Your own parents disliking you

[swisstruffles]

Perhaps 'dislike' is a little strong but I certainly was given the distinct impression, both explicitly and implicitly as a child and teenager that I was a disappointment to my parents. I was loved, but out of duty and not through any real quality on my part.

Has anybody else experienced this?

Yes, my parents didn't love me or my siblings. One had NPD. You have my sympathies. Most people don't understand. X

My mum can never be pleased with anything that happens to me, she has to turn it around on her

On losing 2 stone and achieving goal weight, mums comments were "well have you not noticed I have lost weigh too" (she had lost 4 lbs and is 15 stone +) I was made to feel awful because I had not noticed.

DH had a job where I didn't need to work and I had 5 years off to start my family, this really annoyed her as when she had us as kids she had 3 different jobs to make ends meet, I had lots of barbed comments about how easy I have it and how lazy I am.

When I went back to college and retrained and got a job in the field I wanted, she did not say congratulations, all I got was about time you supported your family.

The only time she ever said anything remotely nice/supportive was on facebook when she likes and comments on posts and people would say how wonderful my mum was... if only they knew. Felt better once I deactivated my f/b.

My mum is complicated. I believes she loves me, maybe out of a sense of duty? She is full of love if I am sick or injured. She has made it clear to me, my friends and family members that she does not like me or agree with the way I raise my children. She calls me things like fool or stupid in front of other people. She ridicules me in front of others. She can make me cry. I am 50. I love her.

I fucked up at university.....I am a solicitor
Totally illogical

It maybe untrue as a point of fact in your case. But the "totally illogical" part doesn't follow - ie. merely because you have a professional qualification doesn't mean you didn't fuck up at university!

I know plenty of solicitors with 2:2s who on any view "fucked up at university" because they should have got a 2:1. Ditto for those in a "could have got a first if it wasn't for alcohol and men/women" category.

A fuck up in this context could be the different between being the managing partner at a city firm or an associate in a high street firm.

*be the difference

Sorry Brokenhearted - what I was trying to say was that a mother saying that type of thing may not be objectively "nasty" - but just wanting their child to achieve the best that child could within their ability.

I was expecting you to say it was totally untrue that it was a fuck up. But really - if that's right, it may not be malicious from your mother - just that she's trying to encourage you (in a very poor way!) to fulfill what she sees as your potential.

(ie. if you did xyz before and "fucked up" (in her eyes) then don't do it again).

Not sure it makes it much better, but I suppose difference between malice and thoughtlessness.

22 yes,
11, no

I think it is incredibly hard to be a parent, and I say this as a DD and a parent. I am well aware that I am seen as 'the golden child' by my siblings - I am sure our parents do love us all equally but they struggle in their relationship with my siblings. They have nothing in common, the siblings make no effort to involve our parents in their lives or in their grandchildrens' lives (apart from asking for handouts), there have been instances of unspeakable rudeness and unkindness towards our parents ................ no one is perfect and I am sure most of us try our hardest to be 'good enough' parents but it can be very, very hard from both points of view.

Most of the above "Narc List" applies to my mother. I never knew that there were other mothers like mine until I discovered MN! Such a revelation..

However, I'm trying to understand why my mother was like she was. I get the "sense of duty" aspect of relationships. I think it's also a generational/ cultural thing. My mother's family were staunch Methodists (not a very forgiving religion) and solidly working class. They would have been tough, and judgemental. There was little overt affection. I can't really blame my mother for the way she was herself brought up.

My father was born in the immediate post-depression years to a poor family with a wifebeater at its head. No wonder he had a short fuse!

So, OP, it's not you. It's them.

Yep, my mum dislikes me immensely.
Always has done.
She has always treated me like a burden especially as a child, I was left alone ALOT.
As an adult, she only sees me so she can see my DD, she doesn't care about my DS.
It's a horrible place to be in, but I find arms length is the safest place to be.
I have recently learned that it isn't me, she will never change and I can try and exhaust myself trying to make her like me but life is too short. I do feel your pain though.