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Relationships

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Original poster

Has anyone done separate living arrangements with their husband...

22 replies

Mabelface · 29/07/2015 19:27

and carried on with the relationship? DH and I aren't making each other happy. We've been together for 19 years and have lost sight of ourselves and each other whilst being tied up with kids, work and other shit. We've made the decision to live separately, but stay married and to start again in our relationship, dating and getting to know each other as we are know, rather than as we were. It means we won't have the day to day pressures we have now, won't have conflict within the house and will have time for reflection. If it works out, that will be great. If not, we'll separate. We both feel better for making this decision.

OP posts:

MaybeDoctor · 29/07/2015 19:32

I have thought about it as an option in similar situation e.g. renting a flat then each swapping in-out of the family home.

Original poster

Mabelface · 29/07/2015 19:34

Neither of us will stay in this house. We rent anyway, so we'd both look for a house suitable for the kids to be with us. They're older teens, so would flit between us.

OP posts:

Jenna333 · 29/07/2015 21:01

Yes, we did this for a while for various reasons and unfortunately I found that I was much happier without my dh. I realised how much pressure I was under living with him and how much happier without him.

Psycobabble · 29/07/2015 21:06

It may work or you may decide that you enjoy the time alone more than together

However if your at breaking point anyway surely it's worth a shot ?

Good luck

Original poster

Mabelface · 29/07/2015 21:37

Thank you. I know that we still love each other and each wants the other to be happy. I hope this works and if it doesn't, we'll have given it our best shot.

OP posts:

LadyLou30 · 29/07/2015 22:39

this is what we are doing just now although we are not doing very well at it so far. I stayed in the house with the kids and he is renting 5 mins away. so far he always seems to be here. I think we'll have to have a chat to see if we can do this properly.

JaceLancs · 29/07/2015 23:27

Not DH but DP in my case
We have known each other for 27 years
Lived together for 8 years
I had to ask him to move out as his MH and financial irresponsibility were greatly affecting me and my DC from previous marriage
We have maintained separate households for over 8 years now - works for us

FlourishingMrs · 29/07/2015 23:31

And there is making wishing DP of four years should give up his flat to move in with us full time. We have a great relationship

madamginger · 29/07/2015 23:34

I know a married couple that leave next door to each other in a pair of semis. They've been married 40odd years and have lived apart for over 20 years, it seems strange to me but clearly works for them

madamginger · 29/07/2015 23:34

*live

suzanneyeswecan · 30/07/2015 00:01

yes, I find it much more relaxing, without shared domestic life there is nothing to argue about, or if we do fall out it doesnt seem like a big deal because we can both go home and forget about it rather than have the tension of being furious with each other in the same house.

I am a very solitary type so it was bound to be my preferred arrangement

Jan45 · 30/07/2015 10:07

I that that's a really good idea, I think if more couples were able to detach and have space from each other, they'd work out their problems quicker.

somethingchanged40 · 30/07/2015 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 · 30/07/2015 10:19

Something, you'd be best just calling it a day, you might not be the same family again but you will still be a family, sounds like you have checked out of the actual relationship.

suzanneyeswecan · 30/07/2015 10:39

sounds like you have checked out of the actual relationship
For many people cohabitation and relationships are synonymous, obviously there are financial advantages but some of us just can't flourish under conditions of cohabitation.
And let's not forget that it is usually men who get to free ride when a couple live together, I do far less domestic work now that I live alone, I have no idea how much time my partner spends on it. I think he quite enjoys cooking though where as before it was my job?

Roomba · 30/07/2015 11:12

Some friends of mine have done just that. They moved in together after being a serious couple for about three years. It wasn't feasible to live together before that point due to the young ages of their children (from previous relationships), work commitments in separate cities, financial issues etc. But as soon as they were in a position to do so, they rented a house together and moved in, with her two children. His older child was also there for about 40% of the time too and they all had good relationships with the co-parents of the children involved.

I think they realised quite quickly that actually, all living together wasn't really working for various reasons. They are both quite different personalities - she is quieter and enjoys home based hobbies much more - he is very outgoing and is a member of loads of activity groups, does outdoors stuff, is very loud and messy. They work together wonderfully and complement each other very well asa couple, but living under the same room was a great strain for both of them. No real 'fault' of either of them tbh, it just didn't work.

They didn't want to split up, they adore each other, they wanted things to go back to 'how it was before' so that's what they did. This was ten years ago and they are still deeply in love, spend a lot of time together, live two streets away from each other, and are very happy. They don't have any children together though, which I think would affect things much more.

So it can work, but I think it depends strongly on the type of people you are, and the reasons why you wish to do this. It wouldn't work for a lot of people after a while, as they would feel like nothing was 'moving forward' maybe? Or that something must be missing from the relationship if they can't live with each other...

Original poster

Mabelface · 30/07/2015 18:30

We got together very quickly. moving in with each other when we'd been together for less than a year, as he was moving back down south after finishing college, so I followed him. I also had a 3 year old son at the time. We never did the whole dating thing, and that's what we're looking at doing, whilst having our own space and time to do our own thing. He's far more sociable than me, and I adore my own company. I'm actually quite excited about looking forward to seeing him, and getting ready to go out with him. It won't be happening just yet, as we've stuff to get sorted in this house, but more like in 6 months' time. It's good to hear some positive stories here, as we really don't want to split, we just can't continue like we are.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 30/07/2015 18:37

Go for it, nothing to lose, it can work.

PushPineappleShakeTheTree · 30/07/2015 18:48

Ive been with my DH for five years, we got separate houses last year as I found it hard to share my space with his DC once their teenage years hit. It's working for us so far.

Sunflower6 · 31/07/2015 09:15

I have experience of this, I would say make sure that your are both happy with arrangement and that it is on equal terms.

Original poster

Mabelface · 31/07/2015 10:15

We are, and it will be. We're both relieved to find a way for us to stay married.

OP posts:

suzanneyeswecan · 31/07/2015 10:56

?Same here, when we lived together I was perpetually furious with him, it took quite a while for that to dissipate but I feel much more positive towards him now.

Most of the things that made me angry are irrelevant now that we don't co habit.

Arguably our collective inability to ?share a household, to work together in an equitable manner is a kind of failure.

I would say that it boils down to his sense of male privilege, he might say that I am a bossy bad tempered only child who never learned to share and cooperate ?

My life is just so relaxing now, I have so much more 'me' time?, I can do exactly what I like when I like, I don't have to 'put up' with anything:)

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