Have I been kidding myself we can have an amicable split? - long, sorry

[newnamesamegame]

This is a bit of a whinge but I'm really angry and need to vent but also need a bit of an objective view on whether or not my ex and I can really remain friends. He moved out 3 months ago at my instigation for numerous reasons (borderline abusive behaviour, heavy drinking, not pulling weight domestically and refusal to participate in family life being the main ones).

Despite this we have been getting on much better recently and spending time with our DD at weekends which has been fun. He has also said he understands that he was a nightmare to live with and that he is trying to change as a result of what's happened.

I had thought we could have quite a good friendship and now I'm not so sure.

Something has just happened today which for me encapsulates the reason I decided to end it with him but also makes me wonder if he can move past his selfishness.

So he usually sees our DD on Sunday and tonight he was coming around to our house and the plan was for them to watch a DVD together and I would join them after I took a break from work (I work from home on Sundays). Ex and I were then going to eat together after DD was in bed and he would then go home at which point I would resume working.

He proposed the dinner (with me) earlier today. I said I was happy to do this with the proviso that I was going to be very busy working and wouldn't be able to take much time out to do anything other than eat a meal with him.

So he turns up an hour late to see DD and immediately goes to bed (in our former marital bed) and goes to sleep, saying he's exhausted. He had also been drinking beforehand. Not loads, but I thought it was slightly bad form given the circumstances.

Background to this is that one of the many things that used to drive me insane when we were married was the amount of time he spent sleeping at weekends (usually 5-6 hours on Sat and Sunday) and the fact that he essentially would sleep and leave me to do all the rest of the dog work, then moan about the condition of the house etc. He lacked the desire or drive to do anything with his free time except sleep, watch TV and do an occasional bit of housework. It started to really sap my energy and enjoyment in life. And I got to the point where I felt totally resentful of the fact that he wasn't pulling his weight.

I said to him fairly curtly that it was fine for him to have a quick nap but that he was here to see DD, I was preparing her food and also working and I would appreciate it if he didn't sleep for ages. He said fine, half an hour, tops.

I then woke him up an hour later and said I really needed a bit of support, DD was crying about wanting to play with him and could he get up. At which point he stormed out of the house, slamming the door and taking the provisions for the dinner he was going to cook for me, home.

I'm seething. I feel it demonstrates to me why I was right to kick him out IMHO. But I also feel depressed that what could have been a good, steady family relationship of exes raising a child in an amicable setting has been sabotaged, again. Am I over-reacting? And do I need to put more distance between me and him?

He slept in your bed? That makes me think that he thinks you will be getting back together. Does he go to other people's houses and sleep in their beds? No?

You really need to establish some boundaries. If he must come to your house to see dd then continue working or go out. You shouldn't be entertaining him (dinner etc). He is there for one purpose and that is to see his daughter. If he can't maintain this then he takes her out.

Joysmum I don't want to get back together with him and the split was a break with the past, not a warning shot. I can't be sure what he thinks as he seems to change his views on this on a daily basis.

But this has been a very helpful exercise and a kick up the backside for me so thanks all of you. I think I have not made enough of a clean break and I need to be clearer with him on the boundaries.

Yes, rethinking your boundaries is what you need to do. No reason not to be amicable. Does he still have keys to your house? (And if so, does he really need them?)

Good god I could've written this! My ex has no proper base to take the kids yet so sees them at my house.
And he spent most of the afternoon on saturday watching a film (not with them) I was just doing my housework etc.
I think some dad's just think that being present is good enough, obviously it isn't.
it's heartbreaking hearing my kids begging their dad to play with them.
I have told him to take them out park/library etc but to him that means 30 mins and your done.
I think it is possible to be friends, but like people say the boundaries have to be drawn and stuck to.
I get on okay with my Ex, but it really irks me when he comes in and straight away makes himself a cuppa, I feel like yelling " get out of my Fucking kitchen!!" it annoys me alot.
But then I am trying to choose my battles with him.
He went to sleep on my sofa one afternoon when he was supposed to be with the kids. so I totally know how you feel.
Get him to take DC out on a Sunday while you work.

Sweetsecret yes the picking battles thing is key. I don't want to fight needlessly over petty stuff. I also don't want to cave over everything just for a quiet life.

Fair enough, thought it was worth mentioning.

I really hope you feel able to set clear and cobsist not boundaries from now on so you all know where you stand. Best of luck newname

Yep, the caving thing is difficult as sometimes when you do bring stuff up that isn't acceptable anymore, they act like a hurt teenager. Urgh.
I had to yell at my ex last week to stop eating my bloody food!
I totally get where you are coming from.

It's difficult to have an amicable relationship when you have to deal with someone that is constantly pushing boundaries because they don't respect them. You will likely find that he will keep pushing them, because he has no respect for them.. or you and your dd, for that matter.

Alice I guess... I suppose I laboured under the illusion that because we are no longer an item any more that we could have a good friendship under slightly different terms. And in general we have got on much better as a result of not living under the same roof any more. A lot of the issues in the marriage came down to very different cultural expectations about the roles of men and women in a family set-up and after he moved out a lot of the stress and bickering about this subsided.

I think a lot of the problem is that he genuinely doesn't get it. He doesn't understand why sleeping for hours each and every weekend day is taking the p* presumably because his dad did it and his mum tolerated it. He doesn't understand why he can't reprimand me for not doing the housework correctly while he's been having a nap on the sofa or to snap at me about trivial domestic stuff presumably, again, because that was the dynamic in his home when he was growing up.

So he was and remains genuinely shocked that these things were deal breakers for me.

That said, there was other stuff going on in our marriage which can't be put down to differences in cultural upbringing. And he hasn't even begun to address these. Because he has been so much "nicer" recently I had assumed he had had a bit of an epiphany but I don't think he has.

Anyway, thanks all, its been very helpful that you've set me right about this.