I don't really know where I am going with this, I don't know what I need from writing here. Maybe justification because I am the feeling guilty type who assumes responsibilty for everything, all the time.
He is an alcoholic, I know that, he knows that and I have had enough, my dd knows it and I want to leave for her and my 1yr ds as much as anything else.
I thought I could cope with his alcoholism, but he drinks from when he wakes to when he sleeps, or from when he finishes work until he can't keep his eyes open. There is no family-ness at all. It's like the children are just there for him to parent when he wants to. He spends all his time in a separate room, drinking and doing whatever he wishes.
I will admit that he works 40hours and pays almost half the bills, and I am just a sahm. We have a joint claim for tc and every penny I get (goes into my account) goes on bills. He always says "take whatever money you need" but thats just it... I don't NEED anymore and struggle to justify wanting to spend £10 on the dc to go out somewhere.
He isn't a complete arse all the time, but I can't communicate with him because there is never the 'good time'. He will say talk to me in the morning when I am sober, but doesn't want to talk straight away, so he does what he wants for a bit (and drinks) and I approach him again he says to talk later. Later he is drunk so he can't handle what I want to say, another day is wasted and the kids are miserable. He says talk in the morning.
The next day he will be working, so its "talk to me after work, I'm trying to get ready" and when he gets home, he starts drinking with "don't hassle me as soon as I get in the door, we'll talk later, work is stressful."
In effect I gave up trying to talk to him at all. Everything I do is wrong, he is the one who "goes to work and pays all the bills" so I don't have a leg to stand on. He is the one who earns his time to relax, I just get to have the happy holiday of caring for the dc, managing what finances we have (he won't even withdraw the money and give it to me, he says he gave me the simple task of getting it out, so when I casually asked him to grab it while out (as I needed to pay the rent) I got an earful because I couldn't do this one simple thing) I do all the cooking and cleaning, make his lunch everyday and get him up for work. Iron his clothes each morning and, stupidly, go to the shop whenever he want beer.
I know I have changed in the way I see him since we got together, I used to be a complete neat freak who loved cleaning. My motivation has gone. I used to love living, laughing and having fun. But my passion has gone. I used to be imaginative with dd adventures and days out, activities indoors etc but even that I can't seem to do anymore.
Anyway, once in a while the things I do wrong obviously niggle at him and then he loses it, gets verbally aggressive, shouty, impatient, he thinks he is the only one who is right and the only one who works hard and I am the devil incarnate.
I love him, I know there are redeeming factors of his, but in my fog of feeling emotionally abused last night, I can't put my finger on any of them. He is at work now, but my day is marred, the dc are irritable and the beginning of the holidays is ruined.
I don't have any family to talk to, and the only friends I have don't understand and just put him down which is not what I need. I need to talk to somwone properly. Someone reasoned, I don't even know why. I guess because I am lonely. I am sorry this is so long. It probably doesn't even make sense.
I just want to leave but he refuses to remember what he says the night before, then acts normal and if I don't submit and act normal too it gets worse, but if I do act normal then I am just waiting til next time.
What a mess 