Help!

[RitaOra2]

I have posted on here a few weeks ago about how my DH is constantly angry and horrible towards me and I received lots of very helpful advice. I feel very bullied and sad. I have tried very hard to get him to talk reasonably with me but it has not proved possible. I managed to get him to couple counselling, but it wasn't as I hoped, because we both seemed to be focussed on explaining what the other person is doing wrong to the counsellor so we still did not have a discussion together. He told the counsellor that I physically abuse him and brought up two occasions where I have pinched him (10 years ago) and hit him in the face with a shopping bag (2 years ago), and this is true. There have not been any other times and I do feel extremely bad that I reacted like this, he was being awful to me at the time, however there is no excuse. The counsellor seemed to latch on to this and said that we had to come separately for the next few appointments because of the abuse. So now my DH has found a new theme and every time I try to speak with him (because I am still trying to make the home atmosphere better) he brings up how I am a physical abuser. Tonight he shouted at me about how I am a physical abuser with my daughter in the room and told her that I had pinched him and hit him. Previously, he has pushed me about 5 times, pulled a fist at my face many times (and at my daughter twice), and badly hurt my finger. However, this is besides the point really because it doesn't change what I have done. What I am trying to say now is that I was thinking about getting a solicitor and saying that he is emotionally abusive towards me, however, he is claiming physical abuse which is much worse and it could completely go against me and might even label the children at risk. I cant change the past and my completely stupid reactions so what on earth can I do now?

And at your dayghter. Read that again. And at your daughter. This is a manipulative man. Get away from him immediately.

And see your solicitor tomorrow

He has not hit me or my daughter, but pulled a fist in a threatening way. I have not been able to sleep with him since this happened and I think this is what has really bothered him. But I cant especially as he has not spoken about it or apologised since and now he just denies it happened. Could he have mental issues? would this make him forget? I know I must sound like a complete loony. If I was reading this post then I would say just walk away. I managed to speak to him for a few mins before he put his fingers in his ears and ordered me out the room, and I offered that we draw a line under everything that has happened, forget about it all and start afresh but with him being more a part of the family, us working together, him helping out more round the house, maybe taking it in turns to cook. He was pretty outraged! He said that the counselling will sort me out and they will tell me what to do and basically I am mad and need a lot of help. I am beginning to wonder if I am.

He sounds awful. You need to leave him. Think of your DD.

Go !!!

Get out NOW. Nothing is worth putting up with what he's doing to you. He's gaslighting you, making you feel responsible for things he's done and trying to make you feel you are going mad. You've made some mistakes, yes, but he's trying to make you sound like an evil witch, and YOU ARE NOT!!

Is there anywhere you can go NOW? Your parents' or a friend's? You really need to get out of there.

did nobody on your previous thread advise against joint counselling ?

this is the exact reason why you do not do it....he now has another stick to beat you with so go him

you mentioned the solution yourself....just walk away

Hi Rita, I remember your previous thread. Sorry this is still ongoing, indeed, by the sounds of it, getting worse. FTR, you've provided a textbook case for why one should not try counselling with an abuser. I know you feel you had to try, but as you can see, it only him made him worse.

It's all very easy for us telling you to leave now, and I do want to join that chorus. Threatening your daughter is a game-changer. You MUST protect her. Not only because I'm sure you want to, but because how it looks. What do you thinks is going to happen if your daughter mentions this to a teacher, etc? The fact that you seemed to do nothing when he was violent to her will almost certainly bite you on the bum. Get her away ASAP!

Unfortunately, if your head is full of fog, you might not feel ready.

But will you promise us at least these things:

1. ring Women's Aid and tell them about all this.

1. get both you and DD down to the police or at least the GP to get this logged. Depending on DD's age, she should talk to the GP/nurse on her own.

1. when you're around "D" H, keep your phone on you at all times with a one-button recording app (there are downloadable free apps), or buy a recording device: there are cheap ones available on eBay or in Maplin that look like pens or USB sticks. Recording another person without their consent is in a legal grey area (and I'm sure there will be others along who will hone/correct me), but I believe the greatest danger you face is his gaslighting, both for your own mental health, and for your worry over how this is going to play out. If you know - KNOW - he really just said that, in that tone of voice, and you can prove it, you will be much more calm and clear-headed.

But, ideally, please leave him now.

I don't know if I can go at the moment. I have looked into it and I am considering it, however, my children are the most important factor and they want to stay here in this house with us both. If he would leave then they would probably cope with that ok, but he wont and I am in no position to make him, I also would not keep the house. I call him my DH because we have been a couple living together for 14 years, but we never got married, so I have even less rights! I have therefore decided to give it a year and re-evaluate the situation then. I am going to overlook his rudeness and laugh it away for now. Obviously one more big thing (especially towards my DD) and I will go, but until then I am going to ensure I don't provoke him, so if I do need to walk then it will be guilt free. All your posts have been incredibly helpful and please don't think I am not taking your advice. Because although I would love to leave, I don't think it is the best course of action for now. However, the last post from PreemptiveSalvageEngineer is very helpful indeed and I am definitely going to do all of those things. I am going to try to improve things but also keep my eyes wide open. I know.....maybe I'm stupid....but I have put up with it for years so maybe one more year wont hurt, and I may even work some sort of miracle in that time (or plan B is to encourage him to run away with the therapist!!). x

You've made your decision, I'll respect that.

But can I add a couple of things to preemptive's list?

4-pack a 'bug out bag' for both you and dd. A small satchel, easily hidden, with enough clothing/medications/essentials for 2 days + copies of important papers. Keep it hidden in the back of a closet or under a bed.

5-If you are not financially independent from this abusive man, please begin to take steps. At the very least, begin to hide cash so you will have money to leave. At the most, get a job.

6-See a solicitor to understand your legal position.

I wish you luck. I've been in an abusive marriage and understand how powerless and 'stuck' a woman can feel.

Your priority should be your children, your relationship sounds beyond vile and extremely damaging to you and your children, do the right thing.

Thank you. These are ideas I can cope with and put in to action so I really appreciate it.

Jan45.....I know, but whatever I do it is bad for the kids. Having to leave their home and rent elsewhere where they cant take their pets and might not be near to their schools. And they would not be away from him anyway. He would still be part of their lives, and mine, so is it not better to try to keep the things they need around them and not take away all of their stability? If he is kept reasonably happy and calm then he hopefully wont react badly, and the counselling might help him. If I genuinely don't care what he thinks of me then I wont get upset by it anyway. I will keep a get out emergency plan and will protect my dds and report the threat as suggested, however he has not been violent in the past so I expect he would have been by now if he was going to. I just thought I would try and smile through the next year and see how it goes. My career will greatly improve then due to current studies and I might be in a better position to get custody if I have to leave.

He would still be part of their lives, and mine, so is it not better to try to keep the things they need around them and not take away all of their stability?

No.

The "stability" they are benefitting from is actually a lesson that it's okay to physically, verbally and emotionally abuse women. Is this what you want your daughter to learn? Do you want her to grow up and marry a man like your partner?

my children are the most important factor and they want to stay here in this house with us both.

Yes of course they do. Children hate change because it is unknown. However, they are children and do not understand that sometimes what they want isn't in their best interests. It is your job as a parent to act in their best interests, even if this causes some short term upset.

Please do follow the steps PPs suggested. I can hear that you are not ready to leave yet but I hope you will be soon. You and your kids deserve so much better than this abuse.

He may not have been violent but he's aggressive and horrible, verbal abuse has been proven to have a more damaging effect on children than physical.

It's no way to live, either for you or your children, pets can go with them no?

I would find it very difficult to not let another person's verbal attack on me not get to my core, also, I doubt there'd be any problem with you having c custody of your children.

Your decision though, do you really think another year is either sufferable or going to make any difference?

but whatever I do it is bad for the kids. Having to leave their home and rent elsewhere where they cant take their pets and might not be near to their schools.

No, moving isn't necessarily bad for the kids. Yes, it's hard to leave things behind, but 'hard' doesn't mean 'bad'. It is very good to get away from an abusive homelife.

And they would not be away from him anyway. He would still be part of their lives, and mine, so is it not better to try to keep the things they need around them and not take away all of their stability

But your home now is not stable. And if he's out of the home they will not be subjected to his abusive behaviour 24/7.

If he is kept reasonably happy and calm then he hopefully wont react badly, and the counselling might help him. If I genuinely don't care what he thinks of me then I wont get upset

But at what cost to you and your mental health? He's hell-bent on being unhappy and nothing you do will make him happy. He WANTS to be abusive and cruel. It's how he vents his anger at the world. Trying to 'keep him happy' even if you 'don't care what he thinks' is an exercise in futility.

however he has not been violent in the past so I expect he would have been by now if he was going to.

Don't kid yourself. My ex never laid a hand on me for the first 6 years we were together. Emotional abuse, yes, but nothing physical for 6 years. I still have no idea what the trigger was or what 'line I crossed'. So don't think it won't happen to you.

I'm not trying to convince you to do something you are not ready to do. I'm just trying to be sure that you have your eyes wide open as far as the truth of staying with him.

Thank you. Just wondering....is it possible that he would put measures in place to stop me being able to go....e.g. getting a dog, getting chickens, arranging a family trip for 6 months time? Why would he though if he doesn't like me? Surely he would be trying to make me go? I feel a little trapped. Does that make any sense?

" plan B is to encourage him to run away with the therapist!!). x" yes you are very trapped what you have said above outlines the fact that you want him just to go away , because leaving him is so difficult for you emotionally and practically .
I would get therapy without him you need support for yourself ....to find the strength to leave him and stand up.for yourself .
your violence towards him all those years ago was a reaction to his emotional.abuse / bullying ...a bit like the fight or flight reaction. Frustration from his lack of emotional support /communication .

He is using a one off incidents of violence (out of character incident) from you to control you keep.you down
At what point will you start getting angry with this man

Your posts make me feel so sad for you. I honestly think that the longer you stay in this relationship, the more he will continue to erode your self confidence and convince you that you will not be able to manage without him and that this is a normal relationship. It isn't, and he is doing real and horrible damage to you and your DC.

And do not let him frighten you into believing he will try and get residence of the DCs because of previous abuse on your part brought about because of provocation. Do you honestly think he would actually want the DC full time with him? He is just threatening and bullying you.

Do not stay indefinitely. You need to make a plan and aim to get yourself and the DCs out and living somewhere else as soon as possible.

This WILL NOT get better and as PPs have said, it may well get worse and move into physical abuse.

No one is saying any of this will be easy, but it will not be any easier in 6,12 whatever months time.

What would life for you and your children be like without him . Imagine how lovely in so many way. Another year !! Sounds like a prison sentence. You don't have to live in a prison you have done nothing wrong

I suppose he could try to make you stay, but he really can't. Why would a dog or chickens make you stay? You don't have to be responsible for them, do you? The same for a vacation. Why should his plans make you stay? Just because he says 'but I planned a holiday' doesn't make you unable to leave. Are you thinking because it would upset the children? Yes, that might make it harder, but it doesn't actually prevent you from taking the children and leaving. There will be other pets and holidays for the children once you are free.

Why should he want you to stay? Firstly, because you are his verbal 'punching bag', you are his 'target'. You are what he uses to vent his anger against the world. Secondly, you make his life 'easy'. His home is clean, his meals are prepared, his children are cared for, he has an available sexual release. You've even indicated that you try to 'keep him happy', which basically means letting him have his way all the time. Why should he want to give all that up? He has the best of all worlds.