Husband wants to leave me after 31 years

[Kimjayone]

My husband who I have been with for 31 years married for 25 has told me two days ago that he no longer loves me and is wanting a divorce. There was no warning our sex has been regularly and I am completely in shock over this.
His mother passed away 18 months ago and he bacame very depressed.he started a new job and is out with his new circle of friends weekly.which I have been fine with.he stopped kissing,holding hands and hugging a few years ago and I crave affection.he never really has been a affectionate person and just pushes me away im feeling so confused and saddened with this news.I don’t know what to do.
Lynne

was he upset that I had stripped the bedroom? Was it the fact that he knew he would have go decorate ?

No, I think that's just coincidence. He has obviously been wanting to leave for some time, going by what your daughter said.

I understand wanting to put off telling people until your son is back, but it's going to be tough in the meantime.

Has your H given any indication of time scales for him moving out?

I also agree with PPs about consulting a solicitor, not necessarily to start proceedings but just so you know where you stand.

Sorry you have had such a bomb thrown into your life. You do sound strong though even though it's obviously been such a shock. Keep posting if it helps

You're not detached yet so you're still living the old life, really.

I honestly don't think there is AW as we have been together so long that I'm sure it would have got back to me also our sex has always been 3+ times a week just got less intimate over the months but he always made sure I was happy in that department.

That's a myth I'm afraid. Many on here will tell you that they still enjoyed a regular sex life while their OHs were having an affair.

If you read the affairs threads on here, usually the OW comes as a huge shock to the betrayed spouse - often because they were in a long marriage.

Also don't you think its strange that he was still shagging you despite telling your DD a few years ago that he wants to leave.

The fact that he has become less intimate recently is revealing.

Maybe the "OW" is his MIL in the sense that she has stayed longer than expected and her needs/routines are of necessity affecting the home?

If I was with my partner for 30 years and then decided I wanted out he marriage, I'd do the decent thing and move out, have a heart at least.

I also suspect OW.

If he wants to leave he is allowed to. Maybe go and see a grief counsellor?

He went to see the doctor about his grief 3 months ago to be told he could do with seeing a bereavment counsellor, but then got told there is a long waiting list..
Then out of the blue comes a phone call from the doctor this morning he wasn't here as was in work and they said they needed to talk to him urgently.. Even though I should hate him I still worry about him and my mother has been filling my head with she thinks he has had bad news as he had loads of tests a few weeks ago as he has high cholesterol and has been taking stattins for years.so I rang them back knowing they won't tell me anything due to patient confidentiality but I was surprised they told me it was a follow up appointment from months ago about still needing bereavment counselling. I told them I was worried about his state of mind I broke down telling the receptionist what he wants and she made an appointment for him for this coming Monday. Also she listened to me and said the doctors where there for me .I work in a school so have 4 weeks off work so I may go and see them just before I go back if I'm no different.I'm so happy I rang them back but think it's strange they rang out of the blue like that.I am going to tell him in a minute on the hope that he will go as he found it a waste of time last time..
Another thing for me having a strong feeling there isn't AW is that since I had our first child 25 years ago I have suffered with depression. And I found if I kept buying things from e bay I felt so much better about myself anyway so over the years I have become a hoarder and I have never asked him once about any purchases,even large ones like a flat pack kitchen that I got last Christmas.he never got to choose a design..and a few months previous to this he decorated the living room to his liking including colour scheme which is the first time on our marriage he had a say..it looked lovely and so tidy.
I start the kitchen and it all spilled into the newly decorated room ..months on and the kitchen is only half finished and loads of stuff from there is still in the lounge..so i know I have added to his depression as he hates clutter.hoarding runs in my family but his are very minalistic.. For years I have said I will throw out and I have been but it is on a slow time scale..he comes in from work and sees more purchases..I have been reading online about hoarders and it can be a behaviour disorder just like being ocd.since his mother passed away he has been drinking more and more even when we have been out together. He gets up most mornings at 3 am and in work at 7 so I know he has also been sleep deprived for many years..do I know it is bothbof us that have contributed to this failed marriage but its like.my heart has been pulled out as I still love him but obviously he has had years to fall out of love with me.

Good lord. Thought I was hard work.

Sounds like actually there have been a lot of issues in the background even if your sex life has been ok. Is there any point in thinking about counselling?

I do think you're right to move rooms, cancel the party etc. You will have to let him sort his own medical issues, though.

enough wow, helpful and sensitive.

I feel your pain, OP.

I think it would be a good idea to go to the GP as soon as you can - don't wait til the end of the holidays. Explain to the GP that you have a problem with hoarding - there is no recognised DSM category for hoarding, but yes it's very related to OCD, is the current thinking. You do need treatment for this, not because it's made or contributed to your H leaving, but for your own well-being, and for the benefit of your grandchildren.

If you end up down-sizing you are going to have to throw a lot of stuff out anyway, but don't kid yourself that "I might as well wait for that". Start seeking treatment now, otherwise you'll have the upset of the move to deal with PLUS major anxiety over losing some of your "stuff".

I am no expert but this doesn't automatically smack of OW. He said 3 years ago he was thinking of leaving and may have been waiting til your kids were independent. This may not soften the blow but surely it's better than assuming OW? Moving onto you I heartily agree he shouldn't be in the marital bed, and expecting you to make the change, that isn't fair. Take all the practical advice on here and ask about if there's any free counselling services. One of the local churches provides this but it isn't a churchy set up.

Spoke to h tonight as I wanted answers,he doesn't remember saying that to my d 3 years ago but did say that all my clutter has contributed to him wanting out and that is all...he said he has felt like this for years but hoped I would do something about it.his lack of communication didn't make me aware of how deep he was feeling.anyway we talked and I am de cluttering the house ,starting the weekend as getting a skip delivered Monday and charity shop pick up on Wednesday.and he is going to paint the house,tidy the gardens .we are sleeping separately and when my son comes home he is going to have our bedroom and I will keep his and h will stay in our granddaughter room but if she stays then he will have the couch. We have to do this financially as I couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on just my wage aswell as him having to pay full rent.but all spare wages now os going to be spent on the house ready for the right time that we have to sell.I may come across as a very strong person but believe me I am not..I'm sobbing whilst writing this and wake up realising it wasn't all a bad dream and cry some more..but it is helping to type on here.thankyou.x

"The new friends, new job, mother's death, lack of affection etc are all red flags."

What? How is his mother's death a red flag that he's been having an affair?

This situation sounds difficult enough for the OP without postulating another woman into the mix. Perhaps the focus should be on helping her come to terms with what she knows to be happening rather than giving her something else to worry about.

Absolutely, Findo. The insistence by other posters on the existence of another woman - whilst blatantly ignoring other issues - really is unbelievable and unhelpful. It is also blatantly sexist as it seems that only women have the right to end relationships. OP, I am so very sorry for the difficult position you are in.

I agree there is way too much projection on this thread, can't believe someone said his mother dying is a red flag.
The OP has clearly had a few issues which make it clear why her husband has wanted to leave. It would seem that she is a hoarder something which irritates her partner and it would seem that he has had no input over their own home.
Can we leave the cries of ow alone for now and just stick with what we know.

This is exactly what I am going through right now.😔

It seems that your DH is unhappy & some or all of these may be contributing to how he feels ?

50 mid life crisis

Poor communication

Death of his DM, grieving

Your DM has moved in, will she continue to stay or move elsewhere, what are her plans ?

Hoarding

What are your joint finances currently like ?

All of the above is a lot to deal with

Zombie thread from 2015