What I've learned is that the betrayer has to be the "healer" in order for the betrayed spouse to feel loved, secure and trustful again. He has to do the majority of the hard work post affair to regain his partner's trust.
Am sick of people (mainly family members) just telling me to move on and forgive him. This is v. difficult if the betrayer doesn't fully take on the "healer" role - ie. if he half heartedly takes on the role and thinks just being there, apologising and trying not to rock the boat is enough. It's not enough - he has to work harder than that - affection, grand gestures (and little gestures) to make me feel special and trustful again. This is the only way to help the lingering hurt I feel diminish. He has to do this regardless of the state of the marriage before the affair if the marriage is to survive.
He cut off any contact with OW 3 years ago.
We both read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" recently by Linda J MacDonald - which for me has been a Godsend. But he doesn't agree with the principle of the book about him needing to be the healer - he keeps on saying its down to both of us to work together. Which of course in a sense is true but he needs to make me feel secure and special first before this can happen.
Where do I go from here?