be gone a couple of years from now... or maybe not. But what will fade are these odd feelings. I remember them so well. It use to bug the heck out of me. I didn't want to be with my ex, but it was hard to see him move on. It's just one of those feelings and in a way, it's a good feeling because it proves that your marriage did matter, that it was, flaws and all, worth it. It's painful, even in its subtle way. Underneath the relief of divorce is a lot of pain, a lot of 'could have, should have, would have'. Try not to dwell on regret. Look at where you are standing now, put your best foot forward, truly... put your good foot down and create a stable, loving environment for your kids and for YOU. My son and I lived in a cramped, teeny, 1/2 bedroom flat. But we made it our sanctuary. And oddly enough, I have very happy memories from that time. We made it our castle, our home. Behind those walls, there was peace, happiness, love. You can make any environment a haven if you put your heart into it. So work on that... try not to dwell too much on the past and what ex failed at, what he did wrong, where you went wrong, etc. It doesn't matter now. It's done. It's behind you. Be in charge of your life and when thoughts of your ex and his GF come into your head, throw those thoughts in the bin and make the most of where you're at now. Good luck!! I know you're road. It's a tough one, but it will get better. And life will be far more enjoyable than it was in your marriage. Be patient and time will be there to help you grow through this and come out the other side a better person.

rockinrollers · 04/08/2015 11:15

Thank you Horsewalksintoabar i really appreciate your messages and understanding of what i was asking. i only found out about the girlfriend on Saturday, i was told quite bluntly so was just processing my feelings, i had a cry last night and feel much clearer now. Im making sure my children are a priority and will address any concerns as they come up. My children seem extremely happy with things at the moment and discuss openly their feelings with me and with my family when i'm not there. xx

OP posts:
Hissy · 04/08/2015 19:20

I too think it's normal to mourn the relationship.

My ex may have had relationships, but I have no idea, not desire to know.

Mine was abusive, torturously so, but I will confess to a twing in the chest region when I suspected there might be someone.

Take your new relationship slowly, for all of your sales, let your ex make his mistakes and eye roll if he's blunt. He never cared for your feelings before, why would he start now?

The priority is the kids here, nothing more important than them. Look after yourself too, you've been through a lot, whether you recognise it or not, and it doesn't heal by itself.

Watch your family doesn't boss you about too much, make sure you are with those that make you feel good about yourself, not those who bring you down. Be strong.

All the best.

Hissy · 04/08/2015 19:20

Sakes not sales

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