Another dd1 and exh question

[lou33]

Sorry about this, but i need more general opinions about what to do.

Dd1 is mainly a typical teenager, she's a good kid but has her moments, tho nothing overly serious

However, every time she speaks to her dad on the phone or msn she becomes impossible to handle. She starts shouting and bullying the other kids, talks to me like i am rubbish and is generally verbally aggressive as well as tearful

I know she misses him but at the same time she cant be allowed to behave like this, today she told me she wished i would die in a big hole, the other day compared me to a prostitute.

I understand why she does it, however unacceptable, but my question is about punishment for that sort of behaviour. I have told her she has no internet, mobile phone or tv in her room for the forseeable future, but it just made her firstly aggressive,, then trying to make me change my mind, then stroppy to the kids again.

Ds1 is having a birthday treat on saturday, and i am seriously considering telling her she can not come along. What do you think?

She is 14 1/2

god the poor thing - and poor you too it must be v stressful.

Could you take her away from home, just the 2 of you for a while, somewhere she can have all your attention to talk it through? it sounds like she's scared she's losing people and maybe she wants to know she's being noticed.

hope the counsellor helps.

what a horrible time. All you can do it try and be patient with her, and keep trying to get through. Try not to get angry with her and overreact (not easy).

Lou, no advice as such but I just wanted to say that I was a truely horrible 14 year old, and made my mums life a misery.

Looking back I couldnt even tell you why, it was just a phase and we argued over everything. (I actually dread having a dd in case they have my genes!).

I cannot imagine how much worse I would have been had my parents been seperated and my dad was crying about it on webcam to me.

My mum was very soft and I cannot not remember one time when she made a threat and carried it through. I too would say sorry, get what I wanted and then go back to being mean again.

I dont know how long this has been going on but if you are actually giving punishments and sticking to them then surely you will have a breakthrough soon and she will learn her behaviour is not on. I know I would have done if my parents had really carried out their threats.

It honestly sounds like you are handling it so well, you are setting the boundaries but also giving her the chance to talk as an adult. I really like the idea of writing down the ideas and suggestions for acceptable behaviour, I wouls have liked that when I was 14. Its a fine line between understanding her upset and not letting her take it out on you, and knowing how much is normal teenage bad behaviour.

On the bright side, I now get on with my mum and appreciate how hard a time I gave her. Im sure your dd will see that in time too.

I have just seen your last thread about her cousin. how awful.

I hope things improve for you both.

Thinking of you this evening.

thank you everyone

she has been really good today actually, not one cross word, i think getting her out of school early and talking to her and letting her have time without the others was a good move

dd2 has been the most distraught, she bawled her eyes out for about an hour, then asked if she could call a friend, who immediately asked if she could come round to cheer her up (dd2 is nearly 10), which i thought was so lovely

and i had an unexpected visitor of my young man for a couple of hours which was also nice as i wasnt expecting him til tomorrow

I knew my nephew all his life, he is on exh's side of the family but to me it makes no odds, he was a lovely boy . He had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, he was in remission last time i had contact with them, it's all so very sad. He died 3 days before his brother's birthday as well. My sil sent me a card letting me know the news, which i thought was v good of her

she was good this morning too

i wonder if it is because its a few days since she spoke to her dad or if its because she knows she might not be coming in the trip out?

in reality i dont think i could bear to leave her behind on a fmaily day out, but she doesnt know that

and she still isnt allowed internet access, her mob phone or tv in her room

Hope you have a really good day today - are you taking her? Maybe if it's laid out as being the reward for the improvement in the last day or so? Have a good weekend. Take care.

thank you

we did take her,,and she was pretty good mainly, apart form one time when i had to take her outside and tear a strip off her

however i have told her i am not reinstating her privileges until i can see a long term change instead of her behaving properly until the family day out was over

Sounds reasonable. Enforced familial contact through lack of activities in her bedroom may be just the key. Good luck

thanks, she is not pushing as much as she has been , but let's see if she carries on

i just found an email from him in my hotmail giving me shit without bothering to ask any questions

i told him to f*ck off

so he replied to my one telling him to fuck off, lol

this time he is trying to be all conciliatory, saying we should be friends (!)

man i so saw red then

i replied witha v long and no holds barred email saying i have given him so many chances and alwys tried to be amicable, so why would i do it yet again? I said he had used all his chances up by loading debt to my cc and running to thailand, by being so drunk and intimidating i had to call the police on him, by calling me a lying c*nt to my kids, by hassling my mates, by not supporting hte kids, by always feeling sorry for himself, and a load more. I told him he chose to run off instead of staying here and making a go of a new life, so i am not going to listen to any more poor me shit again.

I told him he cant call himself any sort of good father, told him to stop the tears when he speaks to the kids, and to suck it up for their sake.

said he can make me wait for 5 yrs for a divorce but it would be easier if he just gave me contact details, as i am sure once his gf has the baby she will want a wedding ring

there was more but i cant recall it all

of course i will be a heartless bitch but never mind lol

i think he is mad, he doesnt listen

i just got an email cc'd to me and dd1 from him

asking dd1 to do some stuff for him which would mean me paying out money, so he can afford to send a gift to ds1!

no way, he can sort his own shit out, and not ask a 14 yr old to do it for him

Oh dear. You decide a marriage is over and go your separate ways to make for a better life. But life isn't necessarily any better, is it? Just different shit.

Perhaps you should block all email contact and make him write letters. It's so easy to carry on a bitter exchange via email, but normally a lot of the heat over something has dissipated by the time you get a letter and get round to replying. Modern techonology, huh?

Really sorry that the repercussions are so long term. Can you set up filters on your daughters email so that mail from his account is automatically forwarded to yours for you to manage rather than her in the first instance. You could explain to her why this is happening - that he's asking inappropriate things of her (re the money) and you want to help her maintain a good and appropriate relationship with her dad which will also help her be less stressed and volatile if she's not managing things first hand...

i just got back and found 3 more emails for me from him!

im not even going to reply, it just gives him an excuse to play the wounded innocent in all this

God what a prick he sounds.

actually i did reply, for the final time, to tell him to stop living in his dream world and give me an address so i can divorce him

am so tempted to copy and paste his mail to me lol