Trying to be amicable

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I made my husband leave - and all in all he has made it easy - signed out of the tenancy and using separate finances (although he didn't see anything wrong in starting an overdraft in our names without asking. But that's sorted.)

And I am happier and stronger and coping really well on my own. Yay me.

But when I see him, every little thing he does and says now irritates the hell out of me. It annoyed me that he was standing in my kitchen, talking at me.

We're supposed to be going for an amicable relationship and I don't want to be bitter and resentful. I go over the reasons we split a lot in my head. Is it just normal and I'll get over it in time or do I need to get a better hold on myself? I don't want to make things nasty between us. It's been a month.

What you're experiencing is a normal reaction to seeing him as he truly is rather than the man you once believed him to be and this is heightened by your growing awareness of your capability in contrast to his ineptness - yay you, indeed .

It's probable you'll continue to be irritated by the sight and and sound of him for some considerable time to come but, as the years progress, you'll find yourself laughing about some or all of his traits.

In order to keep it harmonious, you're best advised to keep any time he spends in your kitchen/home to the absolute minimum and move towards conducting your conversations with him by email as this will provide less opportunity for argument when/if you petition for divorce.

You need to do some self CBT. It is quite easy, might even be fun, a bit like that IL bingo game you read about round these parts.

As he stand there, in your kitchen, talking at you don't think "Aaaaaargh I hate this make it sop you irritating little man" instead think "Oh yes, thank you for helping me remember why I split us up. Soon I will no longer have to put up with this" and smile

Every time you slip into remembering how shit it was and wondering why you put up with it remember - that is why you are now stronger and happier

If he finds another stupidity to enact, like the overdraft, don't get angry, get vocal. Tell him it is twattish things like that that caused the split. He did, his actions.

And when you have had more than enough ask yourself, who said you had to be amicable? Does that mean you have to tie yourself in knots putting up with him? Or can you tell him to stop pissing around, to grow up?

Best of all tell yourself that it is almost inevitable he will have to find himself another woman, quickly. As he probably cannot cope alone (I am guessing because of the overdraft thing). You, on the other hand, are stronger and happier and will not need to rush into anything. You are getting stronger, happier, is he? You are better off in all ways.

Yay you indeed.

Remember that being 'amicable' (if that would make things easier for you) doesn't mean being bosom buddies - only being reasonably polite. If you manage to disengage more and more as suggested, that would help.

How much time do you really have to spend physically with each other from now on ?

Do you have DCs together? Is he coming round to drop them off/pick them up? Perhaps you can manufacture some "urgent" errands so that he doesn't need to come in.

Thanks. :)

Yes, we do have kids. It was the drop off yesterday, where he was going on about I'd have to pay back an overpayment on housing benefit. And I guess money is a hot button topic between us, because long-term behaviours of his and the recent (last week's) overdraft thing.

I want to be amicable because we do get on well: I just can't be married to him anymore. But maybe disliking him is an option - he did really treat me poorly over the years.

I'm not sure whether he does his little zingers passive-aggressively or unconsciously, or whether I'm just over sensitive.

Everytime he pisses me off I turn something of his sparkly. Kitchen redecorated, dog new sparkly collar.

I like the idea of the self cbt and actually telling him what I think occasionally. But I feel bad cos he's done all the crying and has basically given me house and children and is starting again with nothing. But then he was an arse to me for 20 years. So there's that.

If the financial settlement is in your favour, then try to bite your tongue until it's been formalized in your divorce. Frustrating though. Maybe you could come up with a code phrase like "Sounds good" or "Okey dokey" which sounds innocuous but inside your head you're actually translating it as "Shut the fuck up you irritating fuckwad."

What's not to dislike about a man who's treated you, and by default your dc, poorly over the years? You'd have to be a saint to look kindly on him.

I like LouLou's notion of 'self-cbt' but I'm not too sure about ps's suggestion as I suspect I'd find myself saying 'oh do fuck off you fuckwit' instead of 'sounds good' to non-irritating friends/colleagues/clients/family members etc.

I think 'amicable' is a wonderful ideal, but in reality you (and he) have a swirl of emotions going on - grieving for what might have been, mixed with some aspects of what you used to love about each other, mixed with pain or anger or bitterness about the things that actually caused you to split up. Add in some tricky negotiations about money and that's quite a pot to be stirring.

When I split with my exh I set the bar considerable lower: civil rather than amicable - which meant no badmouthing each other except to the closest friends (certainly not in any situation where the dc would get wind of it), being consistent in our parenting with respect to discipline, ear-piercing, pocket money etc, acknowledging each other if we met in Asda but not being over friendly, not going over the doorstep of each other's houses except by specific (rare) invitation. If we had things to discuss we did it in a neutral place.

After 20 years we are amicable. He told me about splitting from is most recent partner before the dc told me, we attend events together(weddings, christenings etc) and next months when he is hosting a barbeque for a longstanding mutual friend I am doing the salads and he is doing the puddings.

But it was one step at a time, and some of them were backwards. So go easy on yourself in all of this.