Relate - What Do You Do When You're There?

[Quootiepie]

Hiya,
Sorry, I think ive seen threads on this before but I think my "case" is abit different...sort of.

DH and I are thinking of going to relate (only been married nearly one year ) but dont know how "good" they are, and what exactly they do. Its £40 + a session, money we don't have "spare", but obviously if its worth it, we will definatly go. Do you sit there and say all the things wrong in the relationship? And say whats wrong with eachother? I had councilling once, and I found it very one-sided - I just sat and told a woman things while she nodded her head. Then I stopped talking and we stared at eachother for about 10 minutes. Not really helpful! Needless to say, I didnt go back. I guess I like being told what to do in a way... rather than just offloading problems - I like to know how to work through them. Is that what relate is like?

Sorry if thats all garbled, it's hard to type what im trying to ask Thanks for reading if you have xxx

I think what might happen is that you will have a session together where you will both be encouraged (one at a time!) tell him/her what issues you are finding a problem. And then it may well be suggested that you have some subsequent session of attending individually.. and further session(s) together again.

It would be very much tailored towards your individual issues/wishes though.

individually? I thought it was all together... id die of noseyness (is that a word??) if DH went in without me Id hate to think it was just us telling someone our problems... I find it hard, and I feel very ... torn open when I do, if thats all it is.

I think it's quite a useful part of couples counselling for each partner to have chance to speak to the counsellor alone. There may be issues that you find difficult to be totally honest about in front of each other and also, it's not always productive for you to vent about something he has done that has upset you/made you angry in front of him.. and vice versa.

I'm no expert but when we had counselling, the counsellor asked us both at the beginning if we agreed to let him share with the other partner anything that came up at an individual session and I think that is very good for men especially. They don't offload easily and in the same way as us and counselling gives them a place/opportunity to talk with an expert helping them to do so, in a neutral setting.

I followed your thread about your recent difficulties Quootie and I think counselling would be very good for both of you. DH may well be able to express his feelings of guilt/anger/grief to the counsellor that he may have been suppressing.. which may have caused his recent behaviour!

IME, counselling is geared towards helping you find a problem and it tends to be "one-sided" since only you have the information to analyse the whole situation. I think it can take some time, ie. more than one session, but the results in seeing how you approach and react to situations is fascinating.

I reckon the first session will always be of limited use because it is basically giving the counsellor relevant information. Subsequent sessions might refer back to some of the issues that you've raised, but I would have thought that the main purpose of marriage counselling is to express how you feel in a controlled situation. I think a lot of problems come from people simply not understanding the effect their behaviour is having on their partner.

I would imagine separate counselling would focus on your own issues so that you can sort them out in your own mind before communicating them to your other half...

I always remember saying to my dh after our biggest ever argument that the thing that upset me the most was the fact that he could watch me be distressed and not want to comfort someone he said he loved, no matter how bad the argument. I think it was a breakthrough in him realising how to deal with me, but I had to basically tell him how to handle me... Men!

I see the point about seperate now... It might get into a competition as whos to blame etc. if we always went in together Basically, I want to get some...feedback? from the councillor though. If say... im too...oh, something or another (I cant think!) will they say " Well, I think you are... I think you should... Try...." or just nod their heads and smile? HOnestly, I need everything handed to me on a plate and spelt out for me... I guess I want to be told how to make the relationship work, and work on what ive been told, rather than thinking "well, I guess I could try this..." because it hasnt worked so far!

The most useful things that Relate told me when we did their "lifestyle" course - at my insistence - was the 60% of arguments are irresolvable (this changed my expectations of what I would achieve by raising issues) and that you cannot change someone else's behaviour, you can only change your own, but if you modify your behaviour, more likely than not, the other person will respond positively. I don't know whether this really applies to your situation since there seem to be bereavement issues on your dh's side, but I found these points very helpful.

Also, keep in mind that the counsellor is not there to take sides and is not going to say whether one of you is right or wrong! I think people tend to look for support from third parties and can be disappointed when it's not forthcoming.

ah - see, I like to be told straight up "your doing this and that wrong..."

Isn't that what Mumsnet is for?!?!

Quootie - I understand where you're coming from with wanting to be told what's wrong - but bear in mind that the counsellor does not live with you or read your minds and can't just state outright what should happen - it's not a quick fix thing.

Every relationship is different so you have to be prepared to come to your own conclusions about what needs changing. The work isn't just in the counselling session, either - you will probably (hopefully) carry on talking with your dh outside the sessions, and you may even have homework to do - separately or together - which will involve writing down your thoughts on certain issues.

I believe they do waive the fee or charge reduced fees if you cannot afford it - they did years ago - but this may have changed. It's worth checking. Good luck with it all x

Thanks. I guess its worth a go... if it doesnt work out, we dont have to go again I guess. I was thinking we would have to go for blocks - like 10 sessions, so that would be upwards of £400, but doing it one by one should be ok

Sounds like you had a less than helpful experience last time round. Was it a person centred approach you counsellor used? This doesn?t suit everyone and some people do find it less helpful.
Relate follow systemic and psychodynamic theories, so tend to be more interventionist, they will ask questions but not judge and you (and your partner) will encourage you to think about things differently (patterns of behaviour etc). But it does have to come from you (with guidance). The reason being is that ?telling? someone what?s wrong doesn?t actually help them change what they?re doing- you have to connect with it. Its no use saying to yourself ?ok well I?ll do this and this differently and it?ll all be ok....? it doesn?t work because you don?t feel or think differently. You need to have what I can only describe as ?aha?? moments were you get a real insight into what?s going on and connect with it. This connection helps you make more meaningful change. Sorry to waffle on, but I was trying to explain what it should feel like- the actual structure of how this happens varies from counsellor to counsellor and couple to couple?and will depend on what they think is useful. I can highly recommend Relate, they have a good reputation and all their counsellors receive rigorous training.

Thanks Ill definatly give it a go