I don't think I can cope with another relationship breaking up, please help me

[RuralSleepless]

Please please help me cope with yet another devastating relationship break up. I don't know if I can cope again. After my 3rd completely sleepless night over this relationship (in 1 year) I think I've had enough. I'm absolutely terrified that at 41 I am destined to be unhappily single for the rest of my life.

I've had two failed marriages, 2 fairly significant relationships in between and now this one about to come to an end.

All I want to do now is meet the right guy to spend my life with.
There always seems to be something.

I've got everything else I could want in life - good looks, a lovely home, lovely dc, a great job, friends and supportive family. I never seem to meet a decent man who is suitable though..........
Anyway, I think tomorrow I need to tell him I can't go on as we are and I'm going to be absolutely devastated. I really really fell for this guy but this relationship is just making me feel so insecure. He hasn't really got time for me and doesn't know what will happen in the future and at this age I think I want and deserve more. This is despite him telling me he really really likes me and isn't going anywhere!! Yesterday I messaged him to ask him about meeting today (which he suggested) and he didn't even read the message for 12 hours (in the day). He sent me a few brief messages, said he was going to bed and was still on Whatsapp an hour later. He won't use Whatsapp with me as he says he uses that to message family?? I'm so upset about that but I don't actually know why. I shouldn't even be getting upset over ridiculous stuff like this.

I know I'm going to be so upset and I'm not sure I can cope with going through this again. Please help me.

He does sound like a wrong 'un OP.

Set yourself free from the stress/unhappiness. Maybe look into the freedom programme often suggested on here (I say this because it sounds like you think you need a man to be happy and have gotten into a negative cycle).

Wishing you all the best. You have everything else in place to lead a great life...

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you know you are doing the right thing. He is not kind to you, and longer term he won't give you what you want.

Honest- it's not you - it's him! I have felt like your- I am 49 now also 2 DCs and single- but although I do feel sad sometimes, I also feel blessed that I am not stuck with someone who's not good to me.

Read www.baggagereclaim.co.uk
Natalie speaks a lot of sense. It was a revelation to me to finally understand why I was attracted to emotionally unavailable men. Look up this term on her site- it's really illuminating. She also wrote a book called Mr Unavailable and the fallback girl. Totally useful!

Take heart - you're doing the right thing, you will be fine

Stay strong and tell him what is causing you to feel this way. You will feel better just by exorcising the angst. I hope it goes well for you. 41 is no age at all, I have socks under my bed that are older than that!

Oh thank you for your replies, they really meant a lot at the moment. I'm beyond coping and just knowing someone is there reading is a help.
He is the wrong person isn't he, I just want to meet someone who doesn't treat me like shit. I'm an absolute door mat when I like a man.
I've got a week alone (apart from work) so I think will hold it together for work yet again and sit on my floor and cry for the week.

I can't face being alone again but I can't do this anymore.
I just need you lovely MNers to be here for me please.

Yes, I'm going to tell him later on today and I know what he's going to say. He'll say if I'm not happy, he'll understand if I end it even though he won't like it!! I'm due to have some counselling sessions from the end of August but just need to cope.

Bleakhouse - you made me smile for a very brief moment.
I can't go on like this or I'll look like shit from lack of sleep for the rest of my life.

Yes, he's the wrong person for you - sounds a bit selfish. Sometimes we fall for people cos we're ready to fall for them, we can get over invested even though they're not good for us- just cos the situation is one we want.

So don't undersell yourself and DO stay strong. I heard a good quote once: "don't make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option". Sounds good to me

Thank you Squeegle, yes, I am just an option for him.

It will never ever ever be what I want.

Thank you for being here at this time in the morning for me.

And yes, he is extremely selfish.

When you go for your counselling, think about exploring that statement of yours above, 'I can't face being alone again' and what you mean by that and why.

You have DC, family, friends, colleagues. Yet you feel alone without a man? I think right there is something significant to work on.

You could probably do with putting all that effort into yourself for a while.

No probs! Woke up early thinking of all I have to sort out for work and hols this week. I would rather be asleep, but you know how it is. Mumsnet draws you in and then you're wide awake. Still, get up soon and get everything sorted nice and early!

That really is one of the issues, why can't I face being on my own?
I was on my own for 2 years when my ds was a baby and was actually quite content as I thought I was 'used goods' by then and wouldn't meet anyone else. Then I discovered that a lot of men were actually interested in me (none of whom I was attracted to except for the emotionally unavailable ones).
I'm terrified of being without a man now although I'm not willing to be with just any man.

Rural, try looking inside for validation, rather than getting it from someone else. Think about yourself for a while, how you feel, what you enjoy doing, what you don't enjoy, other people can complete us, but they are not responsible for our happiness.

You will find someone, but as the cliche goes, it will be when you aren't really looking.

Thank you. I'm really having a wobble. Trying to get ready for work on no sleep. I'm very scared how I'll cope today.

You will manage somehow, drink lots of coffee, eat donuts - one day won't hurt.

I dated a similar man once, though not for as long, even down to the 'whatsapp is for family'. I made lots of excuses for his non-responsiveness, but in the end it was cause he didn't value me. You are doing the right thing.

You're right that you need to ditch this man who treats you so poorly.

I do think from what you've said though that you place far too much importance on getting and keeping a man in your life. Yes, a fulfilling relationship is a wonderful thing, but you can't force it to happen and having had five serious relationships I really think you need to step back, get some therapy for your insecurities to work out why you want to commit to men who are wrong-uns, and develop the other areas of your life. Aim to be comfortable on your own so that finding a new man isn't the most important thing. Learn the warning signs to look out for. Don't get in too deep too quickly. Being alone needn't be lonely and you sound like you have a great support system, so use it.

I'm an absolute door mat when I like a man.
I can't face being alone again but I can't do this anymore.

Those two statements are very honest and they're things you really need to address before you get into another relationship. Being a doormat will ensure that you continue to attract the wrong kind of man and being afraid to be on your own with ensure you throw yourself at the first man who comes waltzing along. You need to break this cycle now.

It's a bit apocalyptic to refer to "failed relationships" as if every one ought to go the distance if only you were something-or-other different. Life is full of passing acquaintances, some of whom may become friends for a while, some lovers. Some of them are worth holding onto for life, others you'll drift apart from. Not every pairing that gets past the first few dates is destined to be for ever. So when you ask yourself why your serious relationships never last, perhaps you're looking at it from the wrong perspective. Why do you keep taking so seriously relationships that were never going to last? (Well, obviously, sometimes because you don't know they're not, the other party may change etc. See drifting apart comment above!)

You're clearly very invested in this one, not just because you care about the bloke as a person but because of what he represents. It's a false investment though. His behaviour screams out "casual" whilst you're looking for a life partner. Hence he is not "the one", not at your respective stages anyway. The only thing he's doing wrong is stringing you along a bit, unless it's you reading too much into what he's saying. No doubt he does really, really like you but only in the box he pops you into when he's finished playing, not an integral part of his life. He's perfectly satisfied with things how they are but you want more. Neither of you are wrong to want what you want. But you are both wrong if you expect the other one to just fall in with your agenda.

Why are you 'terrified of being without a man?'

I think it's a fear of being unloved by anyone.

I didn't have a lot as a child so am desperate to be loved now.

I'm an absolute door mat when I like a man.

That's because you genuinely believe this statement I'm terrified of being without a man

You sound utterly desperate. You are making it very easy for the wrong kind of person to worm their way in to your affections and mightily take the piss.

I would set yourself the challenge of no dating for a year. Learn to enjoy your life and appreciate what you have. You really need to get yourself out of this kind of mindset - it's incredibly unhealthy and unhelpful.

Seems to me you've got plenty of love in your life ...

I've got everything else I could want in life - good looks, a lovely home, lovely dc, a great job, friends and supportive family

Having a bloke isn't the be all and end all. Especially ones that cause you all the pain and angst as you've apparently experienced/are experiencing. No disrespect OP but your desperation is what is causing you to engage in so many unsuitable relationships.

Might I suggest you stop telling yourself you are 'terrified' of being without a bloke, and start focusing on all the wonderful things you already have in your life.

Just so you know op - I didn't either, had a horrible childhood and felt many similar feelings.
I married an amazing man, he loves me absolutely, he's kind, he's respectful, he's a hard worker etc etc.
Made no difference. Because you cannot fill up that space from outside. I would be prepared to put money on what would happen if you walked into a relationship with your perfect man tomorrow - he will never love you enough. Even if he loved you completely.
External validation and replacing unconditional parental love, and the effect that has on your self worth and innate knowledge you are loving and loveable, with romantic love will never make you feel whole and better because you're trying to replace a missing Apple with an Orange. It works for a bit, the rush of new feeling, but as it matures it can't fill a space that's not it's own so you start to need more reassurance and that way madness lies.
If you could mix and match then why wouldn't the unconditional love of and from your children have done it?
It's not love you need, not from a man, not from The Man.

You are worth a fulfilling, respectful, loving, trusting and nurturing equal relationship. You deserve to be someone's most important person.
But as a lover, adult love, not as a child seeking approval.
If you tie your worth and identity up in the conditional love of a partner then if that relationship ends then you are ended. There should be no other person who has the power to destroy who you are or the responsibility of keeping you whole and healthy.

I hope you find counselling very helpful. In the mean time I would echo suggestions you finish this lacking relationship and then nurture yourself. Accepting the past can be very difficult and painful with a lot of questions you can never answer, it's not nearly as difficult and painful as what will happen if you do find a man keen to be your source of approval, glad recipient of your desperation to please and judge of your worthiness because that man will not be a good man and by the time it is too clear to deny he'll own you.
But you're kicking this one into touch even though you know how it will make you feel - you've got a lot to offer, you are insightful and aware of things you want to work on and you are not going to settle for less than you deserve...that's more than many can bring to the table!

Thank you for that, that was really really helpful. You are absolutely right, I need to look inside me not outside me. I really got that.