Age gap relationships - what happens in later life?

[OiledBegg]

I'm 30 and my boyfriend is 50. We've been together for over a year, and things are going really well - we are making plans to move in together sometime in the near future.

We've met each other's family and all has gone well there. My parents are only 6-7 years older than him (although they seem a lot older, as he is quite young at heart) they really like him but my mum is constantly on my case saying that when I am 50 and "in my prime" he'll be 70 which is an "old man", and how is it going to work? She's worried my life will be held back/dragged down if I commit to a man so much older. I used to shrug off her comments but now I am wondering - has anyone got experience of what happens in large age gap relationships when one of you starts getting "old"?

There is a 14 year gap between my parents.

DM is aged before her time and at 60 is now the full time carer for dad who is 74 and has alzheimers.

He is incontinent, she can't leave him, he needs help with everything and she is in tears a lot.

Not how she thought she would spend her 60;s...

I'd be so upset if my children married someone with a gap like that.

OP - If your path followed TravellingToad's story, your DC's would be somewhere between 15-20. Starting college, university, work etc and yet their DF would be have alzheimers, be incontinent, and couldn't be left alone.

If you are planning children then the age gap is significant. My father was 25 years older than my mum and it was like having a grandfather not a father when I was growing up. School friends always asked me where my Dad was, till I was too embarrassed to invite them into the house. My mum ended up being his carer for the last 10 years of his life. I feel resentful for missing out on having a Dad and for my Mum loading 10 years having to care for him.

Losing not loading!

I've commented on an earlier thread of the same topic.

Mums 14 years younger than my Dad. My maternal GPs were very very against my Dad - for very good reasons. Not only was he older than my Mum but he was a lazy, work dodger too. My GPs had to buy my parents house then gift it to them as no bank would touch my Dad. My dad then managed all of 12 years work before getting laid off and spending the rest of his working life imitating Andy Capp. But that thats not the point of this response.

People do not age in a linear fashion. As you get older, you find your health drops off at a point rather than aging gradually. Yes, a 50 YO might be in good health. 60 YO? 70 YO? 80 YO? Nah. Ye,s a 70 YO might outlive a 50 YO but in all probability they will not.

My mum was looking forward to retiring + travelling - visiting GKs and the like. She managed 5 years before my Dad kicked off and she's stuck at home, baby sitting him. Not only was he a PITA when he was younger, all his irritating traits have become much worse as he's aged. My Mum is living with someone who behaves like an 80 YO toddler - and its not due to any dementia! Rather than retiring, my mum has become a OAP's OAP carer!

The poster who said Only marry and older richer man is correct. Money and finances just do not work anymore when there is a big age difference.

The OP's mum is right to be concerned. I would go nuts if my DD shacked up with someone 10 years+ her age. The OP is only seeing positives. The OP's Mum is seeing practicalities.

A little known but important point is that older men (50+) do have fertility issues. People always concentrate on old Mums having Downes. But older male parents also have children with genetic defects - mental + learning disabilities are very common. Do you want your child to have an older Dad? At 15 the man will be 65. What are they going to do together - collect his pension? Seriously, think long + hard.

Re-reading there's are a lot of posts along the lines of 'DD was 10+ DM and outlived her' etc. These are exceptional

The average UK man will live to 82ish; average UK woman 85ish. Those are the hard numbers. What they do not record is the health problems a 80 YO have.

A bloke up the road died recently @ 92. Until recently (last year) he was still driving (when not busy) and walking up + down a big hill to keep fit. His health dropped off in the last 10 months. He was very lucky.

There are a lot of posters saying he will be too old to offer support and help to your children when they 15+. They are correct.

One of my best family relationships was with my GPs; D was a big PITA growing up.

An older partner will not make a good parent. GP maybe. And what about your kids kid's? Do they not deserve a GP?

My mum was 20 years younger than my dad.

She died 11 years before he did.

My DH is 19 years older than me, I'm 34 and have been with him 4 years, so started pretty similar to you, OP. 6 months into our relationship while it was still mostly just fun, enjoyable company, I had an accident that has left me with a permanent disability, chronic fatigue and mobility issues. He stuck around and for a time, cared for me. I have however made it back to work and am now the higher earner and have a good NHS pension.
There are issues that must be faced though. How have his older children reacted to you? Might he be a GF soon and how would it affect relationships with his existing children for him to also have a newborn at the same time?
I've come to an acceptance that we won't have children of our own as the existing children's wellbeing takes priority. There's a grief associated with that. But for me, there's also a grief in losing the ability to do many other things and having found someone who will walk through all of that at my side, I am very blessed.
My parents were gone when I met my DH - I don't have genetic longevity on my side. I suspect my mum would also have had her concerns for the reasons above.

I was interested to read the earlier comments about genetic longevity. DH is 9 years older than me, and if you go by the latest mortality stats, he should live to approx age 82. So I'd be 73 then, and would be expected to live to 85, giving me 12 years as a widow.

However - neither of my bio parents lived past 60, whereas the men in DH's family all seem to make to nearly 90.

Thank you all, this has raised loads of questions again re his suitability for becoming a dad again. I feel more confused than ever. The idea of finishing with him because I need to fidn someone younger just feels ridiculous.
boxofsnails his older children have reacted well, they're very chilled out people and just seem happy their dad is happy. Obviously what their private thoughts are what they say about things to their friends I will never know No signs of them having their own dc just yet but I understand the problem of them having children, wanting DP to babysit etc and him having his own child responsiblities.
Oh :(

It's not really ridiculous if you are thinking long term. I think you have to decide that your future may be that of a carer as well as not having a child, it's that stark - to have a kid in your fifties is just not really fair on that child, you'll probably be gone by the time the kid reaches 30 odd.

Having said all that, if you love the person then you will cross those bridges together.

The gap between my father and wife is 19 years. They have no children together and she didn't have children before. I can see a life of being his carer ahead of her.

He's has multiple health issues as a result of his lifestyle. Her own parents are elderly and infirm and now she's got my dad And my dad is "young at heart" and something of a party animal.

I'd also think carefully about children.

as you say ChrisQuean, 'young at heart' sounds good on the face of it but if it means a man who has had a 'live for the moment lifestyle' he probably hasnt taken too much care of his health.

Then again he had the foresight to enlist an unpaid carer young wife so evidently did plan for the long term after all

My aunt and uncle met when they were the same age as you and your DP respectively and have been together for 20 years. However, he obviously retired before her, turned to alcohol and is now dying of liver failure. She is in her 50's, has a rewarding career and was happy but is now the carer to her old, alcoholic, dying husband.

I think 20 years is too big an age gap. You have to look to the future.

None of this means "no" OP - just go into it with your eyes open and have real dialogue with your boyfriend about the reality of it all.
It's more likely he won't see a new child into double figures, into adulthood, into their own children - this could happen at any age but the likelihood goes up with the decades. Financial provision can be sorted - but not emotional support for those worst case scenarios.
Pre DH I was happily single so I can face being alone - but it does need talking about. PM me if it'll help.

thing is, if you're 30 and in love, well you'll follow your heart...wont you?

Thats what I did when I was 30, and I had a relationship with a man who was 16 years older than me.
Luckily only lasted a year but I say that with hind sight and the broader perspective gained from a further 20 years of life experience

I actually had a friend in exactly your position. She was in a relationship with a reasonably well-known actor. She was early 30s, he was in his 50s. They adored one another and he and her parents got on brilliantly (he was their contemporary!), but in the end they broke up because she wanted kids and he already had kids her sort of age and I think the age gap just proved too great. She did then meet someone else and marry and have a DC. Thing is, there is no right and wrong answer to your dilemma, just what you feel in your gut and want. Any one of us could end up as either carers or being cared for in old age, its just that you might be faced with that in your 50s or 60s, rather than when you're older.

Agree with pp. Nothing is certain but it is highly likely that he will be dependent on you for care at some point with that age difference. If you have DC with him you may end up with the lions share of their care followed by caring for an elderly man during some of what could be your best years not to mention the fact that he is of an age now where if he has more, even very soon, he could have a reasonably high chance of dying before the DC reach adulthood which seems a very unfair thing to inflict on DC just because you love each other.

I think it also depends when u get together. I was 22 he was 40 which is still young and we have been together 25 years. It doesn't matter what the future holds when you have been and still are very much in love with someone for the last 25 years. whatever will be it was worth it.

You can enjoy many happy years together but the truth is you will be a young widow and/or a carer that's my experience of friends and family members. Fifty is quite young but your fifty is his seventy and that's a different ball game. If you have children can he/you afford to put them thru uni in 20 years? You are right to ask these questions

No, he probably wouldn't be able to put them through uni. He's no better off financially than me (working full time, renting, no real savings).
I do have visions of juggling elderly parents and an elderly partner. Would be difficult enough without any extra dependants, I just don't know if I can choose him over having more dc of myself...

with an age gap relationship you are trading your youth and looks for his financial advantages, yes yes I know that sounds mercenary, and of course there is love etc but for a relationship to be fair and equal both parties need to be 'bringing something to the table' and you both need to be materially better off than if you were alone.

It looks to me as if all the advantages are for him?

Yes, in that way he has "nothing to offer" - however shallow that may sound. That's not ever what I look for in a relationship but I do see what you're saying. He is a brilliant partner and when in the throes of love you can't ever imagine being with anyone else. Which is what makes this so difficult!

Ime the throes of love last 2 - 3 years in a relationship.

Maybe just enjoy it for what it is now and see how you feel a little way down the line when the rose coloured sparkly fairy dust (wonderful as it is) has dissipated??