OH can't handle my illness 😔

[fassbender]

Just that really. Been together for 13 years, married almost 10, two DCs aged 7&5. I already had MS when we got together but it was described by my Neuro as 'benign', however over the past 3 years it has turned progressive and now has a massive impact on my life and mobility (have to use crutches/wheelchair). OH just can't handle the changes it has made to our life - I struggle with everyday tasks, have major fatigue etc. I am so scared for the future, any advice or experience welcome.

I can assure you I'm neither snotty nor a victim.

You carry on making up your own little world of what I am actually saying, hopefully others will read it as its intention was meant.

Both men and women are entitled to find the carer role hard. It is hard. And one of the hardest things is that, if you bail out because you can't stand any more, you are subject to ferocious condemnation for abandoning your sick partner. Even if (not suggesting this is true of OP) your sick partner was always a bit of a shit to you and has got worse, or if the relationship had pretty much run its course around the time the partner became unwell.
I think pointing out that it's not just understandable but perfectly OK to feel like shit when your partner becomes irrevocably, incurably ill, is very important. As much practical support as possible is necessary - time-saving stuff, help round the the house etc. Not guilt-tripping and inducements to martyrdom.

I agree with Grays Not everything has to be turned into a gender issue.

I know it is bloody hard for my DH. I am disabled and unable to work. My DH works full time and is my carer.

I know there are things he would like to do, hobbies etc that we used to do which just aren't possible.

Illness etc is hard for everyone, not just those with the disability or illness.

Unless you are actually in that situation, like most things it is hard to know what it is like. Huge life changing adaptations have to be made on both sides.

Saying things like 'not 100% comitted* doesn'the help anyone tbh.

I can only go on my own experience, my father and myself and my family all looked after my mother who spent the last five years of her life confined to a bed, I know how hard it was for my dad (and us), I saw him break down many times.

He never made my mum feel bad for being ill though and I think the OP has to be careful that she doesn't end up in a situation where she also carries the burden of her partner's resentment, she's not bed bound, he sees his friends regularly and plays in a band, he's resentful of the OPs illness preventing them from going out socially together, it's a completely different level of care compared to what my father undertook.

I do think in relationships, most issues are gender related unfortunately, as we do not live in an equal society, it was a general perception, not an attack on the OP whatsoever.

As I said up thread, they both could do with some help from outside agencies/support groups.

No, pocketsaviour said men find it harder to talk to people. I disagree. It's a hard thing that people find hard and i don't think the op should go down the road of listening to people who tell her to give him special allowances because he is a man.

My whole point was that it isn't a gender issue. It is something that people find difficult and I don't think it should be made into a "oh well you know how hard it is for men to deal with things like this, as the woman you need to help him/expect less from him because, you know, he IS a man" thing.

Having a penis may mean that some people expect less from you, it may mean that you expect to have less responsibility but that certainly isn't reasonable.

I find it interesting that disagreeing with a comment that men should have less expected of them than women because they are in some way less capable than women is me making things 'a gender issue'...

I think it's bad enough that the op would feel guilty and responsible for having an illness/disability that is beyond her control without being made to feel responsible for handling her partner's reaction to it. He's perfectly capable of making his own choices and taking responsibility for himself. Having a penis is not some kind of disability.

I Really don't see how having a penis even needs mentioning on this thread. As I mentioned on an earlier post I am following a thread about a lady struggling to cope with/accept a disabling disease that her husband has got. Her husband is coping better with having it than she is about facing it and helping. It's nothing to do with sex. My husband copes much better with his mother and her dementia than his sister does. It's not a competition. Everyone is different and reacts/copes/expresses things in different ways. It's much more than a bloke not stepping up to the job.

No, neither do I. Don't know why pocketsaviour thought it was relevant well I do but.

, I'm wondering just how helpful some of this is to the OP who has come here feeling scared and looking for support.

One thing that occurs to me is that changing your own reaction may reduce your guilt. Ie he says he wishes you had more energy,instead of apologising I hope you say, 'yes, I wish I did as well.'

For those debating carer's roles, it's not just caring our DH's are doing. It's shouldering guilt, shame (can't make it better, should be nicer), resentment, the burden of needing to prop things financially,fear for the future, the lions share of childcare and household chores and much more. Slightly impatient or thoughtless people remain just that way, nobody transforms into a saint the day the shit hits the fan. Some mutual understanding goes a long way and that isn't aimed at the OP, I'm sure she understands full well.

Rather than LTB (which I'm assuming you have no intention of), I'm still finding it best to work together, do our best and suck up the occasional eye rolling when I ask for just one last thing...

Glad you had a chat and sorted things a bit. Keeping talking has to be the biggest help of all.

I became very ill whilst married and at one point very disabled, I regained some mobility but have been left with many physical problems. Whilst married my H was very hands on around the home and took on all chores.
I lose count ofthe amount of times people told me how lucky I was, what an amzing man he was for doing everything for our home. So many times people said 'not many men would do what he's doing'.
I often wonder if people would say the same to a female carer, I have never heard it said.
OP I have a debilitating condition which affects my mobility and am fatigues most of the time. I'm now divorced living with two little ones, the go to their dads regularly so I do get a break but work, childcare and housework really take it out of me so I do empathise. I think you have to keep talking, call in favours from others. If you can, employ a cleaner, I haven't done this yet as money Is tight, ex h wouldn't let me as quite controlling but it'd take burden off you And your H a little bit, and as others have said, join a support group you'll find so many ideas for how to make things easier at home.
All the best,

Thank you again all. I didn't mean for this thread to be turned into a gender issue, I have no idea how I would react if the shoe was on the other foot and it was DH who was poorly. But it has really helped me to hear from others in the same situation and I will take on board your advice, so thank you. I am in the middle of applying for PIP and have joined a few MS forums to 'chat' with others in the same situation.