Rescuing a marriage from abuse

[seriouscoffeeaddict]

I left my husband late last year with my young children, in terms of abuse he ticked many of the boxes, not long after I left I gave him a copy of a post I made on here that detailed much of what he did, so he can't say I've never told him. Since then we've had contact but his attitude has got more shitty as time has gone on, the only difference is now I can see what he is doing and I'm no longer tolerating it and treading on eggshells. Last month I had enough and spoke my mind (which he sees as a lack of respect) and we've only now just spoken again.

I am taking the children to see him this weekend and if I'm honest I still miss him. I know we will talk this weekend but he still sees it all as my decision and not that he was particularly abusive, there is certainly an element of victim blaming going on Do I stand any chance of getting through to him and resurrecting my marriage?

So you have changed, which is good, so you are feeling better, stronger and more assertive (also good). But it worries me that this feeling good means nothing if he doesn't change. Also, you know don't tread on eggshells, so presumably this results in more open conflict than before. This doesn't sound like a good idea to expose your DCs to.

Nothing in what you've written suggests he has changed. What you have achieved is fragile.

you now don't tread on eggshells

The chances of him accepting responsibility for his actions are very low. Therefore the chances of you both working together to rebuild the marriage is even lower. He can easily be on his best behaviour for many months to draw you back in. Im sorry that this may not be what you want to hear.

I'm going to be blunt OP and say no to your question. This man thinks that you having your say is a 'lack of respect' towards him. That is a nasty attitude. It sounds like you have changed a lot but he hasn't.

It's perfectly normal to miss someone after you've left a relationship, even if they were abusive. I'm sure you had some good moments together - if he was a non-stop monster, you wouldn't have stayed with him. It doesn't mean it would be any kind of good idea to get back with him. Those feelings pass in time as you get on with your life and start concentrating on yourself for a change.

No.

The only way you can rescue a marriage from abuse is to rescue yourself.

You've already detailed his abuse to him, but he refuses to recognise it for what it is. If he did he would have to admit to himself that he is an arsehole with problems that need fixing, which would be a lot of hassle. It's much easier for him to blame the victim.

You will never 'get through' to him, because he has a vested interest in not hearing.

On top of all of that you say his attitude is getting more 'shitty' rather than less.

Do you really want to go back to all of this and have to leave a second time?

I doubt it's him and his abuse you miss, you probably just miss being in a relationship, he doesn't even sound remotely understanding of why things went wrong.

Go back for what, it would be exactly the same again.

He is probably just biding his time, hoping you will come back. And he hasn't even had to do anything (or pretend to do anything) to earn your faith

The past is often a fairly good indicator of the future. So far (from your post) even a major event like leaving him and taking your kids, has not moved him to self examime and look to change himself. So why do you think there is any chance he will change in the future?

I suppose I'm just hopeful he can change, really not enjoying being on my own and quite frankly I'm struggling.

He's not showing you that he is wanting or willing to change though, don't go back to him out of loneliness, it's not worth it in the long run.

He seems to think everything that went wrong is your responsibility, you will find it near on impossible to have frank and equal conversations when that is his attitude, never mind actually being able to live together as a family.

That's fair enough seriouscoffeeaddict, there's nothing wrong with admitting that things are tough. Letting go of the hope that things will all come back together the way they used to be is so very tough.

However, this is the time to hold on tight to the reasons why you left him in the first place. Think how much less pleasant your life would get if you were once again sharing your home with a man who has no respect for you.

No. Absolutely not. You'll struggle worse if you go back. He'll know he can do anything and you'll still crawl back.

Learn to stand without him.

Absolutely he will change if you go back... But only for the worse.

Consider long and hard the benefits he brings to your children, if he is showing them how to undermine and abuse you, don't encourage it

Your brain is tricking you into minimising what he did to you.

It really WAS that bad, bad enough to grab every ounce of courage and go.

And he STILL doesn't take any responsibility for any of it.

He will rewrite history over and over, and you will always be the villain. He's a write off as a human being, (and I use that term loosely) he has no value or point in life, not for you, or for your children. He is abusive.

Life will tough sometimes, but it is much less tough than watching yourself worn away to nothing,myopic children repeating the cycle.

It does get better, but never if he's in your life.