mother threatening to tell OH 'what you are really like'?

[bettyberry]

Has anyone's mother ever threatened to 'reveal' things you apparently did as a child?

you see, I left home at 15/16 after nearly a decade of physical and emotional abuse from step dad where my mother let it happen. I was the only sibling to receive this kind of abuse and yes, she let it happen because there were countless times she could and should have done something. Even make me live with grandparents and she didn't. Anyway, Rape was threatened by step dad and that was the final straw for me(it was reported and dealt with terribly. I was accused of lying), not my mother however she had another kid with him! I left and cut contact until she did the right thing and divorced him.

Got back in contact a few years ago and now with my new partner my Mother, who I have been brutally honest with about growing up and how fucking awful it was, plans to tell my partner 'the truth'. Anyway, she is making threats to reveal things that happened when I was a child. Stealing for example. I stole food because I was hungry. OH knows this. Mother spent money on step-dads booze and cigs rather on much needed food. Along with countless other things I did. OH knows, understands and gets that at 16 I was still a child. As he put it 'I was still discovering my penis at that age'

so, my question isn't is this normal. I know its not. I know she is just as abusive and manipulative as my step dad and I am making every plan to cut contact with her ASAP.

But... has anyone else's parent in this situation threatened to tell a new partner 'what you are really like'?

Just trying to get my head around whether this is 'normal' of this type of self serving, selfish parent. I'm wondering if part of it is jealousy. I have a pretty damn good fella with his priorities right, financially stable, spoils me rotten but in the right ways (got to love a guy who buys you your own mini zombie hoard for your office) and gets on wonderfully with DC.

LurkingHusband - He knows everything. Absolutely everything. I made it very clear to him this happened and went through with him as much as he could handle. We do discuss it from time to time. He asks to check facts when something has been mentioned and definitely doesn't let it fester. More often than not he'll put it in an email (if its a big thing) then let me read it in my own time. Which seems strange I know! but it works for us.

wow. I'd cut her off. I can't imagine trying to humiliate a daughter for her private thoughts, and not trying to protect her! I'm a single parent and I'd never put a man before my children. Your mother is fucked up. Sorry.

Did you have to steal to eat when you were growing up!? Your mother ought to be so, so ashamed of herself but I guess she can't allow herself to stop and think about how shit a parent she was, so she spins herself up in to a frenzy of indignation based on what, the fact that occasionally you had some private thoughts!!?? I block her number. Get an internet door bell system in your new house.

She is definitely not a normal, healthy example of a mother. Her grip on the concept of 'truth' is obviously not normal. Your DC don't have a normal relationship with her.
What is she bringing to the family but anxiety?
Can't you get an injunction?

Next time she trips or hurts herself in anyway, call social services and tell them she is a danger to herself and needs to be put in a home.
I'm only partly kidding by the way, I think you need to redraw the lines of power with her.

LitreOfTea - we ate but it was never enough. Think half a can of soup and a piece of bread. I would steal extra from the cupboards. I was doing a ton of sports at the time after school to stay out the house. I was always the one getting seconds when it was offered at school.

When I finally got an afterschool and weekend job More often than not I spent the cash on feeding myself. My friends thought I was crazy showing up to their house and asking to cook my beans on toast before we went out!

CainInThePunting - haha its tempting! she is very lazy, very fat. I suspect she will end up with home help soon enough.

He knows everything. Absolutely everything.

It's the only way. However, forgot to mention, watch out for bear traps where DM plants information in a way to see if it's been shared. Because then you get the accusation of "controlling".

I'm sorry I've not read the entire thread, but yes, my parents have "threatened" me with this.

Only this week after me resuming contact I have been threatened with "social services taking my children away" and "prison"!

My childhood was very difficult and my STBXH has always championed my rebuilding a relationship with them - it's hard for him to comprehend how bloody awful it was, because of course it's not a normal childhood. I send him the emails they'd sent me - he finally gets it and is shocked that they've done this. I finally got them in black & white - no "oh you must've misheard" type ambiguity.

It's shit. Much love to you. We survived our childhoods - we're OK. x

Hi OP,

You've has some excellent advice so far and I too would be telling your mother to please herself with regard to telling your OH 'everything'. She is trying to emotionally blackmail you, let her get on with it if she wants.

Two books that I've found useful: Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth.

If she is hoping that these 'revelations' will shock and disgust your DH then she's right. Just wrong about who the disgust will be aimed at.

There's nothing he doesn't know already,she's trying to wield a power she does not have. Ignore, cut lose and enjoy your life.

So sorry you had such a crap childhood but good on you for not allowing it to define you.

blimey, that's awful. my friend had a tough time with her mother being so cold and neglectful (and playing favourites with the siblings, putting one out in the cold, and causing tension) and she found a book called running on empty very helpful.

I think Matilda is right, you oh won't be disgusted by you, he'll see her for what she is.

good luck op

Sorry to hear this; no child should have a mother like that. I agree you should cut her out.

Congratulations on your lovely relationship.

You sound very strong in your own mind OP which is great. I have heard of toxic parents doing this before. I remember one poor lady who posted a few years ago who had terrible eczema as a child (which her parents didn't bother getting treated) and her dad showed her fiancé photos of her as a child and said "You won't want to marry her now you know how ugly she really is".

I understand your game plan with keeping low contact as possible until you can move however I strongly urge you to minimise (if not completely stop) and contact between her and your DC. This woman cannot be trusted.

You might want to drop by the Stately Homes thread as many of us there have similar sad stories to tell.

She's mentally ill and I wouldn't waste any more mental energy on her. Don't do anything. She has power over you still because you are so distressed. Let it all go

Yes, I was threatened like this, many times. She used to take great delight in highlighting my 'difficult' past.

Luckily my DH knows everything. But, that does not make it right. She sounds toxic and narcissistic.

Go no contact, you won't regret it! It will mean cutting a lot of ties, but you can't live with this toxic behaviour. When you cut out a narc mother, the whole family usually follows. If they are decent family members, they'll stick with you. If they don't (as in my case) you've only lost more toxic people.

Make a lovely new life for yourself without the controlling/poisonous people in it. Good luck x

pocketsaviour I don't either. The entire family is a mess and my child isn't around her when I'm not. In fact, no contact in over a month.

I'm just stunned that since I have a new man its all started again but not entirely surprised tbh.

My siblings are just as bad. They are oblivious to the reality and I think mother is pretty pissed I have been so brutally honest about everything and she's seeking some kind of revenge because her perfect 'motherhood' has been crushed and they (siblings) are being reminded.

yes, I am incredibly vocal about it. I refuse to keep quiet any more and will/have corrected recalled events.

Cut contact now.

Your DP knows everything and knows what your mum is like so he can shoot her down if she starts causing trouble.

I know my story is not as bad but when my DH and I first got together my mum went on and on very time we visited that she had had to lend me money. This was done behind my back. After a couple of years he mentioned it to me. I asked him if she had mentioned the amount which she hadn't. So I told him it had bee less than £1,000 and I paid it back within 6 months. Apparently the way she kept on about it he thought it had been thousands