Age gap relationships - what happens in later life?

[OiledBegg]

I'm 30 and my boyfriend is 50. We've been together for over a year, and things are going really well - we are making plans to move in together sometime in the near future.

We've met each other's family and all has gone well there. My parents are only 6-7 years older than him (although they seem a lot older, as he is quite young at heart) they really like him but my mum is constantly on my case saying that when I am 50 and "in my prime" he'll be 70 which is an "old man", and how is it going to work? She's worried my life will be held back/dragged down if I commit to a man so much older. I used to shrug off her comments but now I am wondering - has anyone got experience of what happens in large age gap relationships when one of you starts getting "old"?

only marry an old man if he's a rich old man

That's helpful suzanne

My Dad was 20 yrs older than my Mum, she died 12 yrs before him, there are no guarantees in life and if he makes you happy, go for it.

or at least make sure he has a property with enough equity in it to pay for his care.
But then where will you live?

Whats his health like now Oiledbeg does he have any pre exisiting conditions, is he in good shape?

He probably wont need care until mid to late 70's if he's taken care of himself thus far

Do you want children?

My friend was once in the exact same situation OP. Her 50yo bf was charming, funny, handsome and very dashing.

Then it took them 8 years to conceive so he was nearly 60 when their ds was born. In the 6 years since her ds was born, her dh has aged quite considerably, suffered ill health and has retired from working in the business they ran together. Her parents have also been ill.

Of course, none of us know what's around the corner. But the age gap that seemed negligible 15 years ago feels much greater now. And she is under an awful lot of pressure to look after her son, her husband, her ageing parents and run her business.

Thank you for all the replies

He is in great shape, an ex smoker which does worry me sometimes but all good aside from that.

We have talked about children and it's something we both want in our future. He has grown up dc and I have a ten year old but having one together would be amazing. Obviously I know we can't hang around too long

It can be a bit of a shock when the older person looks after and goes through their younger partner dying. Nothing is certain in any relationship, any of us can get very sick and need extra help at any age.

Aside from the obvious things that have already been mentioned, I'd be thinking that all the advantages in this age gap are for your partner. I'd also be wondering what attracted him to someone 20 years younger than himself when there are many women the same age as him. It is easier to manipulate younger women - younger women will often not stand up to treatment or behaviour that an older woman will find unacceptable.

Even if you don't end up as his carer, unless he is wealthy and not paying a divorce settlement, you will likely end up financially supporting him when he retires and you are still working.

A nice, decent man of this age with a much younger girlfriend will already have thought about these things and be in a position for them to be less meaningful.

My DP is almost 14 years older than me. I don't find it an issue as nothing is guaranteed. His dad is 80 and still working driving and very healthy as is his mother. My dad died just 2 weeks after his 52nd birthday. He'd been ill for many years with minor ( seemingly, however accumulated ) illnesses. My DP has no health issues whereas I'm being investigated for possible early menopause! There are no guarantees in life. Everyone is different and age is no guarantee of health or ill health.

?I agree, at 50, and compared to my 30 year old self I am far more insightful and cynical when it comes to the motivations of other?s.
He will be aware that he is getting a very good deal here and that it is his last chance to attract a younger partner

It's one thing to have a relationship but I'd have a good hard look at what's in it for me before committing myself to someone of 50 when I was 30. ?

People age at different rates. My parents are in their early 80s, have all their marbles and are still very active. They have lots of health niggles but fortunately so far nothing too major. Of course nobody can rely on their life turning out this way but anyone who follows basic health advice (don't smoke, don't drink too much, take some exercise, try to eat plenty of vegetables and not too much fat/salt/sugar and keep your weight down) has a reasonable chance of living a long and fairly healthy life.

I'd say if you are confident about the relationship don't let the age gap stand in the way of your happiness.

My dad is 24 years older than my step mum and they have been married for over 25 years!
They have a great time together and now he is in his 70s, they still have a great time. Like your OH he is young at heart and I enjoy spending time with them as they are great fun.

I'd be warier because you want children. Clearly we could all be run over by buses tomorrow (or your DH could run away to Quito with his secretary) but I still think I'd want to do my best to ensure my children had both parents around to support them until they reach adulthood - 18 or 21.

If a healthy non-smoking man has children aged 45 then the chances of him still being alive and fit by 65 are very good. If he waits until 55 then the odds of him still being in good health at 75 are still just about on his side if he doesn't smoke, but the risk of something happening in those ten years is, to my mind, higher than I'd be prepared to live with.

I must admit I haven't read everything here...

But I will say this. My parents had a two year age gap, a wonderful 40 year marriage and were completely devoted to one another.

Two years a go, my dad died. My mum is now left a widow at 66 with still loads of life left in her, and every expectation of living a very long time (both her parents are still with us, in their 90's).

So what I'm saying, is even with a short age gap, there are no guarantees that you'll grow old together. It's a nice thought, obviously but not a given.

So, with that in mind I would say you should do what truly makes you happy.

A pp said you should plan your pension, and I agree - but I'd say EVERYONE should do that regardless of who they're with or not with!

Good luck with your decision, I hope you have a long and happy relationship.

Nothing. DP and I have a 15 year age gap. We met when I was 18, just about to turn 19, and him 34. 8 years later we have a beautiful house, gorgeous DS, two hyper huskies and a life we enjoy very much.

All my friends said we wouldn't last. I was stupid etc etc. We have our problems and some really are age related if I'm honest, ie I want to fly long haul, saved to take DS to disney world since I found I was pregnant, but his back just won't be able to take it totally sound like a pampered princess there. But for the most part it's great. I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

If you love someone you'll care for them. After all even if you were with someone your own age you could end up nursing them through various situations.

Enjoy your relationship and soon the age gap will mean nothing to you.

same as LikeASoulWithoutAMind If you want to be together great go for it. If you want children don't go for it.

My Father died when I was 18.
If you take 5 years to concieve, statistically speaking your DH will probably not see his children graduate. The kids will have most of their lives without a Father, their kids will not have a Grandfather.

What seems like someone who is fit for a 50 year old, is no where near as fit as a 35 year old (I am 50 btw and do triathlons). I don't know if I was over compensating but I was always the first and last in the pool. Instigated races, climbingr trees, organised competitions etc. Would a 65 year old have a mini Olypics with a 10, 8 year old??

And then there is the whole side of not having a major role model/ someone to talk to (like me) for the majority of my adult life.

The likelihood is that he will spend the years from fifty onwards revitalized by his relationship with a much younger woman.
Whereas you will spend the years from fifty or sixty onwards caring for or at least limited and constrained by the ?increasing frailty of a much older man.

Or the relationship may run it's course well before ?that time.
?

Mydh is 15 months younger than me and has a medical condition that may shorten his life. This was not discovered until after our first child was born. If I had known it would have made no difference I would have married him anyway.
My Df was an older parent & died when I was 26. He didn't see me get married or meet my dcs. He was a great dad & I would rather have had him for the time I had than anyone e else. If you love him & you've talked about the what ifs honestly then go for it and be happy.

The reality of it is that the youngest person in the relationship will more than likely end up being a carer for the other, especially when you have a 20 year age gap.

But, if you love someone then you wont care about that but I've seen it first hand with my own parents and it isn't easy, it certainly put me off dating anyone older than myself.

No one can give you a definitive answer on this OP, because it depends a lot on how you and your DP age and whether you're both in good health right up until the end.

My aunt's second DH was 17 years older than her and in seemingly good health until his early 70s, then he was diagnosed with cancer and dead four months later. She was 53. She's now 73 and admits that if he was still alive her life would be very different (and nowhere near as good). She is a healthy 73 and travels a lot - generally four OS trips per year and half of those long-haul. If she had a 90-year-old to take into account, even one who was quite sprightly, there is no way she'd be able to do that. And, of course, if he'd not got cancer he could've got something else - dementia or arthritis or any number of other life-limiting conditions. Those 'prime' years, particularly after retirement, can be a really wonderful time in a person's life if both they and their DP are in good health. Having a much older partner makes that drastically less likely.

Nothing is predictable.

Friend A - married a man her own age when they were in their early 20s. He has a serious, lifelong medical condition. I don't they knew the seriousness of it when they got together. The medication he takes controls the condition but at a cost - the side effects have brought on other serious health problems. In all honesty, his life expectancy is now much reduced. They are in their 40s now with two adult children and I don't think she would have things any other way.

Friend B - married a man 10 years older than her when she was in her early 30s, coming up to ten years ago. He also has serious health problems that are controlled by medication. They have a very happy marriage, a young child and she also would have it no different.

Friend C - married a man 20 years older than her when she was in her early 30s. They have no children by choice, but he has children from an earlier relationship. She enjoys being a relatively young granny (she's mid-50s now). He has a potentially serious health problem now he's in his 70s and she may well find herself a widow before she's 60, but it's been a very happy marriage, they're very active, have a huge amount in common and she also would wish things no different.

(When I say they would wish things no different, of course all three of my friends would wish their husbands had better health! What I mean is, none of them regret marrying men who have turned out to have health problems because the worry of that is offset by all the good bits.)

It seems to me (now this thread has got me thinking about it), that a lot of men develop serious health conditions in their 70s. Not only did my aunt's second DH drop dead at this age, but my dad was found to have serious heart problems (monitored and controlled with stents and meds), my step-dad developed heart arrhythmia, one of my grandads got diabetes, another uncle has got dementia, another needed a quadruple heart bypass (he was a heavy smoker for years), and my FIL has recently been diagnosed with a nasty kind of cancer! The women, OTOH, are all in good health.

" with a short age gap, there are no guarantees that you'll grow old together." But with a large age gap, it is guaranteed that you won't.

I know a woman in her 60s who is still in good health, working part time and enjoying being a granny, while her husband in his 80s seems very old and doddery in comparison. He is showing signs of dementia too. As others have said you can't predict the future, but I do understand why your mum is concerned.