Odd breasts stopping me from dating

[PiazzaDelPoppolo]

Hello,

Not sure if this post should be in relationships or elsewhere. Sorry if it's in the wrong place - this is the first time I've posted.

I am single. And have been for nearly three years. Id really like to meet someone and want to start dating again. I'm 36 and would like to settle down and have a family.

The problem is I have assymetric breasts. I don't mean they are slightly different, I mean one side is a DD and the other an A. So it's kind of 'embarrassing bodies' territory.

I don't want surgery to fix them as I would prefer not to go under the knife. The issue is that it's stopping me from dating as I am pretty self conscious naked as you can imagine. Also, I never know when I should tell a potential partner about it - too soon and they run for the hills, too late and it turns into a big scary secret I have to blurt out just before sex.

Has anyone else got any experience of either the same condition or maybe a hidden 'problem' that gets in the way of dating and can offer advice on how best to handle it?

TIA

^sorry, sleep deprived I have repeated myself excessively
*bans internet past bedtime

If you consider surgery (no commitment, just enquire) go to your GP. They will refer you to a breast surgeon. You will probably have to wait months. Then you will get the information you need to make a decision, even if you rule it out.

If you are really self-conscious you could keep your bra on for the first few times until you feel comfortable? No man would mind that. If the difference is very noticeable I would say something before you strip off completely but find make it a big deal.

Don't make it a big deal I mean.

Thanks. Lots of good advice.

I've made a doctors appointment to talk about surgical options. I have spoken to the GP about this in the past but decided against it. However, it feels like it's now stopping me from being happy.

I'm also going to try and make the leap to online dating. Although quite frankly that's terrifying but nothing ventured nothing gained.

I do worry that surgery will result in them looking worse, cause medical complications of that it will be really obvious. I'd like it to be as discrete as possible.

drlego I think your suggestion of yoga or swimming is a great idea. I'm unhappy with all of my body not just my breasts. Getting fitter and more toned can only be a good thing.

goodbyemylove yes you're right - any waiting period would give me time to think long and hard about it. It's not like I'd have to decide within a few days.

honeydragon

If it makes you feel any better, I have asymmetric fanny flaps and a saggy tummy. Dp still decided he wanted to sleep with me, stay with me for 7 years and have a child together. If the man is worth your time, it won't matter at all.

What you need to work on is your confidence. you should believe that any man is lucky to have a relationship with you because of your personality. Your body is irrelevant really. A real relationship is about a connection of the minds. When that is real, imperfections mean nothing.

Well OP, I had breast implants when I was 27. Since the age of 17 I had no confidence. I hated my body. I was a pear-shaped size 12 with 34aa boobs. People actually msde comments about me in pubs, especially guys. I know that they were just horrible but because I was so self conscious I believed what they said.

So after 10 years I made the decision to do it. Over the 10 years I looked at the risks and the costs etc. My boobs were so small that the surgeon had to put the implants under the muscle so they wouldn't be seen.

My breasts are now 34dd. No-one who didn't know me before would know that I had them done. My top is now a size 12 like my bottom. People are really surprised when I tell them I've had the operation because I'm now finally in proportion.

BUT I now have no feeling in my breasts which is one of the risks. The only feeling I have in my nipples is occasional pain, nothing else. Would I do it again? Absolutely!

My confidence has soared.

No-one looking at you will know you've had it done, but read all about procedures if you go down that route and take note of the very real risks...

I know the issue for you here is specifically asymmetry, but honestly OP, women absolutely everywhere can relate to feeling anxious around being naked with a new partner.

I have given birth to and breastfed three children, as well as having an operation to remove an ectopic pregnancy which left me with a scar almost identical to that of a C-section. My breasts have lost any semblance of fullness and the skin on my stomach is wrinkly and loose looking. On my darkest days I cannot even contemplate ever being able to have a physical relationship again

And yet. I'm a fit size 8. I weight train and eat well. A man said to a friend of mine last week that I was one of those people who made others not want to step foot inside the gym because they were "soooo perfect." I was mortified. This man does not know what I look like underneath my bra and my clothes. He doesn't know that I sometimes look at what I feel is my ruined body and could just weep. That I sometimes wonder whether I will ever enjoy sex again.

I don't know what the solution is. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that feeling we aren't good enough is a common problem. Your breasts are asymmetrical, another woman feels her cellulite is revolting, yet another woman feels she is "skinny" and unfeminine. Ultimately the problem is the same IYSWIM: patriarchal beauty standards and what we perceive as our failure to live up to them. None of us are immune.

What flanjabelle said.

Ive been told by two doctors that no amount of excersise will help my loose skin and only surgery will put it right.

Its not hanging around my knees or anything like that but it does affect my silhouette which is a bit unfair after all the effort ive made.

I dont really want surgery though so ive learnt to live with it.

: patriarchal beauty standards and what we perceive as our failure to live up to them. None of us are immune

THIS!

Wise words fishfingers

I'm so glad I posted on here. I've been avoiding dealing with this issue for too long. But now I feel like there's a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. It's good to get it off my chest (excuse the pun )

If you do decide to go down the surgery route, be sure you understand that the chances are very high that the sensation will change so it's a trade off. The bigger you go, the more chance you have of that happening.

For me, I had to have lights off and it affected my self confidence which leeched into other aspects of my life.

I thought I'd feel fake and I was petrified they would look round and perky when I just wanted to get back to being how I used to be. I'm a small C cup.

Nobody can tell the difference, I was very clear on the result I wanted and chose a surgeon who does breast reconstruction in the NHS but does private work too.

I had to wear a sports bra 24/7 and sleep on my back for a month I think it was. It was a while back so I can't remember. It took a year for them to properly drop into place and achieve the final look.

For me, this was never about the look, but trying to gain confidence. I got that but I'd caution anyone considering it to do so very carefully. It is surgery with all its risks so not something to be taken lightly and certainly not right for all.

joysmum that's what I'd want - them to look as natural as possible. I'm not into the fake look. Although as one is quite large I'd prefer it if they were both the same size but smaller. I am going to get researching and be prepared for a proper discussion with my doctor next week.

I had implants ar 18 for me and for no one else. I asked for a D cup and got FF. I hid them in baggy clothes which in turn made me look a lot fatter than I was. I then woke up at 19 months post op with one breast swollen bigger than my head. It was painful and hard. I had developed a seroma overnight randomly. Which can and does happen. I had it drained several times but it kept getting bigger and bigger. The weight of the fluid made my boob appear saggy ans nipple started facing more down. In the end Ideveloped capsular contracture in that breast. Tightening of the scar tissue which also hardens the breast and distorts it. I decided to remove. I didn't want further surgeries and complicayions. Remember implants are not for life and will have to be changed every 10 years on average. This usually costs more than your first procedure as there is more work involved. I had mine removed in may. I'm 20. I literally wasted 4500 on something that lasted 19 months. And the implants actually made me very lethargic and I developed severe migraines. There are connections with Lyme disease and auto immune diseases. I would really search up on everything. The good anf the bad points. Personally I wouldn't rule out a reduction in the larger one to match your smaller one or fat transfer procedure to make your smaller one larger. Good luck with your decision x

Hello Piazza - I do not have advice but I can share my experience. 4 years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a bilateral mastectomy, plus chemo, radiotherapy, the lot. I am now completely flat-chested! It took so long to come to terms with it. I avoided mirrors, I wore falsies, I cried lots. With short hair regrowing and a skinny chest I looked like a very peculiar 11-year old boy. I started wearing baggy hoodies to cover up.
Every time I had a check up the doctors would ask if I wanted breast reconstruction. But I always refused because I could not face more surgery - I so needed to get back to life.

And here I would say to you - think very carefully about an operation because it is not just short-term skin-deep healing, it can affect nerves around the chest and arm, sensitivity, movement in your shoulder, scarring, seromas... if your nipple is re-positioned you will likely lose all sensitivity there, a huge loss to physical pleasure. Do not take this lightly, please.

Anyway, then I started running as a way to regain a little fitness and get back some confidence in my body. Like lots of new runners I absolutely loved the freedom and the sensation of increasing strength and energy. I started to like my body again, I did a Race for Life, massive sense of achievement. I wore tight t-shirts and if anyone stared at my chest (and there were plenty) I would think to myself - I survived cancer and now I can run a half-marathon - top that!!! I started to see the scars as a mark of survival and strength.

Well 4 years down the line I have lost a bit of that marvellous energy of emerging from a dark place; have put on weight (not so good); hormonal changes; other life events etc. On the other hand I have gradually found a way of presenting myself that neither hides the fact that I am flat-chested nor is in-your-face... short yet softer hair, blouses and dresses that are not too tight and have a bit of movement in them, layering, interesting scarves, given up the falsies even for work. I mean why wear a bra when you don't have to?!
Sadly sex has been totally off the agenda due to - well, lots of things - but physically the issues are low libido from ongoing medication, and my breasts used to give me a lot of pleasure which is now sadly gone and I don't really know how to replace it.

So Piazza, I do not mean to derail your thread. You are struggling with your body image and I am totally sympathetic to that. Would you consider some kind of exercise or toning up - not focused on your breast size - which might make you feel more confident in your physicality, give you energy and a sense of achievement? Actually (before) when I lost weight it would always show first in my breast size so that might be something to try. Maybe take a friend shopping and try on some different styles of tops? Do try other things before going for an operation. Good luck with your discussion with the doctors.

think very carefully about an operation because it is not just short-term skin-deep healing, it can affect nerves around the chest and arm, sensitivity, movement in your shoulder, scarring, seromas... if your nipple is re-positioned you will likely lose all sensitivity there, a huge loss to physical pleasure. Do not take this lightly, please

Not just if your nipple is repositioned either.

As I said, mine was a reinstatement of my breasts as they were, I went 1/2 size bigger from a B to a small C, and I still have a change in sensation.

It's a big decision to make. One thing that surprised me, as I'm always happy to share my story and am very open with my story in reality, it's remarkable how many women have confided that they had it done too. Stigma and judgement from other women means most people don't discuss it because it's seen as shallow and self serving. I say that as someone who thought the same until I reached the stage where I had it done and even then had to come to terms with going against my previous beliefs. It's fine now but did require some mental adjustment.

Had mine about 8 years ago and love them. Definitely more confidence from just being even and boobs and hips in proportion.

I'll probably have them redone sometime a little bit smaller.

Nobody knows they aren't real. You definitely don't have to get the fakey porn girl kind.

I had the incision under the boobs and it was numb in that area for a few months but now have great sensation in them.