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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband just grabbed me by the neck

67 replies

Childofgruffalo · 31/07/2015 23:40

Have NCd for this.

DH and I have just had an argument in bed which resulted in him grabbing me round the neck and me struggling to breath.

I am now in DDs room settling her, I don't know what to do, I am reluctant to phone the police as I don't want SS to get involved.

I think I managed to just take a picture of red marks on my neck. But where do I go from now?

OP posts:

ouryve · 01/08/2015 00:10

Please phone someone. You can't just brush this under the carpet. He might kill you next time, then SS really would need to be involved.

Original poster

Childofgruffalo · 01/08/2015 00:11

Thank you. Have text a friend to ask if she is awake but no answer. Have laid out spare duvets on the floor blocking entry to DDs room which is where I will sleep tonight. DD2 usually wakes at 3am for a feed so am going to try and get my head down.

OP posts:

GinAndSonic · 01/08/2015 00:17

Sorry Sycamore, but i dont think its safe for the OP to confront her partner and try to throw him out now.
Child if you cant call them now, yes, please call them tomorrow. Explain why you didnt call them tonight. In my experience of reporting domestic abuse (not violence, but him calling me after i had left him, threatening suicide, which when attended by police was blatant bullshit as he was eating pizza and watching a film and they logged it as domestic abuse and another incident of him calling and emotionally manipulating me claiming lost memory and not knowing where he was etc resulting in me having to report him missing and a number of officers being mobilised to hunt for him, finding him at an take away ordering food) then the police did pass a report to SS each time. I was called by them as a courtesy to let me know they had recieved the report, askibg about the background etc and telling me then that there would be no investigation or involvement as they were satisfied that my DC were being kept safe as i had left and had no intention of reconciling. SS will not remove your children from you if they can see that you are making your home safe for them.

Reginamangina · 01/08/2015 00:21

A distrupted evening of sleep for your kids in return for a life of peace and safety? It should be a no brainier but making the decision to call the police is a difficult step. It's better that than have your kids see your husband treat you like that or worse find you beat up & unconscious .

There's this fallacy that social services are all bad and will take your kids away but in reality they are there to help & support when people really need it & removing kids is a last resort (& heavily legislated for so many hoops for social work teams to jump thro to get an order). There's no shame in actively seeking their help either.take care & seriously consider reporting, if even for future reference

LondonRocks · 01/08/2015 00:22

for you. What a nightmare. Please keep yourself safe. This is a big red flag with bells on.

BertieBotts · 01/08/2015 00:25

SS will be made aware but that does not mean they will launch a full scale investigation.

If you leave it until morning to decide to report, odds are you won't report. The more time that elapses following an assault, your brain plays funny tricks, you will find yourself minimising it and/or excusing it or not really believing that it happened, or making yourself believe that it couldn't have been that bad or you would have done something at the time.

Photos are good. Sleeping in another room also good. Just anything you can do today to remind yourself tomorrow of how you felt. I can understand wanting to wait until he is at work. Do you have a plan for if he doesn't go to work?

TinyDancer69 · 01/08/2015 00:28

Please call the police. I'm very worried about you. And it sounds like one of your DDs is only a baby. What a dangerous, vile man. You must protect yourself to be there for your babies. Hand holding and (((())) Make that call.

Redglitter · 01/08/2015 00:28

Can I just say this idea that you can phone 101 'just to have it logged' isn't going to happen. I don't know any force who'll entertain that method. If someone reports domestic abuse in our force it's followed up even if the caller changes their mind.

Do please call and report it. If you feel you can't do it tonight do it tomorrow morning. If you're in ANY kind of danger tonight call immediately.

Even if SS are involved it'll be to support you not to come running in to remove your children. They're on your side

babbum · 01/08/2015 00:31

If you let him physically abuse you this time with no repercussions it will only continue. You have a little one to think off to. This behaviour is not acceptable at all.

GraysAnalogy · 01/08/2015 00:33

I understand your reluctancy to ring the police. It's very easy for us to say because we're not the ones going through it and having all the feelings whirring in our heads.

If you don't want to ring them tonight, please please make sure you are safe. If you have any inkling he is awake and might do this again, leave. Don't put yourself at further risk because you're worried about repercussions. Worry about your safety and your baby's.

When tomorrow comes, take yourself away and ring them to report it. Like someone said this is a sign and is one you need to take heed of.

I am so sorry you're going through this

achieve6 · 01/08/2015 00:34

How did he behave after letting go of your neck?
I do understand you'd rather not subject the kids to disturbance or provoke him
But equally I want you to be safe.

BertieBotts · 01/08/2015 00:35

In fact I think I want to change my post - It's more that if you allow yourself to go back to normality, that kicks in a really strong survival instinct which basically goes "Right, we have to be normal, so it would be far easier if that blip had never happened" and tries to make it like it never happened or explain it away. Then it becomes very, very difficult to actually act upon it.

It is far more difficult, but extremely important, not to go back to normality and to keep acting as though something catastrophic has happened - because it has. I think if you make it through the whole night in your DDs' room and keep yourself aware for the portion of the morning that you need to see him then it will be easier to act (report) because you're keeping the momentum up, if you like.

GraysAnalogy · 01/08/2015 00:36

Yes despite what I've said bertiebotts is completely right. I've been there and it seems like its easier to keep that sense of normalcy and not report - in hopes it won't happen again.

But that's so dangerous and it doesn't work

GiddyOnZackHunt · 01/08/2015 00:41

SS won't swoop in and take your dc away if you call the police to log this. Their primary aim is to keep children safe in a coping family setting.
Do you understand what happened? Is he drunk? Was he half asleep? Was he fully aware of what he was doing? It doesn't excuse it but it provides context. If he is normally fine then logging it shouldn't cause a problem. If this is a sudden escalation of anger then logging it will provide you with a record for the future.
Don't brush it under the carpet because that's crossing a line. Look at your options tomorrow.

LondonRocks · 01/08/2015 01:06

Denial is a dangerous place. Think of your babies. They need you. Gain strength from that. You must put yourself and your safety (and the DC) first.

googoodolly · 01/08/2015 07:07

How are you this morning, OP? please ring the police if you haven't already.

achieve6 · 01/08/2015 07:26

Hi OP
I probably wasnt clear in the first message..def ring the police this morning, I know you didn't want to disrupt DC at night but you need to report today

Original poster

Childofgruffalo · 01/08/2015 08:28

I slept in DD's room until DH got up with DD2 at 5am, then I went into our room.

He just came in to apologise, he said he knows it was completely unacceptable and he is not going to make excuses.

I need to work out what I do now. It's easy to say 'leave him' - that's exactly what I would do if I was speaking to a friend in my situation - but despite last night, I still love my DH and want to keep our family unit together.

OP posts:

andthenagain · 01/08/2015 08:30

Please OP if you will not report to the police you really need to get it on record with your GP on Monday

Original poster

Childofgruffalo · 01/08/2015 08:32

Giddy yes, we had just been out for a meal and had been drinking alcohol. I think it makes the situation marginally better than if he had have done it sober. I know alcohol is not an excuse.

OP posts:

wotoodoo · 01/08/2015 08:49

Your dh is watching you closely for your reaction now. He knows he attempted murder and will be monitoring your response.

If you do nothing he will clock it up instinctively as acceptable behaviour. So that there WILL be a next time. You are enabling him to do it again because you don't want to make a fuss. May be you are embarrassed. You want life to carry on as usual. No disruption to your children's lives.

Well op, your lives HAVE been irrepairably changed whether you do something to protect yourself and your little dc or not. Get used to the fact that your dh wants to put the fear of killing you into the equation of your family life from now on.

You could not breathe. That means your dc could be motherless next time.

You won't be around for them. Their dad will ruin all your lives and you want to minimalise this?

What else has he done that you are wanting to forget?

butterflygirl15 · 01/08/2015 09:01

The only way you can prevent him doing this again is to report him. This cannot be swept under the carpet. What happens if is more serious next time? What if you split and you fear for you children in his care and there is no evidence of his violence? You have to take action today - sorry, but you don't have much choice.

Today you have to call Women's Aid and the police. And I would ask you to seek medical advice to ensure you are OK physically too.

guyfawk · 01/08/2015 09:02

Oh OP, you poor thing, you must be in a complete state of shock.

I know how tempting it is to try and go back to 'before' but it did happen and no amount of apologising can change that.

Please don't worry about SS, they are there to protect the children, and you. I was in a similar situation, it took me a while to leave but when I did they were great. And once they could see I had dc's best interests they closed the case.

Whatever you decide to do, please just protect yourself and your dc. Have an escape plan ready for day or night.

Look after yourself.

GinAndSonic · 01/08/2015 09:08

"I need to work out what I do now. It's easy to say 'leave him' - that's exactly what I would do if I was speaking to a friend in my situation - but despite last night, I still love my DH and want to keep our family unit together."

I loved my husband. I loved him when he hit me. I loved him when i had to ask permission to use the toilet or to go in the bath or to go to the shop. I loved him when he told me i was mental, when he threatened to take the children away unless i did as i was told. I loved him when he raped me, every single time. And, despite me leaving him for my friend, i loved him when i left, and for a good while after, when i was getting 300 messages per day, threatening me, my family, calling me a slag... i loved him. Until i didnt. Dont wait until you are like me, so broken that its taken nearly 2 years to put the pieces together in a way that resembles a functioning person. Please, please call the police.

magoria · 01/08/2015 09:10

What would your family unit be like if he hadn't let go?

You dead. Him in prison. Where would your beautiful DC be then?

Drink is no excuse.

You need to protect your family unit by reporting him and having him removed from it.

Otherwise next time there may no longer be one.

Love your children and protect them.

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