If you are a SAHP, whose name is your family car in and does your other half refer to it as "his/hers"?

[donotfeelsecure]

Maybe AIBU I don't know.

H paid for it but until recently I have been a SAHM (and the work I have started doing is low paid and term time only). The car is naturally, like everything else , in his name.

We have both damaged the car - and in very similar ways, driving in to barriers in car parks. The damage I did was worse though and has knocked more of the value off the car. To repair it h bought a new (second hand) passenger door, fitted it and had to build up the part you step on to to get into the car (it's a people carrier so higher off the ground) with filler which he hasn't yet (and probably won't now) smoothed off so that part looks a little concretey.

I was laughing about this yesterday (not the fact that I damaged it but the fact that it now looks a little flinstoney) and h suddenly rounded on me and said that he didn't know why I was laughing and I wouldn't be if it was my car or words to that effect. It was the cold way he said it as well that upset me.

So I asked how was it not my car given that over the years I have contributed a lot.

This is what depresses me. That it always boils down to h owning everything including our family home. I guess not having my name on anything makes him feel more invulnerable as he is already divorced but it makes me feel insecure and he obviously does not care / realise.

He refuses to discuss our future in any way as well apart from occasionally saying that he is going to live in a country he has always wanted to go to. He says a lot of tongue in cheek stuff so I never know what to take seriously or not. Going by his very possessive attitude however (the second hand laptops he bought for us to use are also referred to as his but the really big thing is the family home) I have to maybe anticipate the worst but it is 3.20 am so maybe I am not thinking rationally.

At what point will my contribution, both in terms of being a SAHM and financially before that, make me an equal to him in every way .

Not really relevant but I also received a small inheritance when my Mum died (almost 9 years ago now ) and this in part went and still goes towards occasional holidays / some things for the house / activities for the dc. I also "lent" him roughly the value of the car 7 years ago. In a marriage this shouldn't really be a loan but his whole attitude to co-ownership makes me feel very insecure.

Maybe I am being unreasonable but please be gentle if you think so!

I think he feels that I am very lucky to live somewhere that someone else pays the mortgage for (and I am I know) and what happens after that will be "my problem".

So that's it, really. He doesn't see you as an equal partner or the DC as the centre of the universe at all. You're basically his lifestyle accessories. That's a dreadful attitude, and sadly not really one open to reasoning away as obviously anything you say isn't considered important. It's like the sofa saying it would like some appreciation for being sat on.

Just point out in the case of a divorce you will be entitle to a larger share of all of the assets, including 'his' car and pension.

Oh love, you poor thing .

I would take this incident (which, if the dust had settled after the initial incident of having the crash, should have been a minor, ha ha, type thing - cars are there to be driven, and small accidents do happen) as a proper wake-up call to do some financial planning.
Whilst if you divorce, you will get a share of joint assets, including the flipping car, it is definitely worth your while to start building up any savings of your own. Relying solely on his planning for your pensionable years is dangerous. For your sake I would try and figure out a way to squirrel away a nest egg, and definitely get your name on the deeds - it is totally unacceptable for him to infantilise you in this way.
I am a WOHM, but if it is any comfort whatsoever to you, I managed to mangle our family car yday in a car park, DH ranted and raved at me, and said that I am not 'allowed' to drive 'his' car (the V5 is in his name) any more. I am allowing him to cool off, giving him some space, and am considering some remedial driving lessons to improve my parking 'skills', but I know he will calm down once the car is fixed and the dust has settled. We are a team, and without my contribution (which is both financial and in terms of taking the lion's share of childcare), there would be no family.
Oh God, now I'm crying (not sure if more for your situation or in out of pathetic self-pity).

Corp it was an accident love, and it is only metal. yes it is a PITA to fix, but insurance can take care of it.

I agree being told that you are or are not 'allowed' to do something as an equal partner in a relationship is a joke and should be challenged at some point as it's unfair to take the parent/child stance when you didn't act recklessly, it was only an accident.

OP have you posted about this man before? It seems very familiar, the part about him saying he's going to emigrate on his own.

Are your DC old enough to make working more hours feasible for you? I don't blame you for feeling insecure, given his attitude. Gaining some sort of financial independence of your own would be an excellent idea.

DW is a SAHM and our cars have always been in her name even when she was working.

It's referred to as "the car".

I am a SAHM. My DH works from home so we only need one car. It is "The Car".

I think the car is the very least of your problems. Feeling insecure is an awful way to live. I think getting some legal advice to reassure yourself would be a very positive step. Better still, if your husbands learns how things stand legally maybe it will shut him up!!

He sounds financially and emotionally abusive, OP. And you sound very, very vulnerable.

IN law you're entitled to half the family assets, but if he sells the house from under you on the quiet and disappears to this different country he dreams of with the proceeds, getting that half might be tricky. It's happened, by the way. That is what a marital charge against the property on the land register is for.

What do you actually get from the relationship that is positive? His ex can't be to blame now - you've been with him almost two decades! Because as a SAHM myself, I wouldn't tolerate what you describe. You've contributed labour to his career and you still do. You've also contributed financially. So why is nothing in your name? Why is everything his?

Do you know if he has a pension himself? Savings? Frankly, I would start looking when he's out. Because if he leaves, and you don't know about any such assets, how can you claim your share of what is yours?

Using finances to give someone power over someone else is not on.

This.

Is this the same guy who has 2 laptops he doesn't use and refused to allow your DD to use one?

He doesn't see you as an equal in this relationship. Things are his not shared, not the family's. Have you heard of financial abuse?

Does it not worry you that he suspicious and defensive when you ask him about the deeds of your home? Why is he like this? What is he hiding? Or why does he not want you to be on them? It's not normal loving behaviour.

We have two cars, both the same model, both in my name. I am a SAHM. I mostly drive the new car and H mostly drives the older car, but sometimes we swap around as the au pair is only insured on the older car. We call them the red car and the blue car.

I'm a SAHM, I can't even drive yet and it's "our car".

Sorry to hear this, your husband sounds like a bit of a twat tbh.

Dh is a sahd. I have a company car, which is my car. We bought a new car for dh, it is in his name and is his car. We both are insured on both.

Savings in his name for tax efficiency.

Your dh is horrid.

I'm a sahm. The car is in my name. I'm the only driver actually but we put everything into one pot and everything comes out of it so I guess in theory dh pays for it but we consider everything joint money. All the car stuff is in my name. We have equal spending money (whatever is left after bills is split equally). We are both on the deeds to the house etc etc.

Everything needs to be equal if you're a sahm in my opinion, it shows you're an equal contributing member of the team.

My car is my car, his car is his car.

I don't like his choice of car and he doesn't like mine

Despite that, they are family cars. We'll use his for family trips out as is more comfy for longer journeys (I always drive as he drives a lot for his job so hates it and I love it). We'll use mine as a workhorse for big loads.

I guess the point is that neither of us are precious about possessions.

We have two cars, Dh has the little run around car for his daily commute and I have the brand new "family" car because I do the school run in it every day.

I am a SAHM and have been for almost 11 years. I am the owner and registered keeper of the car I drive. Dh is the owner of his car.

My name is on the mortgage even though I don't contribute financially (but I used to when I worked) and my name is on the deeds to the house.

It would worry me if we had something shared and he referred to it as his rather than ours.

The only thing I never touch of Dh's is his desktop computer because it is custom built for work. He is in IT. He even has his own laptop for non-work stuff, the DCs both have a laptop each and I have a chromebook. None of the items belonging to us are referred to as Dh's.

Thank goodness you are married, but I don't think he has much respect for you