Has anyone else had an unplanned pg that their DH/DP struggled to come to terms with??

[fannyannie]

I'm pg - but it wasn't planned - infact I took the morning after pill which DH asked me to take - obviously it didn't work. He initially wanted me to abort but when I said I couldn't do it he agreed to support me.

Until yesterday I thought he'd 'come round' to the idea of having another DC - but after a long heart to heart it transpires that he's still trying to come to terms with it. Our relationship was a little 'unsteady' before all this happened so obviously this is putting us under even more strain.

I've got my dating scan this afternoon, which DH is coming to, and I'm hoping that once he sees the baby on the screen he'll start to come round.

It was a huge shock for both of us that I fell pg, really 'bad' timing (if there's such a thing as 'good timing' LOL), only just clawing our way out of massive debt and a house that really needs quite a lot of 'remedial' work (such as sorting out apparent damp issues [frown]) not to mention that we work opposite shifts from each other so hardly see much of on another on a 'good' day - obviously this DC3 is going to put even more strain on us - and I'm really worried that he's not going to come round easily to accepting DC3.

Has anyone else been in this sort of situation - and how long did it take for you DH/DP to 'come round' to accepting it - and how did you deal with you accepting it, and starting to enjoy the fact that you were pg again, without rubbing it your DH's face so to speak??

My DP hit the roof when I got pg with DS2. I had just gone back to work, DS1 had just turned one, and we had got through the hardest year, emotionally and financially.

It wasn't great timeing. I had really bad PND, and DP wasn't keen on having another child. In fact, he told me a few weeks before we found out that having another child would be the worst thing in the world.

It took a few months for him to come round, and it almost got to the point where we parted. However, we managed to muddle thriugh, and I think the turning point came when we went for the 20 weeks scan. He didn;t want to come with me, but I made him. I am so glad I did, because he really did start to accept it after that. DS2 is now 11 weeks old, and DP dotes on him, and told me a coupole of weeks ago that having another baby is one of the best things he's ever done

Good luck with your scan btw.

oh that's really hard

my first was a total accident and I didn't know dp (as he was then) very well . He didn't come to the first scan but did to the second. In all honesty, I think he was only really won over once she was born. He never had it 'rubbed in his face' because I never enjoyed being pregnant.

With subsequent accidents, I think it must be harder because you know what's coming! Perhaps he needs a bit of space to come to terms with the way he is feeling. If your relationship was a bit unsteady before this happened, it might be worth spending a bit of time trying to figure out what was going wrong/what could be done to make it better anyway (without factoring in the baby).

I was in this position with DS2. H didn't want any children - DS1 was the result of a late mini pill & it took H a little time to come round, but he seemed to accept the pregnancy after a few months. He didn't take to fatherhood like a duck to water & vowed never to have more children.
I went on the combination pill after DS's birth, as I wanted something more reliable. All was fine for a couple of years, but after a bad bout of IBS, I suddenly found myself pregnant again!
I was too frightened to tell H at first & hid the positive test from him for 3 days.
When I finally told him, his reaction was calmer than I thought. It was short lived though & he made it clear he didn't want the baby & wasn't coming round to the idea of the pregnancy.
I won't go into the rest of the pregnancy too much, as our situation is far from the norm, but I struggled to accept the pregnancy because of how H was reacting & suffered depression.
H did gradually start to bond with DS2 once I brought him home from hospital.
I suffered from PND, so he was kind of forced to step in & take care of DS2.

Now DS2 is 3 years old & he has a very good relationship with his daddy.

My circumstances are pretty unusual though, so I suspect your DH will come round to the idea pretty quickly.

Good luck & congratulations!

Thanks for all your input. It's good to know I'm not the only one with a DH who's supported me in not having an abortion, but is'nt really happy about another DC being 'on the way'.

DS2 was also unplanned - but he was more of a "oh well never mind" - it was me that took time coming round to it.

After DS2 though DH declared he didn't want anymore children and I 'agreed'. I was hoping to leave it another couple of years, when we'll have cleared a large chunk of our debt, and then broach the subject again. And he did say (when suggesting I had a termination) that he wouldn't completely rule it out in a few years time....

He's a FANTASTIC dad to the DS's - infact if there were to be a competition as to who was the 'better' hands on parents with the DS's I think (embarassingly) he would win.

I really appreciate the fact that he's been honest with me about it, but at the same time can't help wondering what I can do to help him come to terms with it - and what it means for us,

Fannyannie,

Coming from the other angle we tried for 18mths to have our dd, 2 weeks before i had her dh decided that he wasn't ready. I think it harder for men to come term with having children.

He will admit that it took him a while to come terms with being a father now he is the best dad ever dd now 2yrs 10mths, and would love for us to have another but it just not happening again.

I had infertility issues then had surgery and got pg with ds1 nine months later. DH was over the moon and doted on his. 2 mc's later ans halfway through an adoption course I found myself pg. DH was not happy. He told me he didnt want more and never really intended to adopt. I never considered anythbusiness ing but having the baby. He fooled me over the adoption which was cruel considering my mc's. He loved ds2 to bits when he was born but the 1st 20 weeks of pg were appalling. I was on the pill when I got pg with dd. He wanted a termination immediately. I had early scans and bleeding and thought it wasnt meant to be so I wouldnt have to do anything about it. By the time I was 12 weeks everything was ok with baby. I had been through a lot that I couldn't face termination. By this time dh had been so cruel I thought to hell with him anyway. He loves her now but still won't have the snip and insists on unprotected sex. It has raised serious issues about our relationship and now we know that ds2 is autistic i think we are just together for the children for the next few years until they are older and things are easier. They are 7,3 & 1.

I dont regret having any of them, if dh had been more honest with me in the early days things may have been different, but c'est la vie.

I fell pregnant 2 years ago and DH couldnt come to terms, so I had to have an abortion. We then planned DS, but when I was pregnant, he found it hard again... it was only really 26 weeks onwards he stopped worrying etc. hes a great dad now, but, he really couldnt get his head round the idea at first, even though both pregnancies were planned to some extent. But, as I said, hes wonderful now

Our second DD wasn't planned and I dreaded telling DH as DD1 was only 15mths old at the time - I knew he'd hit the roof. We'd just got ourselves back into a normal routine - DD1 was sleeping through, etc and then I blew everything out of the water. NOT a happy bunny (he didn't talk to me for days), we had huge rows and I even threw in the A word in the heat of the moment (not that I'd EVER have gone through with it in a million years). He felt better about it all once we'd had the first scan and now he couldn't be without her - he's her 'Babybum'. Funnily enough my MIL gave me even more grief which is another story altogether...

We fell pregnant the first month of trying. His mother had taken years and years to fall pregnant, as ad his brother and wife and several of our friends had probs too. As a result we were both amazed and in shock. I had hoped within a few months, transpired he had hoped after a couple of years!!!
I remember creeping out early to Tescos for a kit, doing the test before he woke and then jumping up and down excitedly on the bed waving the wee stick in his face. His reaction was like a cold wet wave of disbelief and fear over me. I was stunned, posisbly even in shock. What was meant to be this amazing start to our future had gone horribly wrong. I imagined him sitting up, sweeping me off my feet and whisking me off for the day to celebrate. instead we spent the day half in silence, half in stilted awkward conversation. It was awful. He also almost went of the rails a few weeks after, a week before I had a bleed. The rush into hospital and emergency scans helped sort him out and realise that it was a big deal. After that he was brilliant and is a brilliant dad.
Good Luck this afternoon xx

Well I'm back from my scan - good news is that's baby is fine - just the one (thank goodness LOL). DH wasn't going to actually come into the scan with me, well he asked if I wanted him to - and I said yes - so he did.

He didn't say much, or hold my hand (like he did when I had my scans with the DS's ) but part way through he did ask how big it was now - 6.2cm was the answer he was given and he passed a half smile and said that it's been a while so he couldn't remember.

When we got out it was all "I'm sure YOU are happy on two counts (heartbeat and just the one)" but at least he was there with me.

He's gone back to work now but hopefully as things progress he'll come round.

Not me personally but my brother and SIL went through something similar although it was their first baby so a bit different. I do know they nearly split up over it - he was adamant that he didn't want children (possibly ever) and she had a horrendous first 5 months. He wanted her to have an abortion and she wouldn't and said she would leave him before she would do that. He came round somewhere around the fifth month although I think it took till their DS1 was born for him to realise his life had only changed for the better. He is now an adoring dad of 2 boys and wants more (she doesn't!!). It's true she does more than her fair to care for them - he is still pretty selfish and admits it - but they are his world, I know that.

Can't say that I ever thought it would turn around like that...

oh blimey - really struggling with all of this tonight - probably partly the hormones to blame.

I'm wanting to shout it from the rooftops (to those few that I hadn't already told on the quiet ) that I'm pg - but I daren't tell 'officialy' incase they come bounding up to DH with a huge grin and "Congratulations" belted in his year.......somehow I just don't think it's something that he'd appreciate right now.

He's been really sweet and supportive, and understanding of my hormonal behaviour, but I still feel like I'm going through this, my final pg (as he's definitely getting the snip after baby is born) on my own