MIL coming to stay: Strategies please!

[lilypink1977]

I know, not another mother in law thread!!!!! Apologies but I'm sooooooooo anxious. My MIL is coming to stay for the weekend. We have a very hostile relationship. Shes said and done some awful things to me over the years. To cut a decade long story very short we've not spoken since laSt summer when she was going to bin off my kids (we live 6 hours away) in favour of going to the cinema with her other grandchildren. Myself and hubby both told her in no uncertain terms that we weren't happy, that she makes no effort with our kids etc etc she promised she'doesn't change. Nothing has changed. Why she's coming to visit is beyond me. But what I really need is strategies! She's staying in our house. I can barely look at the woman. I just don't know how to be civil with her. Anyone got any tips?!!!! Surprise, surprise she's bringing her other grandchildren (my kids cousins) so that's a distraction but apart from copious amounts of wine I'm at a loss as what to do not to just blow!!!!! Or cry!!!!! Or be a bitch!!!!!

Why on earth is she coming to STAY with you?! Who invited her?!

If your DH did, can't you leave him to deal with her? And if she's invited herself, can't you just say no?

I'm snorting very cheerfully at Disgrace's suggestions.....

ignore me completely, there was only 1 reply showing when I posted.....

Thank you all for replying. Thank Atilla etc you were all of course quite right that all H heard was background noise!!!! I've ordered the book you suggested and told H in no uncertain terms the conditions to her visit..... He just doesn't understand how I feel and how to deal with her. I think I'm going to arrange to be out most of the weekend. By the way she invited herself and H didn't say no!!!!! I am/was livid!!!!! It's definitely a problem between us that's been going on for years and years.

I think she is bringing the other GC's as a shield. Hard for you to 'pick' on her with them around. Just keep busy - invite friends around too so you have a 'shield' too xx

If the problem is not spending time with your DCs, why on earth bring the other grand children with her?

How about playing Mil bingo - and make sure you very obviously shout bingo and cross things off your list of her predicted bad behaviours or bad things she'll say...

Works because it takes her powers to hurt you away - by turning her into a game and being able to predict what she says, she becomes something ridiculous rather than with any power...

Ha! I do tend to do this anyway as she has a standard set pattern with me:
Fri- some degree of civility lulling me into a false sense of security that finally she's changed her ways.
Sat- Openly criticises me and everything I do from loading the dishwasher, my food to my hair or parenting/widely duties!!
Sun- complete hostility. Ignores me completely! !!!

'MiL, not in front of the children, please, it's not exactly what they should be taught is a reasonable way for adults to talk to one another' might be another phrase worth practising?

Or "fuck off and don't come back"

Hang on a mo;
You and DH had a go at her for NOT interacting with your DC.
You live 6 hours away

See it from her perspective.
She loves her son. (Presumably)
She loves her GC (Presumably)
She knows you want her to spend more time with her GC.

What is she supposed to do?

No, she clearly doesn't like you much but the feeling is mutual so no surprises there.
FWIW I think she doesn't want to be with you either and is why she is bringing other GC as a distraction between you and her.
Yes I know she is probably mindlessly thoughtless in her comments but you can be the better person here. Yes be as absent as you can. Don't respond or get annoyed (at least not visibly).
Is it worth taking her off for a private chat somewhere and the two of you have a degree of honesty and try to find some common ground?

notrocketscience did you not read that MIL binned the OP's DC's in favout of taking her other DC's to the cinema.
Very strange way to show your DGC's you love them

I did read it yes and clearly MIL has not behaved well. I just wondered if there was a better way of resolving some of the issues than outright hostility from both sides.
MIL is still a mother after all and to cut her off from her son seems harsh but this is what effectively is happening.
Perhaps I am just too hopeful but everyone has a nice side too don't they?

She can't even spend a weekend in her GCs' company without bringing the preferred GC along too

With the second-day inevitable barrage of criticism the way I'd probably do it would be to just smilingly non-respond to everything. "Do you really think so?" "That's interesting." "Ah, that sounds like a good way of doing it." Whilst carrying on doing it your own way. The very epitome of passive aggression. It will drive her completely nuts. So satisfying. And then on Sunday she leaves early in a huff because of your attitude. Result!

Yeah, cos mil's actions and contempt for op just ooze affection......

Is she repeating with her DGCs what she started with her DCs.
Was DH the black sheep (which he doesn't like to acknowledge?) was someone else her favourite, did the favourite act selfishly like she does?

If this is the case then it is not you or your DCs which is the problem but the past. Which you can't change. Just remove contact. If you don't mention your DGM or cousins to your DCs they won't feel they are missing anything. If you make a fuss about what treats they and she are doing together they will. Just look after your own family.

Notrocketscience believe me over the years I've tried every strategy going on rationalising her behaviour, being the bigger person, ignoring her behaviour and lavishing attention on her. We've even had a heart to heart when we've openly said we don't get on and let's make things better but it all goes back to square one.
Annie get. ... I love your suggestions! I'm going to try really hard not to get aggravated and be nauseatingly nice to her!!! I'm off out with my girlie friends on Sat evening so will just keep focused on that- and the massive buckets of wine we'll be drinking!!!
Scrooby do. . My hubby is her favourite!!! We never mention what she does (or doesn't do) to our kids. I haven't even mentioned she's visiting yet in case she changes her mind last minute! Luckily they're oblivious to her and they get on remarkably well considering she shows no interest in them ????

What Scooby wrote and this part of her comment bears repeating:-
"Just remove contact. If you don't mention your DGM or cousins to your DCs they won't feel they are missing anything. If you make a fuss about what treats they and she are doing together they will. Just look after your own family".

Unfortunately rocketscience you can never reason with someone like OPs MIL who is at the very least unreasonable. Its her way or no way as far as she is concerned. Such people like his mother really do not possess a nice side to them. It is very hard for people who have come from emotionally healthy families to realise that but the fact is that there are people like this and MILs behaviours are not untypical of emotionally unhealthy disordered of thinking people.

OP - what does your DH think of his mother now post this visit?. He seems very much in a fear, obligation and guilt state with regards to her anyway as he did not say no to her visiting. She must never darken your door again. You need to apply and maintain firm and consistent boundaries and honestly no contact between you all is the best option going forward. It also does your children no favours at all for them to see you as their mother be so denigrated by their nan (who also favours other grandchildren). She was not a good parent to your H and is an awful example of a grandparent to your children now.

Re your comment:-

"My hubby is her favourite!!! We never mention what she does (or doesn't do) to our kids. I haven't even mentioned she's visiting yet in case she changes her mind last minute! Luckily they're oblivious to her and they get on remarkably well considering she shows no interest in them".

Three massive problems right there. I doubt very much that he is her favourite. You need to start talking to him frankly about the effects she has on you and your children. You may want to believe that they are oblivious to her but they are truly not, they also see the favouritism of the other grandchildren and how she treats you.

Your DH was the scapegoat within his own family of origin and that same crap is being actively passed by her onto your children who are also now being scapegoated. You absolutely must protect your children from such malign influences and your DH really does need to grow a spine when it comes to his mother. His own inertia is simply hurting him and his own family unit.

Attila, my DH was the golden child. However,she did/does not like me. Our DC were not golden Grandchildren but his scapegoat siblings DC are!
Scapegoat sibling dances attendance on her. The particularly golden GC and our DC as adults have little to do with her(duty visits) whilst sibling of particularly golden GC is nauseatingly all over her(physically).