Thinking of leaving my partner because his daughter despises me

[OhBertha]

Met my DP on Match 2 years ago. We are crazy about each other, looking at moving in together in the next few months.

He has three daughters- a 17 year old, 13 year old and a 8 year old. He was with their mum for 23 years- she left him for another man 5 years ago. That broke off about 3 years ago and she had a breakdown- drinking, drugs etc and it was decided the kids would live with their dad full time.

I get on really well with his youngest two- but his oldest daughter outright despises me. Verbal abuse, throws things at me, refuses to be in the same room as me for prolonged periods of time and there have been times when ive had things go missing or theyve gotten broken.

Ive tried everything- talking to her, avoiding her, trying to get involved in things shes interested in, buying her stuff i know she will like. she wont tell us what the problem is

This has been going on for just over 18 months. I havent got a clue what to do other than give up and break it off from my DH.

This young girl has had a difficult few years by the sound of it, her behaviour is way out of control. She needs some help, you seem to be the scapegoat for her feelings.
Would she listen to her grandparents?
I really feel for you, I recently ended a five year relationship due to the difficulties of Dps DD and DS, we just couldn't blend our families.

Liking you would be a betrayal of her mum. She can be hostile to the point of denying herself that exhibition, or a holiday. I know her dad's the one on the spot but her mum's feelings on the matter may influence her.

She felt safe with her dad. Now she feels threatened. She knows you have won the younger DCs over. She has conflicted feelings: loyalty to mum, faith in dad, maybe a sneaking regard for you but she has to keep up this front.

I realise that you can't turn the other cheek forever but hang on in there, maybe delay moving in.

I wouldn't move in.

Have her friends seen her behaving like this towards you? Sometimes a shocked friend has more power than an adult.

I agree though that presumably this is nothing about you & all about her shitty five years & her mother. I think she would surely benefit from the right (for her) counsellor - but that would have to come from her dad.

It is a hard age though. My eldest is 16, severely autistic & were seeing puberty uncontrolled & unfiltered & my oh my it's tough. Makes me realise how much 'typical' teenagers are dealing with day in day out. Her shitty upbringing hasn't given her the control or security to deal with it. Which isn't much comfort when you're ducking stuff being thrown at you but does at least remind you it's not personal.

I think the pp who talked about loyalty to get mum was probably spot on as well - if she likes you - another potential mother figure who is together & functioning etc, where does that leave her mum? However crappy she's been she's her mum - she can't get angry towards her (& ime with my son, some teens have a lot of anger) so you cop it.

There are probably a whole cornucopia of muddled up emotions going on. I doubt it can be pinned on one thing.

Feeling let down by mum,
angry at betrayal of dad by mum
blaming mum or dad or both
feeling protective of mum
feeling let down by dad
scared of same thing happening to dad
threatened by mum 'replacement'
scared of getting attached then you leave too
jealous of the OP
traumatised by watching her mum
feeling it's somehow her fault that she should have coped better
being 17
being a child then maybe a carer then a child again
and a million other possibilities

Yes lots going on- I do think she would find the right counsellor really helpful (I'm sure anyone would if they'd had to deal with everything she has)

That's tough. I know that if i came across that behaviour early on, I'd have to leave. Plain and simple. I couldn't deal with it tainting the relationship. I have different challenges as a step-mum though that I know other people couldn't live with. But if you think you're going to stick at this relationship perhaps you could try some phrases along the lines below at the right times with your DSD:

• It's OK to be cross that I'm in your life, but I won't tolerate you doing x. If x happens I will need to x (something you can control e.g call the police)

• I'm sorry that you've been through x x and x. I would feel x if I went through all that at your age. It's OK to talk to me about it, or not to tell me. I'm here for you

-It's OK to be wary of how things might turn out now I'm in your dad's life. I'm not here to take your mum's place or to take your dad away from you. What matters to your dad matters to me, so you will always matter to me, no matter what you do. I care about you.

Don't underestimate how firm but encouraging, open but guiding teens need parents to be. All the best.

I have a 17 year old daughter. She is not "nearly" an adult (except in the eyes of the law), her emotional maturity needs a lot of work, she is, as far as I am concerned, a child. She has also gone through the most horrific breakdown of our family unit with related issues resulting in her being treated under CAMHS. She copes mostly, but not always. Sometimes she is very mature and I forget she is not an adult, other times it's like having a five year old. This is a difficult age, on the cusp of adulthood but without the emotional maturity to deal with it.

I do not condone the actions of your DP's daughter but there are clearly a lot of underlying issues and her childhood, in the way you describe it, has been completely unsettled and unpleasant. Does she see you as being "in the way" of a reconciliation between her parents?

I haven't introduced anybody to my children, it's been two years since STBXH left. I would suggest you don't do the moving in thing yet, but encourage your DP to seek some help for his DD. In the meantime, I would take a huge step back.

You need to tie her to a chair, gagged. Then tell her:

1. She is acting in a manner that is detrimental to the whole family
2. At 17 she is about to start her adult life. Her current actions will ensure that her dad will live the last of his sad, alone and resenting the fact that he loves her so much he cannot help her understand the consequences of her actions
3. You will be helping her find a counsellor she can talk to so that she can stop making herself so unhappy
4. You will be going out as a family with or without her. She will not get to call the shots any more. But you will still be offering treats like the London trip, she can go or not... but you will be.
5. She has limited choices: continue as is and make everyone unhappy or make some changes so that everyone is happy, including her and her dad.

OK, so tying her down and gagging her is a bit extreme and the conversation needs to come from her dad, not you. But otherwise...

Good luck xx

She needs counselling and your partner should be the driving force in getting her help. Do not move in just yet and make it clear to your partner that his non interventionist ways regarding his eldest, is affecting the whole family and benefits no one.

Given the family turbulence she's experience during her early teens, her behaviour really isn't that surprising and although her anger is directed at you, you're probably just a substitute.

Having been there, I would leave. It will break your heart, but I'd do it. It's no good for you to be in a situation like that - you'll end up denying your own needs and tying yourself in knots.

There are obviously reasons why she behaves as she does and her behaviour can be understood if not condoned. Yes, you will be teaching her that behaving in extreme ways gets her own way. However, you can't 'fix' her. She needs healing attention from her dad and there's no way to make that work if you're in the mix as a focus for her rage and aggression because that will hurt him and make him angry.