Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Husband pretended to throw dead bird at me. Am I overeacting?

53 replies

Peterspan · 02/08/2015 12:59

Yesterday I was sitting on the sofa eating lunch. There was a dead bird under the trampoline in the garden that had been there for a couple of days and the cat was playing with it. Husband went and fetched it and wrapped it up in newspaper to throw in the bin. As he came back indoors, for a ‘joke’ he pretended to chuck it into my lap. I almost jumped out of my skin and my heart nearly stopped as I'm a bit squeamish at dead/rotten things. He just laughed. I am 21 weeks pregnant so I feel a bit more vunerable as well I suppose.
I followed him into the kitchen and said that it definitely wasn’t funny, it really frightened me. He halfheartedly said sorry but that it was a ‘joke’ and said I was over reacting. I started to cry. Maybe I'm a bit hormonal but I was very upset.

The day before he made a ‘joke’ to his friend infront of me that it had ‘all gone’ down there. By this he meant that my vagina has become saggy due to my age and having 2 children. If he’s happy to make ‘jokes’ like this infront of me, God knows what he says when I’m not there. I laughed along at the time because I didn't want to seem like a prude but afterwards I brought it up with him but yet again he said it was just a joke and I was overeacting. I have never, ever heard any of my friends husbands or partners ‘joke’ about them like this. If I did hear them say anything like this I would think that they were a knob but maybe I've just got a crap sense of humour?
My question is, am I overeacting? Am I just a drama queen? Should I just toughen up and get a grip? Obviously there's alot more history but these are the two latest incidents and I'd really appreciate some honest opinions.
I came very close to ending the 10 year marriage last year. I had felt very unhappy and unloved for a very long time. I got as far as getting advice from a solicitor and moving into separate bedrooms but husband talked me out of it.

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 02/08/2015 14:59

I suppose he thought your initiative to separate last year was over reacting, too? Please don't let him define your feelings for you. You feel what you feel. That is your truth. Apparently his truth is that he is a bully and you are an easy target. If you can not convince him this is not going to be tolerated any longer, then please consider getting away from him.

leadcrow · 02/08/2015 15:04

I'm really suprised at theuxed responses from women about the dead bird thing.

It's not about whether or not it bothers you as a bystander, it's about OP. Her husband knows she's bothered by dead things and yet he threatened to throw a dead thing at her. That's not funny.

If your child was scared of clowns and your partner put a big stuffed clown in their room as a joke would that be funny? No.

This is personal and subjective. OP - if you felt it was inappropriate, then it was inappropriate. Full stop.

Also that "joke" about your vagina. Unless everyone laughs it's not a joke. It's rude, humiliating and inappropriate.

If I were in your situation I would ale time and space and tell your husband you want to sit down and have a serious conversation. Tell him you do not find his jokes funny, you find them hurtful, demeaning and upsetting. His response will most likely be "I didn't mean to" or "you're overreacting" but remember, no one can argue with a feeling...consistently go back to "I know you meant it as a joke but you have hurt my feelings" or "you might think this is an overreaction, but you have hurt my feelings". Then make it very clear that you want this behaviour to stop.

A long time ago before even my first pregnancy my husband and I were ok but still had some issues to iron out and found couples counselling really useful...if he still refuses to listen to you or acknowledge your feelings maybe tell him you'd like to try couples counselling.

TRexingInAsda · 02/08/2015 15:06

The bird thing I wouldn't like when pregnant - it's never, ever funny to be pregnant and someone pretends to throw something at your bump, I'd have been royally fucked off at that tbh. You do feel vulnerable when pg, because you are. He should be supporting you not being even more of a twat than usual.

He sounds like a real knob in general, with the 'joke' about your vagina and that being par for the course for him. How on earth did he convince you to stay with him and get pregnant again?! This must be the worlds most convincing douchebag.

BoxOfKittens · 02/08/2015 15:08

The bird is just silly and yes, I think you overreacted.

However, mentioning your vagina in any way to his friends is not ok, be that as a derogatory joke or serious compliment!

BoxOfKittens · 02/08/2015 15:11

...Although, having said that, in speaking as someone who KNOWS that my partner would not throw something at me. If you don't know this of him and it seems feasible that he would throw a dead bird at you... Well, that's different.

ButterfliesnWaterfalls · 02/08/2015 15:37

I don't think you are over reacting. And no, most husbands don't disrespect their wife in front of their friends/family. It's wrong of him to humiliate you in such a way, especially considering you are pregnant and hormonal.

Have a word with him, talk to him about his behaviour and then gauge his reaction and what he says. If he isn't bothered and tells you you are being a drama queen, and doesn't acknowledge your feelings then you should seriously re consider spending some time apart.
That's what I would do anyway.

YesICanHearYouClemFandango · 02/08/2015 16:12

BoxOfKittens I think you've nailed why some posters on this thread think the OP overreacted to the dead bird thing and that it's just silly behaviour. If you know your partner would never do something like that then maybe you would see it as a bit of a joke. If, however, your partner is a twat who routinely humiliates you and trivialises your feelings (and who knows what else he does - he sounds a bit unpredictable and he certainly doesn't seem to know when to stop) - that's something different, as you say.

HelloNewman · 02/08/2015 16:31

The bird thing was something a silly teen would do. You may have over reacted, but really, he needs to grow up.

The comment about your vagina however, is completely unforgivable. My husband would never say something like this in a million years.

Muldjewangk · 02/08/2015 16:42

He couldn't let you relax and eat your lunch, he is an annoying twat. Making jokes at your expense, even worse when you are carrying his baby is way out of line. Imagine a lifetime of his humour, seems a life sentence to me.

SrAssumpta · 02/08/2015 16:52

The bird thing would disgust me but I probably wouldn't think about it much after, the vagina comment though I'd be appalled and really upset! To say that in front of someone jeez I don't know any man who would do that and I know an awful lot of immature, "messer" types.

LuluJakey1 · 02/08/2015 17:28

I wouldn't have laughed at either.

I really can not think what I would have done if DH had made that remark about me. I don't know that I could get past it.

He sounds very insensitive and thoughtless.

trackrBird · 02/08/2015 17:50

I'm a bit squeamish at dead/rotten things. He just laughed.

I don't think you're over reacting, especially in those circumstances. I would read someone the riot act if they did it that to me and laughed.

The other remarks are not jokes, and not funny. I'm sorry you have to ask if your disappointment makes you a drama queen. It doesn't. If you are unhappy, I can see why.

moopymoodle · 02/08/2015 17:56

The bird thing Is a bit of fun, however no wonder your upset and on edge given what he said about your lady parts. How disgusting and insulting. I'd be furious!

Lovelydiscusfish · 02/08/2015 18:03

I'm with others - the bird thing I wouldn't find too bad myself as an isolated incident (but that's from a standpoint of not being particularly squeamish, and trusting dh not to actually throw it at me). And I do know a number of people, male and female, who find "jokes" like this funny (and plenty of others who find them childish and annoying).
But the vagina comment is absolutely horrible, and totally unacceptable in any circumstances.

spudlike1 · 02/08/2015 18:05

Horrible revolting man ...end

Gabilan · 02/08/2015 19:12

If anyone made that comment about my vagina they'd never be seeing it again. It's deeply misogynistic and I wonder about him and his friends if the and they think such comments are remotely acceptable.

Generally I'm not a fan of saying LTB because of one comment alone but if it were me, I wouldn't be able to get past that, because of what I believe it reveals about him.

CocktailQueen · 02/08/2015 21:27

What everyone else has said! The vagina comment was completely unacceptable and just horrible. How would your h feel if you said something about him having a chipolata dick and you didn't know when he was inside you, or something equally nasty?

No wonder you're unhappy with him, op. Hugs.

spudlike1 · 03/08/2015 08:45

I would refuse to have sex with him ever again

CalleighDoodle · 03/08/2015 08:55

Bird thing alone is an over reaction. And why was it left there a couple of days?!

BUT with everything else he sounds like an unpleasant man.

ShortandSweeter · 03/08/2015 09:04

Bad jokes all round, but yes, I think you're overreacting.

Finola1step · 03/08/2015 09:12

The bird thing was stupid. A joke on his part maybe, but stupid nonetheless.

The comment to his mate about you is downright disrespectful. And you are right, if he says this in your presence, what on earth does he say when you are not there?

The man is a dick, plain and simple. But you knew that last year. For me, the personal comment would be the deal breaker. The stupid bird thing would be confirmation that a deal breaker has indeed been reached. Sorry

spudlike1 · 03/08/2015 09:18

Both words and actions speak volumes about his lack of respect for you ...I'm sorry ..
good luck

Isetan · 03/08/2015 09:33

He doesn't respect you and when comments are repeatedly made at your expense, they arent jokes but verbal expressions of contempt. Laughing at his nastiness doesn't demonstrate not being a prude but a sad resignation to his contempt.

Please tell me a turkey baster was responsible for conception because I can't imagine anything worse than having this horrible man anywhere near you.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/08/2015 10:11

Your partner is abusive. He won't change and won't improve because he enjoys upsetting you. It makes him feel like the big man if he can get a laugh at your expense.
Get rid.

MrsJorahMormont · 03/08/2015 19:05

Flogging I don't need any sympathy over the company I keep because while the men I know may find it hilarious to pretend to fling a spider etc they a) know I am squeamish not petrified and b) wouldn't actually throw the fecking thing unless they wanted a kick in the crotch. Judging by the responses on this thread this kind of 'humour' isn't that unusual.

The difference as someone identified up thread is that the OP has a real horror of the bird (I would have too, dead birds are creepy) and more importantly is married to a twat with no boundaries who might be enough of a cunt to actually throw it.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread