RELATE counselling

[HoldMeDown]

Does anyone have any experience of going to these sessions to fix their relationship/marriage?
I've heard mixed reactions so far...

morethan your "D"P sounds like a selfish cunt. Sorry you were so unlucky with the shit counsellor, but... with the best counsellor in the world, would he really have changed?

Didn't help us at all. We did Relate - previous DV that they were aware of but their 'checks' consisted of asking me if I thought he would ever hit me again. I said I didn't know. That was enough to go ahead with the sessions.
The counsellor was useless, he charmed her and she fell for it. It was horrific. I always remember one occasion when the two of them sat there and had a discussion between themselves about how my hormones affected my moods (not that he was an abusive cunt, oh no).
When our sessions finished I begged her for more as I said enough hadn't been done (she refused). To top it off he then saw the whole thing as a tickbox exercise and went back to being as bad as he'd even been. He had his validation from her and ever since has always used the counselling as 'proof' that the problem was me. I left him eventually.

So my experience was not positive. But in a non-abusive relationship I can see it might be of some use.

There is a clear pattern emerging - for abusive relationships, Relate has been worse than useless (made things worse not better). I can understand now why they don't see couples in abusive relationships - but it sounds like some of the "counsellors" need to get much better at recognising when it is abusive!

I still think it can be useful if the relationship isn't abusive but has just encountered issues. If the counsellor isn't good it could just be bad luck, you could feed back to the organisation and request someone else.

Both partners need to be 100% honest. It didn't work for my relationship because my ex did not mention he was cheating on me (and had been for 4 years). There must have been emotional reasons that maybe we could have worked on. Instead he focused on making it appear that I was unhappy and he didn't know why. And I wasn't truthful either. I held back really describing what was happening and how I felt. At the time I didn't recognise what he was doing as abusive and controlling behaviour. I was really trying to not be 'selfish' and to 'give him space' to speak about what was wrong. I should have just said what was going on. So as it was a total waste of time and money and he has since repeated to everyone that he 'tried' counselling

...sorry didn't finish.

After we broke up, I realised how abusive it had all become (I.e I wasn't allowed to look at him, cross my arms or legs or face him directly when I spoke to him at home. And was not allowed to ask him questions) I went back to there counsellor. She told me that I was complicit in the abuse. So...I think she was rubbish too.

Also he said that the counsellor was always on 'my side' therefore adding to the list of things which are terribly unfair on him-

Hi relate are not the only counselling service available. I went and the therapist was ineffective. Looking back he was probably a trainee or newly qualified. We only went twice and it was £100 a time. We have seen Family Therapist. They look at issues which you both bring from your family of origin and help you see where you are both coming from. Relate is always qjuoted for relationship difficulties. It's also whether you feel you can work with the therapist. We have been seeing this family therapist for 8 sessions. He's helped us identify the current issues which are a lot. We both come from very dysfunctional families and have got different triggers for conflict. For me there are too many to change and a lot of damage has been done. We both have abused each other. My husband has been physically abusive and is controlling and I'm controlling in my own way. It's very difficult when two people come together from these pasts Its been 6 years. My husband won't leave and I have nowhere to go. We have no healthy family support. Anyway don't just look to Relate also check out Family Therapist or systemic family therapy. Thanks

Mary, if your husband is physically abusive and controlling, and won't leave, you need to leave him not go to counselling! Please consider calling Women's Aid for their advice.

I'd like to do relate or something similar but the issue is how we'd ever find a time when both of us could be out of the house at the same time in the same city. (This may be part of the problem). It's utterly impossible. Do any of these services come to you? Relate said they didn't do house calls.

11 years ago I had 12 weeks counselling with my then bf. I knew it was me who had the problem and I wanted to go alone but Relate refused and said we had to go together if it was a relationship issue. Fast forward to 2 years ago and I had a similar situation with DH - this time I went to a local counselling foundation who were very happy to have me on my own and I found it very helpful to talk through all sorts of issues about me and my life, not just about my marriage. It wouldn't have been what I needed to have DH sitting there too. Now much happier!

Yes another Emma I know what I need to do but there are complications but i will call womans aid today to see if they have any advice.

Effelunt go on the CounsellingDirectory website and you can search for therapist in your area. The one we have seen would do home visits so its down to the individual therapist. Thanks

We went a couple of years ago. DH was very reluctant but I pushed him into it as it was either that or a divorce lawyer.

She was lovely, didnt take sides and tried to be very even between the two of us. She tried to deal with our constant arguing, it did help but we are still arguing a lot now, and mainly because she skirted around our main issue. Which was my desire for another child and DH's reluctance to even think about it. We did discuss it briefly in her sessions, but she would tell us to go away and discuss it more which of course we couldnt without argueing.

Her sessions would bring us closer afterwards but this would only last a few days before problems rearose. Im not sure now how much benefit it had, but DH is very much a creature of habit and head in sand. So our lack of dealing with the main issue has continued to rumble on with no further forward except I am now reaching the age of no return and have continued to build a lot of resentment.

In summary, I do think Relate, like all counselling, is entirely dependant on getting a good fit for your issues and of course doesnt work for abusive situations.