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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thinking of leaving my partner

26 replies

Anon1623 · 29/07/2015 21:10

Hi. Sorry this might be a bit rambling..... I've been with my partner 6yrs and we have 2 beautiful daughters. I'm so happy with the girls but find him so difficult to live with. I'm the main breadwinner and we both normally work full time ( I'm currently on mat leave). I own the property (mortgage) and have done since before we met. He pays me rent of about £500 a month that is where he feels his responsibility ends, except splitting nursery fees.... I pay for everything else and any unexpected expenses I have to fix... I'm not so bothered about the money it's just his attitude that he's in charge of the household and I need to tow the line more. He keeps having a go at me about doing more housework and why should he have to do it at all. But I find it difficult with one toddler and a baby to look after. Also telling me that I'm not being a team player etc. I've had to save up hard for my mat leave because he won't contribute more even though I'm not earning at the moment. I'd understand if he didn't have any more but he just used the extra to get a tattoo sleeve done which cost ££££ and got a new credit card and maxed it out on pointless stuff for himself. When I met him he didn't have anything and I've helped him and got him to re enrol on the course he said he'd always wanted to do but he's lost interest and even though he's paying for the course he's not completing it. He's also started so many odd jobs round the house but never finished them (my fault for not buying materials/ keeping the place tidy enough for him to finish).... Complaining he didn't have enough money for Christmas presents so I gave him£100 and he got me a £100 voucher for Christmas.... could go on for hrs! It's kind of comical really.
My friends and family have stopped coming round cos they can't deal with the way he talks to me and just ignores them. The most upsetting bit was when he started getting our 3 yr old to say look there's mummy whenever a elephant or hippo was on TV. And I'm not huge! He totally didn't understand why I was upset and told me I was being miserable.
It's difficult because it's not so clearly awful that I know I have to leave. But I feel myself getting lost. I've tried to finish it and he gives the I've got nowhere to go, you're taking my kids away from me etc and whenever I try to tell him why I'm unhappy he says I am being stupid and my problems are completely unreasonable and pathetic.
He loves his kids and he's not an awful person. He works hard, but never wants to take me anywhere. There is no romance. He just thinks I'm grumpy.
I just need a bit of a sounding board... Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

temporarilyjerry · 29/07/2015 21:15

YANBU and you don't need any reason to finish a relationship other than that it is not making you happy.

demoska1 · 29/07/2015 21:17

I'm sad that you are so unhappy. It sounds as though you know the answer to your problem. If you have tried to talk and he has not taken it on board then he needs to leave so you can "breathe" and make a final decision. He will surely have some where to go. Don't let him pull on your heart strings and worm his way out of it..

butterflygirl15 · 29/07/2015 21:35

he doesn't sound like a very nice person at all! You deserve way more. What would you say to your daughter in your situation? And none of your friends like him? He sounds like an arrogant cocklodger quite frankly and that is plenty reason to get rid. And telling DC you are a hippo - well that is just foul.

ilovelamp82 · 29/07/2015 23:23

I would definitely leave in your situation as you describe it. Women always feel that there needs to be some dramatic reason to give you permission to leave like violence or cheating but what you're living day to day sounds awful. He just doesn't sound like a good man. You describe that you feel like you are losing yourself. This will only get worse as time goes on until he steals all of your self esteem and you feel trapped. The fact that he won't even acknowledge the fact that you're unhappy and the reasons why and in fact shows that he has no respect for you and absolutely no intention of changing (even though when you tell him to leave, he will tell you he'll change - he may even change for a week or 2, but it won't last)

He's a big boy. He can figure out somewhere to live. The rest of the world manages. And you are not taking him away from his kids. His actions have caused him not to be able to live in your home, not stop being a father.

You and your dc sound like you deserve so much more. A happier life awaits for you.

TokenGinger · 30/07/2015 11:15

In terms of money, I feel YABU. £500 is a LOT for him to pay towards YOUR house for which he'd have no right to claim if you separated. When my partner moves in, we've agreed £200 towards utilities (not mortgage) and split food between us. £500 seems excessive.

Alas, that's not important. You're unhappy so of course it's ok to leave, and that is not unreasonable.

Jan45 · 30/07/2015 11:23

How is £500 excessive, to cover his rent for staying there plus all the bills and food, they have children together too.

OP, you more than pay your way, he sounds like a complete user of a man and a horrible insulting one at that, please give yourself permission to kick him out and have a happy and peaceful home with your children.

Jan45 · 30/07/2015 11:25

Token, so your partner is going to pay you £200 a month all in (except food), and nothing towards the cost of living in the house?

So about 50 quid a week to cover all costs, sounds like you are charging too little, if I've read that right.

TokenGinger · 30/07/2015 11:32

Jan - Fair point about the kids but it still seems a bit excessive. Take away the cost of the mortgage which is OP's responsibility, do bills really amount to £1k each month? I'm asking that as a genuine question, too. Not as a challenging question. If so, kids are much more expensive than I expected, lol.

My bills, including mortgage, amount to

TokenGinger · 30/07/2015 11:34

Oops. Fat fingers. They amount to £614 a month - not including my car payment and car insurance. that will likely increase to £700 when he moves in considering increase in council tax and gas and electric. £400 is my mortgage which I am precious about not receiving money for. So £200 towards the remaining £300 for utility bills seems about right to me.

Jan45 · 30/07/2015 11:36

£500 a month to cover: his rent (I don't see why anyone should live in anyone's home rent free), gas/electric/tv package/licence/home/contents insurance/council tax............and of course the cost of bringing up two children, never cheap!

I don't think it's excessive at all, I think you are charging your partner way too little Token tbh, he must be laughing all the way to the bank haha........can I live with you???

TokenGinger · 30/07/2015 11:38

Reading that back, I realise my outgoings may not be representative of the general public and therefore my views might be a bit skewed. Apologies if so, OP.

TokenGinger · 30/07/2015 11:38

Jan - you can live with me if you can season chicken as good as he can? And don't snore as much as he does

notapizzaeater · 30/07/2015 11:40

Have you run his salary through the csa website ?

I think £500 a month is actually a good deal,for him, he should be paying half the bills, food and childcare before you even start on rent !

TokenGinger · 30/07/2015 11:42

I stand corrected. I think I must just be quite ignorant when it comes to money.

Apologies for the YABU further up the thread, OP.

Jan45 · 30/07/2015 11:42

Of course I can season chicken, I'm an excellent seasoner...haha.

Seriously Token, he's staying with you rent free???

pocketsaviour · 30/07/2015 11:47

I'm guessing TokenGinger lives north of the Watford Gap, and OP and Jan live south of it :) £500 a month is nowhere near half the monthly household running costs in the south! Blimey, I pay £700/month in rent alone, and I've only got a 1 bed flat!

Well OP, you say you know what you need to do. You are certainly not being unreasonable, and it sounds like you would have the support of your family and friends.

I would like you to consider what your children are currently learning from this man. They are learning that it's okay to be a nasty bully to women. That it's good to laugh and call people fat (whether or not they are.) That women have to do all the housework and childcare even if they work full time. That there's no need to bother with education. That if you can get a credit card, you can waste the money on pointless crap and then expect a woman to bail you out.

What would you say to your daughter, if in 20 years time she ends up with a man like this?

He totally didn't understand why I was upset and told me I was being miserable.
Please, you're not this naïve. Of course he understood it was upsetting and why - that was the whole point. This man is a nasty piece of work who enjoys hurting others, and you in particular. How long do you think it will be until he starts on the children?

Time to give this prize prick his marching orders. Draft up a letter giving him 4 weeks' notice to leave the property (if you're feeling generous and think you can stand his bitching for 4 weeks. Otherwise, make it 1 week.)

If he starts bitching he's got nowhere to go, that's not your problem. If he wasn't such a massive wanker, he'd have friends and family willing to put him up, no doubt. As for "You're taking my kids away from me" - he can have the normal contact arrangements (one weekday evening and EOW) but my gut feeling says he won't bother seeing them, which is probably to their benefit in the long term.

HelsBels3000 · 30/07/2015 11:47

I'm sorry you feel marginalised in your own home OP, it sounds miserable.
for you and I hope you find a way of moving forward that you are happy with. have you tried counselling together? DH and I are currently attending as a lot of the issues you raised are similar in my household too - with the exception that we probably bring home equal amounts and work equal amounts yet I do lions share of chores/admin/child organisation/ all the cooking etc = massive resentment from me and DH bemoaning that I'm neglecting him

Jan45 · 30/07/2015 11:51

I'm in Scotland pocket.

theQuibbler · 30/07/2015 12:02

Your 'partner' sounds unpleasant and a bully. The elephant thing is horrible, and your friends and family seem to have the measure of him - no one should talk to you like that.

What are you getting out of staying with him? He doesn't seem to like or care for you at all. And, if he is a good father, which seems questionable, but if he is, he can co parent with you just as effectively while not in your house. He does not need to live with you.

It sounds as if you know what to do. It won't be easy, but it will be much better for you in the long run. He contributes nothing and you deserve so much better. Do you have friends that could help you and support you to do this?

TokenGinger · 30/07/2015 12:10

Jan - He hasn't moved in yet but that's what we spoke about and agreed on. Then we'd pay half each towards food each week. I kinda feel like it's my responsibility to cover it all. So £200 extra feels like a huge treat to me.

Yep, in in the North.

TRexingInAsda · 30/07/2015 12:28

It's difficult because it's not so clearly awful that I know I have to leave.

Er, I think it is, wow. Where's the love in this relationship? He's there for his own convenience. 'There's mummy' and it's a hippo? What a fucking cunt!!

I'd tell him to sling his hook tbh. It doesn't matter what he says about it imo, he doesn't care for your feelings, he cares for his lifestyle, which is making him comfortable and you very unhappy.

Jan45 · 30/07/2015 12:32

But it's not a treat, it will cover his side of the bills, it's effectively £50 a week to live with you! That's gas, electric, council tax at least.

Seriously I think you have totally done yourself out of money there TG, rent free - would you let a friend live in your home or anyone else for that. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean he gets to live there for free! it really is a financial agreement you are making, it doesn't have to infringe or have any effect on your relationship.

antimatter · 30/07/2015 12:49

So yo can't split because of his needs won't be met then and now you are unhappy because he doesn't meet your needs.

He can't see how unreasonable he is if he doesn't believe you have right to say how you feel and try to resolve those issues.

girlwiththegruffalotattoo · 30/07/2015 13:02

Yanbu for wanting to kick this arse out of your house, yabu for saying it's not that bad and he's a good person. If he is then he's been keeping it well hidden!

Dynomite · 30/07/2015 17:59

So he treats you like a maid, bellitles you in front of family, makes mean jokes about you to your own children, doesn't do anything nice for you, doesn't contribute enough to family finances (and no, 500 is not enough when you're on mat leave) and goes out and spends money on himself and gets into debt purely for selfish reasons. He acts so badly towards you that your own family cannot bear to witness it. When you told him you were unhappy,he turned it on you and blamed you and called you pathetic. When he fails at a project he blames you for it.

This man doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. He makes you unhappy. He is now teaching your children to make fun of you. He's an entitled arsehole and a joke of a partner.

LTB, he will just get worse.

Be prepared for him to get nasty. And also prepare for him contributing absolutely nothing to the raising of your children. Although I have a feeling you'll be better off without him, not to mention happier.

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