Should we try counseling or should I just leave?

[ljd2015]

My husband was a wonderful boyfriend, but since we got married he is impossible and I am beginning to wonder if I should keep trying or accept that it's over after just a few months of being married.

To put it simply, I feel a bit like i am married to an angry 16 year old even though I am 35 and my husband is 32. He has had some work/money problems since we got married, which I have been sympathetic to but since he started working again things are not that different. I earn more (always have, probably always will) and have been picking up the slack financially as well as doing pretty much everything around the house. After several months of huge arguments in which my husband hits himself and smashes things, threatens divorce and disappears all night with no contact I am wondering if i should just give up.

Minor disagreements - usually times when I am hurt by him being inconsiderate or shutting me out - are never resolved but escalate totally out of control. Often I feel my husband is trying to hurt or provoke me (once he drew on my face while i was sleeping, he mimics my voice, says I am too sensitive etc) or has no respect for me - when I tried to schedule my weekend and asked what time he was spending with friends he called me needy and controlling.

The breaking point was that he took a 3 week road trip with his friends - I wasn't invited and he wouldn't really discuss it with me. We haven't been on honeymoon and have no plans to travel together, which makes me feel sad and left out. I eventually found out where they were going from someone else, which really hurt my feelings and while he was gone I realized I am very unhappy. I feel lonely and unimportant and I am basically subsidizing my husband while he treats me this way.

I have been trying to forgive him for this, but so far i haven't been successful because other arguments raise similar feelings. This weekend he threatened to leave because I was upset at him - we were at a birthday dinner with his friends, he asked me to switch seats with him and turned his back on me to speak with a guy he knows. The way he asked me was publicly quite humiliating and i went home before him because I didn't want to cry in public. In his rage threatening to leave, he also threatened to put my belongings in a storage unit he has the keys to on the street.

In calm moments he says that he is depressed/dislikes himself and that I shouldn't take it personally, but often it feels like he hates me. And I wonder how long I can love someone who treats me like this and who hates himself. I hate conflict and these rows are incredibly draining.

Obsidian is right. Counselling isn't likely to help here. I can't understand what "reading about marriage" entails but it sounds like he's looking for easy answers rather than addressing his obvious personal issues (that would exist with or without you).

I've been there - your original comment about an angry 16 year old brought it all back. My ExH behaved very much like yours but with added drink and drugs. I fell out of love with him and ended up having a brief fling - it was an awful thing for me to do and I don't recognise the person who I once was but I was desperately unhappy.

My only advice is look after yourself - take some time to work out what you want and what you are not willing to put up with and don't let him rush you.

Well you can't get a divorce for months yet . So there's nothing to stop him going for personal counselling while you live apart . You will be able to see if he has changed from how he treats you over the next year .

I agree that there's no point in you going for relationship counselling if you are no longer together. And it's not as if you have kids, so need to agree how to split amicably

Sounds like you need to cut your losses and move on. When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!

He sounds horrible and your time with him miserable: cut all contact with him and focus on yourself. He can seek counselling for himself if he wants.

Thanks to everybody for the replies - I really can't face counseling with him. Honestly I have no idea if he would stick with it alone or be honest about his actions towards me. So far he hasn't admitted that he is abusive towards me and I wonder if he actually loves me or just needs me.

He says he has realised he is too dependent on me and has been calling a free crisis hotline. I don't know what that means really but he says he has been talking to them about his anger. He is probably depressed, I don't think he is suicidal.

I will try to stick to no contact. I am married in the US not the UK so don't think I have to stay married for a year but at the moment I am trying not to do anything that upsets or disrupts my life any further than is already the case.

just get rid of this joy sucking parasite

life is too short to compromise yourself for a prick like this

So another insecure man who has turned to abuse once he has the safety of marriage then!

When your answer to the question "what do you get out of this relationship?" Is "stress, misery and public humiliation" yeah it's time to leave.

I've suffered anxiety and depression for years

it doesn't make you treat people like shit.

also, I smell a rat about the timing of the turn as well. I have heard endless stories about people's partners turning horrible immediately after marriage. It's because it's now a pain in the arse legal process to get rid of them. They time it that way.

just get rid of him. No need for counselling. You will have a much happier life.

And you are completely correct that once someone has turned to abuse to cope with their own issues it's over too and counselling for you as a couple will make it into a marriage problem rather than a him problem which will only serve to affirm his abusive behaviour as acceptable.

Options are go back to the marriage and expect it to not improve and perhaps worsen or leave and be happy alone or possibly with a nice new partner.

Please hang on to the thought that you are "reasonable and sane" because if you stay with this man he will cause you to doubt your own sanity.

There's no shame in splitting a few months after marriage to a man who didn't reveal his true self until the ring was on your finger, and there's every reason why should do so before you get sucked into his madness and have dc with him.

If necessary, get your friends round to get him out of your life - and don't engage with him in any post-mortem of what went wrong as the fact that it didn't work for you is more than sufficient reason to end it.

What a happy ending - it may not seem like that now, but you are definitely doing the right thing. I wish I had been able to do that sooner in my last relationship. It started beautifully, then became like yours, then became much, much worse. Gradually.

Try on your own and see how you get on - you sound like you will make your life a much better one without having to carry him with you.

Totally agree!!!!

It is a happy ending.

Leaving a bad marriage so soon is a total success not a failure of any kind!!!

Yes he did blame me for everything. It was my fault and because I was fucked up, & also not good enough. He definitely gave the impression that he wouldn't act like he did if I was just a better, nicer, more realistic oh and definitely more beautiful person. Apparently I expected far too much. And yet it was my fault that he kept failing as I was too successful (!).

I realised that he projected everything on to me and I had somehow become responsible for his emotional life. Everything he did, said or felt was my fault. And it seemed like getting married had made me custodian of his emotions and issues, and whipping boy for all that was wrong in his world. And I couldn't fix it. Not his inside world or his outside world. And he was like a petulant teenager railing at me for the unfairness of life.

He approached councelling as a way to make me do what me wanted (which ironically didn't make him happy even though that's what he wanted. Ffs), and he was aggressive and combative, trying to win. It was completely unproductive and miserable.

When does 'depression/stress' become abuse?

What a very sad existence to accept as normal.

Thanks again, particularly miscellaneousassortment, you are saving me from more pain. I didn't go to therapy with him - he went alone and came out saying that the therapist agreed that what matters isn't just how he treats me but also how I perceive things. He also told me I need to 'control' my unhappiness. This made me so angry I can barely describe it.

So I have now officially given up hope that he can/will/wants to see me as an actual person who has the right to feelings and needs rather than 'wife' who should do/think/feel whatever he wants or face the consequences.

Honestly I don't think he can be that unhappy - he is getting help for his anger but thinks we are on a 'time out' rather than separated heading for divorce. Obviously he has decided that without consulting me but par for the course I suppose. He basically is doing his own thing and expecting to move back in without any real change or discussion. Which is absolutely not going to happen.

I can't file for a no-contest divorce for 6 months so will have to wait until then and hope that he doesn't make my life difficult. I found a Facebook account in a different name that I had no idea about (he left it open on my computer) so I wouldn't be surprised if that wasn't for tinder and finding another poor woman to blame for everything and nothing. The saddest part is realising he doesn't really love me but I suppose I will get over that with time.

Good grief what a twat he is.
So glad you've now given up trying to sort it all out.
His response from counselling just about sums up who he is.
He won't ever accept responsibility.
File as soon as you can and get busy with social events, gym, hobbies.
Anything to stop you thinking about it all.
Well done for noticing so soon and also for ending it.
Totally the right thing to do.

He also told me I need to 'control' my unhappiness.

And of course the best way to control your level of unhappiness is by limiting your contact with him. So in a sense he is right, although not in the way he meant!

I love the way he claims his counsellor said it was at least 50% your fault, what a completely reliable report of events that is.

Take legal advice on how you can separate all finances prior to a divorce being started. Hoping he won't make life difficult is unlikely to succeed - take as much action as you can to minimise your exposure to him and his toxic bullshit.

In a sense he is right, although not in the way he meant!

That's exactly what I was going to say trib!

Control is not the right word, basically that's another way of saying ignore, minimise and deny your state of mind and what your emotions are telling you.

I'd say, deal with your unhappiness. As in, listen to it, and make a change in your life to restore your peace of mind. Exactly what you are doing. Well done and keep going!

Xxx

I feel pathetic for saying this, but I am really struggling at the moment mainly due to my own false hopes. I read some books about verbally abusive relationships with a view to understanding what had happened so I could move on. Then I thought I would try a strategy in one of them, which is basically an agreement where you lay out what has been said and done that can't happen again and then agreements on what should happen.

But then we met (at my suggestion) and I was too afraid to share it with him. When I tried to express my fear of sharing my feelings with him it became a fight because he was interrupting and yelling at me, apologizing in a sarcastic manner. He then denies being angry at all and blames me for seeing him in a negative light the whole time.

I'm starting to feel depressed by the whole thing and wondering how I can last the 6 months until I can file for divorce while he whines about his living situation and presses me to see him and, presumably forgive him and invite him to move back in.

wondering how I can last the 6 months

Stop contact. Immediately, from tonight. If you like, send him one text/email that says "We are making each other unhappy, so let's not be in touch. Best of luck with everything." Then block his number, block his email, block him on FB and any other social media.

This man is manipulative to a very high degree. You do not need him messing with your head and telling you things are your fault and if you'd just stop being a nagging bitch, everything would be okay.

Have you told friends and family what's been going on? Have you got someone you can rely on for support when you're having a wobble? You will doubt yourself from time to time, everyone does, second-guessing ourselves and "What if"-ing is part of human nature. It doesn't mean you've done the wrong thing. You have most definitely made the right choice.

Yes i have told friends and family and I have good friends that I can rely on when I am struggling (my family are spread out in different countries). Nobody in my life thinks I should stay in the relationship so they are a helpful sanity check as well as support.

I haven't been good at no contact and that is really where I need to be stronger, it's just very hard. While rationally I know I have done the right things it is very difficult emotionally but perhaps I will ask a friend or my Mum to come and stay with me for a while.

I'd bet money that the following scenario happened

Counsellor: our time is up now, let me open the door for you.

Ex-arsehole blocking the door : but I haven't finished talking! My wife goes on about how unhappy I make her Blah blah blah !!!

Counsellor: hmm. We are all responsible for our own happiness (secretly thinking "I will be happier when you leave for example, if this bloke comes back it wil be a long road") while cajoling him out the door - or other bland comment about personal responsibility

You sound great. You're clearly taking responsibility for your own life and engaging with processing how crap your marriage is. Try very hard to limit contact, it will fuck with your growth and self esteem.

Well done, OP. Now you need to fill your time with activity, lots of physical exercise would be good, to get you through this last tough bit.