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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tricky situation with my Mum and an family 'heirloom'.

35 replies

joanofparks · 28/07/2015 11:57

My Mum recently sent me a silver pen that belonged to her late brother- all wrapped up in tissue like a 'present'. I think she just found it in her house. He died years ago. She adored him and they were very close. However, my experience with him was not so good. He was a renowned womaniser and his behaviour towards me in my teens bordered on abuse. I posted about this here some time ago and most posters agreed that although it was not quite abuse, the touching and 'cuddles' (tickling under my jumper at 16!) went beyond acceptable between uncle and niece. I hated being alone with him. I have never told my mum about that and as she is now very old I don't think there is any point. I do not want his pen though. I wanted to throw it out the moment it arrived. I haven't and just told her it wasn't something I'd use. It's been lying in my study now for months. I wondered about sending it back to her and suggesting she gives it to his son who lives near to her? (My uncle's wife died not long ago too.)

OP posts:
yomellamoHelly · 28/07/2015 13:25

I would just bin it tbh (or take it into a charity shop) seeing as it has bad memories associated with it. Wouldn't want to waste any energy on it. If your mum ever asks after it say you've stowed it away somewhere.

Sgtmajormummy · 28/07/2015 13:30

Charity shop like NSPCC.

CamelHump · 28/07/2015 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Findtheoldme · 28/07/2015 13:35

I think you are making this harder than it needs to be.

Get the address and send to him or wait until she has passed away and send it then or bin it.

You are allowed to do stuff without ask your mother. It's her issue if she gets annoyed about you having a separate relationship with your cousin without her being involved.

I'm sorry your uncle was a pervert. I hope you've had any support you need to deal with it.

Flutterbutterfly · 28/07/2015 13:42

Just forward it on to his son, your mother will never ask about it. If she does just explain you felt it appropriate.

Joysmum · 28/07/2015 13:46

Failing that say that receiving the pen made you think of your cousin and you'd like to get in touch with him. Then say having hot in touch with him you realized it was more important for him to have a token of his father than you.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/07/2015 13:57

Sounds like he was an abusive asshole. Can you imagine someone tickling your daughter under her jumper at 16? What a creep.

Forward it to his son or just chuck it in the bin.

Sorry you went through this. Flowers

joanofparks · 28/07/2015 13:58

Thanks for all the comments.
I've posted it to my mum.
She is I'm afraid one of those people who is likely to ask about it. She is also in touch with my cousin so even if I never mention it (had I sent it to him by somehow finding out his address) then he would. In fact I think he would make a point of ringing her and telling her!

And although she is 88 she could well live for another 5 or 10 years. I don't want it hanging round the house for years, but I don't have the heart to bin it. I thought of that and almost did some time ago, but it would hurt her terribly if she ever knew. Yes, I could lie and say it was mislaid, or whatever, it was hers on his death so IMO it's hers to do what she wants next- not me.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 28/07/2015 16:22

OP: I am saying this out of very genuine concern for you - I wonder if you really are OK with this past period of abuse, and whether you need a bit more help? It's a HUGE thing to be dealing with by yourself.

Like other posters, I think this would be a very unusual thing to get worried about if it were not for the abuse (which makes it a completely understandable thing to worry about), and I think the pen could just be a symptom of how unresolved everything is. It's almost like a kind of inaudible cry for your help: you're protecting your Mum from the awful truth (for the most noble and selfless reasons), but you're also almost courting its discovery and a conversation where she asks you point-blank why you don't want this pen. I'm sure that it's unconscious, but it feels to me like there is a conflict there.

There is no 'right' or 'wrong' to this situation (I don't think it would be wrong to tell her) but I just wonder if it might be better to have that conversation with a trained therapist who is more in a position to help?

shovetheholly · 28/07/2015 16:23

Ooops, posted too soon - just wanted to add that I really hope you are OK. Flowers

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