new BF or old exH

[MistressMiggins]

thought about posting under Lone Parents but it is a relationship question

briefly, exH left last Nov & moved str in with mistress (still together)

I accidently met BF in June and he is lovely. Very attentive, presses all the right buttons, has custody of his DD so good dad and I really really like him and get butterflies etc BUT.....

I still get upset over exH - under lot of stress as he lives 2 1/2 hr drive away so daily I do everything...yesterday i was telling him about DS at school & he started muttering about cooking carrots - I know it sounds stupid but really upset me - because a) he never helped round the house when lived with us let alone cooked b) was never home b4 kids in bed c)expects us to be great friends on the phone

he doesnt see the irony that now hes left, he has more time to speak to the kids cos he now lives near work - I would have moved - said that many times but he never wanted to - I know now why seeing as his mistress works with him

my question is does this mean I dont feel enough for new BF if Im still so upset by exH

(am hoping answer is not yes)

I'm not sure if this is any use but I can still feel how much it hurts when i think about the one person who did break my heart.

That was about 12-13 yrs ago, and pre DH who I wouldn't swap for anyone (although I might change afew of him annoying habits)

I think maybe its more for the children - they were in the bath last night while he was home cooking & I just thought "you never got home in time to bath the kids and now you've left, you're home early every night"

maybe my hurt is more for the children

what I mean is that I don't really think you ever forget how much they hurt you....but the feeling for new BF will get bigger and better as the time goes on.

The answer is NOT yes.

What you still feel upset about is the pain and hurt he caused you by, instead of telling you how he felt about your marriage, discussing w/you your offer to move, etc., he chose to betray your trust and love by cheating on you and breaking your heart.

THAT is the source of the emotions you are feeling - the pain from what might have been, if he had just let it.

He doesn't see the irony.

And he never will.

And that really hurts.

At the end of the day, though, it's his loss.

You will move on, if not w/the new BF, then later, maybe w/someone else.

And just on your own, too.

Well....TBH that would piss me right off.
Why couldn't he get home earlier for you and the kids??

Cheeky sod.

(you don't need to answer that BTW)

he worked away from home & now lives in the same town as his work which is why he gets home at 6pm every day rather than gone 7.30pm - I offered to move (big upheaval as I work & my parents AND brother live here) many times but exH kept saying work was dodgy

It was really b/c he had already turned his back on you, MM and had already thrown his marriage vows out the window.

That's in the past now. But it's still going to hurt.

Nothing wrong in feeling that!

And it certainly doesn't mean you don't feel enough for the new man in your life. In fact, I'd be more concerned if you didn't feel the way you did, if I were your BF!

And I'd be willing to talk about it w/you, if you were my GF and you felt like talking about it.

Its not about your new BF, or even really your DH, I think.

You are hurt because xH can do these things for his new partner, but couldnt for you. Its making you feel inferior and yet he wants to play happy jolly "friends" at the same time. You are feeling that you and your children in particular are second best to this other woman.

Being upset about that doesnt mean that you cant feel all the right things for a new BF. I suspect that the fact that you are even worrying about this hurts too - because I think perhaps you wonder if your exH ever had these issues.

The relationship with your BF takes up a different part of your heart. Given time, it will expand, all things being well, and keep expanding until it squeezes out these feelings you have (negative or otherwise) for your exH. It just takes time.

actually BF does let me say such things and has even said over exH behaviour couple of weeks back that he was worried ex wanted to come back (he didnt - was just being selfish but thats another story)

I didnt speak to BF last night because felt so annoyed at myself for getting upset - but wil tell him later when he rings

as usual feel better for having aired my fears - thanks u 2 for replying

hello MistressM I remember when you were going through breakup and moving from wondering what was wrong and what you could do to finding out about his betrayal and the hurt of it all. I am DELIGHTED to hear your life has continued so positively - because I am on here so rarely now it does strike me how very much happier you sound. Yes of course it must hurt when you think of the past and what might have been with your exh. It's a weird situation to be in, as you say, being friends etc - but how very commendable you have allowed that to happen, and how very fortunate for your children. Try not to think about the past it will drive you crazy and stop you enjoying your bf - it sounds like you feel enough for him, yes! Butterflies!

VVVQV - yes it does hurt & I didnt speak to BF last night cos felt so guilty for feeling upset by exH

he is a lovely man and he cooks for me

I think its cos people say to me that they still think that if exH (we're not actually divorced yet) came crawlin back, I would take him....I dont think I would but I guess everytime I feel upset, it makes everyone including me feel unsure....

my family & friends are brilliant & still supportive....recently exh has said doesnt want kids for half term hols - only wants them once in summer hols

Try not to feel guilty - I am sure that BF understands - he has probably been there himself. It's normal, IMO.

That sucks about him not wanting children in half term. Are you going to insist he has them, until such time that they are old enough to decide for themselves, perhaps?

I can see why family might think you would do that - to be as hurt as you are must mean that feelings ran deep. But, it doesnt mean you would even if he did come crawling back. I think you have seen him for his true colours.

Does BF seem like a long term thing? How does he feel about being a stepdad?

BF has custody of his DD and has actually met my 2 casually with his DD - I mean we were just friends - no holding hands etc

my 2 seemed to take to him & considering mine are 4 1/2 & 2, and his is 9, he seemed v relaxed....

difference betw him & ex is that he values relaxation & family as more important than money - so do I

hes very laid back & constanly tells me not to get wound up by ex which is all reassuring

my main thing is that I find it v hard to trust BF - if his mobile phone beeps, I immediately wonder who it is - have told him this & he has started telling me who it is - feel awful as I am not a naturally jealous person BUT 6 months of being told you're mad/paranoid by ex when really my gut feelings were right, sends you a bit possessive

am not going to insist ex has kids - his words were "stick them in nursery" - made them sound like dogs
my parents & I will cover hols

Well, that sounds good. And as for exH and "stick them in nursery".....

stupid twunt. He'll regret this on his deathbed. Deeply.