unsupportive Husband?

[tooneedyme]

Background - I have a 3 year old and newborn. Newborn has reflux, toddler is very active and together its full on. Dh has chronic back pain and it feels like a 3rd child with more emotional baggage. He does nothing in the house to help other than look after the finances and play with our toddler. I have a history of depression and anxiety and am feeling low.

Problem - I feel totally unsupported by dh who in my eyes is doing too little to help whilst Iam struggling physically and mentally day to day managing a home, 2 children and a dog. I have asked him to help where he can but I get the pain excuse, not much response or no response and doesn't do it anyway, or I get accused of nagging. He pays me so little attention and despite me bringing this up time and time again nothing has changed. I made a suggestion a while back that asking me if I needed anything whilst I was feeding the baby, like a cup of tea, would make me feel like he cared but he hasn't once taken me up on that. He lies in bed alot to rest, often gets up late so is home from work late and has phoned today to say he will be late home again as is going out with the guys from work for a meal even though I said I thought it would be better for him to come home.

I don't feel my needs are being met but as I am feeling low and my situation is tough with an unhappy refluxy baby I don't know how much of it is my mood rather than what I am blaming it on, his lack of support. A friend I confided in said he should "man up" and accept his responsibilities. I feel so emotionally insecure that anytime I question his behaviour he manages to turn it around to being my issue.

Iam scared that my children grow up to think it's ok for a relationship to be like this with Mummy running around after Daddy and lots of conflict. He sometimes totally ignores our toddler and when I asked him not to the other day he told me "anything you ask me to do Iam just going to do the opposite."

I don't really know my question here but does anyone have any thoughts, experience or advice?

I agree with Malice! All MAFMWAFV does is justify bad behaviour by saying that a gender is 'wired that way'.

Sweetheart, no one can really 'guide you'. We each must face our own demons and deal with them ourselves. There really is no 'say XXX, do YYY' fix-it script. We can tell you our experiences and what we have done, but that doesn't mean that it's the right thing for you. That's why getting help for yourself is important. You need to be able to stand up for yourself and, yes, face the truth of your marriage and whether or not you believe it can be saved or if you would be happier without him.

What is your GP doing to help you be in a 'better head space'? What did you say to your mum? Did you tell her that you are very unhappy in your marriage and that your H will not treat you with respect and kindness?

Have you considered what your H means by 'be nice to each other'? Does he mean that he will begin to help you out more and try to make you feel loved and appreciated? Or does 'be nice to each other' simply mean that you should be nicer to him?

A very important thing to remember is that you cannot change another person. No words, no actions, no threats will do that. A person has to want to change. Your H is very selfish and immature. You cannot change that, only he can. And it appears that he doesn't want to.

Just to give you another perspective about back pain. My DH had to retire in his forties with chronic back pain. He is in extreme pain 24/7 and unable to work.

But, he does all of the shopping, cooking, household organising, making appointments, managing things like insurance and finance, etc. The only things he cannot do are anything that involves heavy lifting or twisting, such as vacuuming, making beds, hanging out washing.

He is my hero because he has never given up, despite his disabilities. He supported me as my career really took off, and now that I have also had to retire with chronic ill health, he also looks after me.

OP, if your DH can hold down a job and socialise, then he can do more at home to take the pressure off you!

Men are from mars and women are from Venus is good............but ONLY to use as a door stop or to balance a wonky table leg.

You are all incredible and I appreciate all your words. We had a better day today as a family and I hope it can continue. To answer some questions...

My GP has referred me for specialist psychotherapy which is available now but unfortunately with the two tiny children finding a space to fit this in without them and not currently having childcare I am not able to attend but late in the month my toddler starts Nursery and I may be able to attend. My Mum has heard him being unreasonable and will support any decision I make. She is rather biased in her opinions and sometimes her suggestions are unreasonable as I know dh cannot do some of the things she believes he "should" do. As for being "nicer" I am not sure and yes my worry is that it is code language for brushing things under the carpet and forgetting about the last week or so, and acting all happy family with no change. Time will tell. He has indeed told me before that I have tried to "change" him by asking him to show more attention/care towards me. He said then he could not change and that you cannot ask a person to change.

If he didn't have the back pain it would be so clear cut. His pain is real and debilitating and I know when I am in pain it's all I can think about so it must be difficult for him too. But not all the time and not always to the extreme. He mentioned the other day he feels the acute pain he has been feeling recently is receding so on balance surely that should mean less thoughts about that and more room to think of the family? His current lifestyle is more like that of a single guy with a cook and cleaner at home to fend for him.

My parents are on holiday for two weeks and my Mum usually helps me alot and steps in to do things dh would normally do like accompany me on days out with the children or taking one child out/looking after them whilst I spend time with the other when she has a day off work. It's going to be a full on couple of weeks and I have asked dh to take a holiday one of the weeks. He agreed to take next week off as he has his hospital appointment on monday too but despite it being the weekend, isn't sure it's been approved because he asked too late and his boss was on holiday. However I am going to try and ask for more help and support rather than wait for it to happen then be disappointed/angry/frustrated when I don't get it. I am going to try and find out more about our finances and also think about the dog although I feel that is maybe an unfair action as she is the family pet and we give and receive lots of love from her despite it being alot of work walking, cleaning, grooming etc.

I read the blurb for the MAFMWAFV book and it sounds like my life however I trust everything a book tells me and if it is more suppotive of the male role I think I am better off avoiding.

Please continue to add advice, opinion if you have it. It has been really useful.